Please let's not talk this out
Oct. 10th, 2011 11:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
breakinglight11I know communication is of paramount important to human relationships. Especially in times of conflict. But Jesus Christ, sometimes I would rather gouge out my own eardrums than have to verbally hash things out.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the world's most stereotypical man. No, sometimes I DON'T want to have a long, drawn-out, detailed conversation about just what went wrong between us just now. Can we just skip to the apology and move on with our days? Okay, maybe having it THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS is useful, but after that, do you really need to make your point again, when it clearly didn't fix things the first time? Or do I have to sit through it as punishment for repeating my offense?
The most common instance of my getting into it with someone tends to be when someone does something that bothers me and I lose my temper and say something mean. Like, someone is annoying, so I tell them to quit being such a huge pain. Or someone behaves in a way I find absurd, frustrating, or unfair, and I express my contempt. Or someone is personally injurious to me, and I call them a jackass.
I know what I did. It isn't that I don't understand your feelings. The problem is that I TOTALLY DO UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS and FAILED TO RESPECT THEM because I am weak and imperfect. I am bad for that, and deserve to take responsibility for that failure and must apologize for it. This in particular is a problem I have, being short-tempered and unkind sometimes. Can I please just say "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and behaved badly" and you apologize for whatever it is you did? Can I please NOT have to express in a long detailed conversation that I fully understand the nature of my offense and of your feelings? Can you just trust me on this and accept that I GET IT and don't need to have the same conversation over and over, because I don't think there's anything in the world I hate more?
The other things is, even if we did make sure we were both totally on the same page, we're probably going to do this again at some point. People do not change at the drop of a hat; you're probably going to do something that bothers me again, and I'm probably going to lose my temper and be mean again. I understand it's a problem. I'll work on it-- especially this, as I've been actively trying to be less nasty when I'm angry --but having the conversation is most likely not going to contribute to it coming about faster or better.
I know, I'm a bad person, a horrible, emotionally stunted person who has no shot at maintaining healthy relationships. I can live with that. Please no more talktalktalk.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the world's most stereotypical man. No, sometimes I DON'T want to have a long, drawn-out, detailed conversation about just what went wrong between us just now. Can we just skip to the apology and move on with our days? Okay, maybe having it THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENS is useful, but after that, do you really need to make your point again, when it clearly didn't fix things the first time? Or do I have to sit through it as punishment for repeating my offense?
The most common instance of my getting into it with someone tends to be when someone does something that bothers me and I lose my temper and say something mean. Like, someone is annoying, so I tell them to quit being such a huge pain. Or someone behaves in a way I find absurd, frustrating, or unfair, and I express my contempt. Or someone is personally injurious to me, and I call them a jackass.
I know what I did. It isn't that I don't understand your feelings. The problem is that I TOTALLY DO UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS and FAILED TO RESPECT THEM because I am weak and imperfect. I am bad for that, and deserve to take responsibility for that failure and must apologize for it. This in particular is a problem I have, being short-tempered and unkind sometimes. Can I please just say "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings and behaved badly" and you apologize for whatever it is you did? Can I please NOT have to express in a long detailed conversation that I fully understand the nature of my offense and of your feelings? Can you just trust me on this and accept that I GET IT and don't need to have the same conversation over and over, because I don't think there's anything in the world I hate more?
The other things is, even if we did make sure we were both totally on the same page, we're probably going to do this again at some point. People do not change at the drop of a hat; you're probably going to do something that bothers me again, and I'm probably going to lose my temper and be mean again. I understand it's a problem. I'll work on it-- especially this, as I've been actively trying to be less nasty when I'm angry --but having the conversation is most likely not going to contribute to it coming about faster or better.
I know, I'm a bad person, a horrible, emotionally stunted person who has no shot at maintaining healthy relationships. I can live with that. Please no more talktalktalk.
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Date: 2011-10-11 09:32 pm (UTC)You should own up to your mistakes, try to make up for them, and to be a better person. I don't think you should take whatever punishment the hurt person offers just because you did something wrong. That's not how "working things out" is supposed to work.
Some of my opinion is probably due to the fact that I've witnessed emotionally abusive relationships where the kind of "you screwed up now I'm going to berate you about it for hours" behavior that Phoebe is describing is taking to horrible extremes. Most relationships aren't going to go that far, but even good people are not always rational. And I think good people take "playing the martyr" and "playing the victim" too far sometimes.