The blowup at Intercon

[breakinglight11]

So I don't want to make too big a thing of this, but it shaped my Intercon experience, and I'd like to get that out of me before I try to talk about Intercon. Also I've gotten some questions about what happened, and I'd like to clear them up.

This Intercon was rough for me. First time I ever went without Jared, and it made me sad to think that it was something we used to share. I took steps to avoid having to see him, mostly by staying out of the public spaces of the con. After my Saturday game, I saw him briefly from behind as he went into con suite, the leather messenger bag I'd given him as a graduation present slung over his back. That was tough enough, so I ran away, went to see some other people's games wrapping up, then went back to my hotel room to avoid being a total downer to everyone around me.

But then he called me. Late on Saturday night. I froze, didn't pick up. After a few seconds there was a voicemail. Four furious words. "WE NEED TO TALK."

I collapsed. That's the voice he uses when he wants to break me down until I'm sobbing and punish me, and I end up doing and saying whatever he wants me to just to make him stop screaming at me. Well, it still works, dear. You still have that power over me. I collapsed on the couch and sobbed and panicked, what if he was looking for me, what if he found me, I can't see him, I can't let him yell at me anymore.

A lot of people observed a verbal clash between Bernie and Jared in the con suite on Sunday morning. I've gotten people asking me, and others, what happened. Bernie was with me at the time I received the phone call and saw me break down. Bernie, who loves me, and whose love doesn't come with a price. He held me until I calmed down, promised me I was safe. Bernie has been mostly ignoring and avoiding Jared since our breakup, as he has a lot of his own issues regarding Jared and no longer feels any reason to keep allowing him to be a presence in his life. But he saw how upset that phone call made me, and decided to finally say some of the things he'd been thinking. He told him to stop contacting me, to stop thinking he had any right to anything regarding me, and that he wasn't allowed to hurt me anymore. And if Jared didn't stop, "the people who care about her will take action." I hate that he's been dragged into this, I don't want anyone to be... but it sure felt good that he stood up for me and took steps to protect me.

As far I can glean, what set Jared off is that he found out I've been talking to people about what happened and writing about it here on LiveJournal and is pissed about it. What does he want from me? It's not like I made anything up to make him look bad. I'm just finally talking about the things that happened. I'm not trying to run a smear campaign. But actions have consequences. Treating me the way he did has to have consequences. If he doesn't want to experience the consequences of those actions, why did he take them? If he doesn't want people knowing about that stuff, what does that say?

And yes, I know I'm biased. I have a definite perspective. Also I'm in pain, and there's nothing that makes people more self-centered than pain. (Which is why I can't stop fixating on this.) As he's apparently insisting, but he does have a side. I'll tell it right now. I did have a period of depression where I was often pretty awful to him. And he may very well have recently fallen out of love with me. Even if my efforts to take responsibility and atone weren't enough... he could have left, SHOULD HAVE just left, if he really resented me so much for how I was during that depression. He should have just left if he didn't love me anymore. Instead of sticking around to torture me, to criticize and run down everything about me. I'm sure his response to that would be, "But you begged me to stay!" True. But I also begged him not to cheat, not to punish me when he's angry, and those he was happy to disregard.


I'm hoping to not post too much more about this for a while. I don't want to become steeped in it, or the person who can't talk about anything besides her breakup. But I wanted to clear up about what happened at Intercon as regards to my personal stuff.

I'll say one thing, though. Rough times really how you who your friends are. I have been so incredibly lucky to have so many friends reach out to me during this time. Some people who aren't even that close with me but still were kind enough to extend themselves to show support and care. That means more to me than I can say. Thanks to all those people for their strength and understanding. It's what's getting me through this really rough patch of my life.

Comments

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

FWIW, everybody who even mentioned the Bernie/Jared clash did so in a "this happened and it was good" kind of way.

And honestly, I never had that good of an impression of Bernie, but hearing about this improved it.

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

(amendment -- I never had a solid impression of Bernie at all; my impression was not actively bad.)

[laurion]

You have every right to air your side and to talk about it to whoever you want. It's a part of your life, and he has no right to take that from you. If he has a problem with the things you may or may not be saying, that is his problem, and it is up to him to manage the fallout. He does have the right to discuss with you how you may or may not be presenting him as one part of managing the issue, but he has no right to tear you down or to make you do anything.

As the song goes... "At first I was afraid, I was petrified" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPCaH0ermEw

[neuromancerzss.livejournal.com]

I don't think he really does have that right. He might want it. It might be a path toward a less antagonistic relationship. But he doesn't have a right to anything of the sort.

If he wants to try to apologize, or explain himself, or ask that she not speak about certain aspects of the relationship, I think he can do that with an email, or if he really wants to use a more direct form of communication make the request in a more pleasant manner. But no one is obligated to communicate with someone about an issue they might have, especially someone who's been very hurtful to them previously.

[laurion]

Ah. Apologies if I implied he had the right to go about it the way he did. Not at all. That's probably the poorest (if most direct and coercive) way to communicate in a situation like this. And you are right, she has no obligation to make it a two-way communication.

[lisefrac.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. At least from your description, his behavior does sound abusive and manipulative, and it was extremely awkward when he wanted to be friendly with me at Intercon. But I am sure that is nothing compared to how you must be feeling :(

The offer to hang out still stands, incidentally. Just let me know what times work for you.

[ocelotspots.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[redfishie.livejournal.com]

*hugs* hold on dear, it will get better.

[youareverysmall.livejournal.com]

you already know my thoughts on this, but i'll say it again: talking about big life transitions is SUPER important! you're going through so much, phoebe. let yourself talk if you want to. and know that if you want to talk off of lj, you have friends who will listen.

::raises hand::

<3 <3 <3

[katiescarlett29.livejournal.com]

<3 Don't ever let him make you believe, even for a second, that you're not completely in the right here. As someone who's heard him tell his "side" many times over the years, I can tell you for sure that he has no concept of the magnitude of his actions compared to yours.

You are strong and good and I am so very, very proud of you.

[laura47.livejournal.com]

I managed to not hear about this incident, so not *everyone* is talking about it. I'm so glad Bernie stood up for you, and I'm so glad you didn't let him make you talk to him. You owe him absolutely nothing, don't forget that. Always remember this is your journal, your space, and you can say whatever you need to.

[darkoni]

Always share what you need to share. Talking to friends is important and when people care about you, they will support you.

*hugs*