My perspective on Ask versus Guess culture

[breakinglight11]

A lot of talk has been going on around the idea of Ask versus Guess culture. Captain Awkward has some great thoughts on the matter here. This is, if you haven't heard, the difference in interaction styles between people who prefer to always overtly ask questions/make requests and situations with low context and established behavioral rules, and people who prefer to deduce the right answer or the proper thing to say or do based on a lot of context and a lot of pre-establishment. Like, people who think it's okay to ask "Can I crash at your house?" and people who think it would be too presumptuous to make the request. This is mostly stuff I've been musing about on my Tumblr, but since my Tumblr is otherwise just nonsense I thought I'd transfer it over here.

I am a Guess culture person. Partially it's my upbringing, partially it's my damage, partially it's my sense of how one demonstrates consideration for other people. I think if we lived in a perfect world, it would always be superior to Ask, because then all communication would be clear and everyone would just explicitly state their needs. But in the world we live in, I don't think it's that clear-cut.

I would vastly prefer not to make someone uncomfortable by asking them for something they feel they bad about not being able to give, and I really hate being asked for something that I am unable to give. I feel an extreme pressure to always be kind, generous, accommodating. Partially I think this is socialization, how women are made to feel like they always have to make everyone cared for and comfortable, and partially because I think being giving is a good thing to be. But when somebody asks me to do it, I feel like there’s no way I can refuse without seeming selfish, exclusionary, or mean.
I hate people inviting themselves to things I’m doing or hosting; it messes up the dynamic I’ve planned for. I hate being asked for rides, I’m not a taxi service. I hate being asked to borrow money, I’m not very liquid and my resources are limited. Or maybe I technically CAN do all these things, but I just don’t want to. But how can I turn down “Can I come?” without seeming mean to the person asking? How can I refuse to share what I have without seeming greedy or ungenerous?

I really do think people judge you for not being willing to do these things. They think you’re mean or a bitch or selfish if you turn them down when they ask. And as much as I can ill-afford doing a lot of those things, I am more afraid of people thinking I’m an asshole for saying no. So I feel obligated, even if it’s not good for me. Not everyone who asks does so with the true assurance that it’s okay to say no.

Additionally, Guess culture also accounts for people who are not ABLE to assert themselves. Because Ask culture requires people who are assertive of both their needs and their boundaries, and that’s really hard for a lot of people.

Guess culture posits, basically, “The safest course is to say nothing.” And I think that recommendation is used in a lot of contexts. Like, every time feminists suggest, hey, don’t go up and act like you’re entitled to that woman’s time, they’re basically suggesting “The safest course [to respecting her and allowing her to feel safe] is to say nothing [to her].” Not to Ask her and back off if she says no, but to just not Ask her at all, Guess that she wants to be left to her own devices. Because it accounts for people who may not be assertive enough to hold their own boundaries. Saying, yeah, you always need to be able to push back against things you don’t want has some problematic implications. Especially if you extend it to things like consent.

Honestly I wish I could feel more comfortable asking for things. But I am TERRIFIED of somebody thinking, "How dare you presume? How can you be so self-centered?" It makes it hard to get things like raises, or even something like networking, when I feel like I'm presuming on somebody else's time and resources. But it's something incredibly difficult, and I worry about situations where people can't assert their own needs, or the fallout of someone thinking I'm rude for asking. That’s why I default to Guess culture. If we don’t impose on each other, no one is ever put in an awkward position where they feel obligated to something they don’t want. Yeah, it definitely has drawbacks, but it has advantages too.

Comments

[lisefrac.livejournal.com]

I really do think people judge you for not being willing to do these things. They think you’re mean or a bitch or selfish if you turn them down when they ask. And as much as I can ill-afford doing a lot of those things, I am more afraid of people thinking I’m an asshole for saying no. So I feel obligated, even if it’s not good for me. Not everyone who asks does so with the true assurance that it’s okay to say no

Man, do I hear that. This is how I end up overcommitted.

Interestingly, while my behavior towards people is very Guess-y, I am not overly bothered by people Asking me. As I see it, it's my responsibility to say no, and if I'm bad at saying no, that's my problem. Although I have been told "you look like someone who can't say no," so I don't exactly appreciate people using that to wheedle commitments out of me. But generally I find people are in earnest when they ask for my help with something.

[lightgamer.livejournal.com]

I pretty much feel the same way. I find the "Ask me to do something" situation much less awkward, personally, though. I can honestly answer, "I really don't think I have time for that," if it's not a thing I would like to do so much that I'll make time for it, and I think that that answer is quite socially acceptable in our culture - it's considered good to be busy, and to be seen as busy.

The real stickers for me are questions like the one that started the original conversation - "Can I come and stay with you?" - when I gather that the real answer is "I have the resources and ability to host you, but don't feel like we're close enough / I enjoy your company enough to justify the effort involved." I consider myself a fairly tactful person, but for the life of me I can't think of a way to honestly express that sentiment which wouldn't also stand an unacceptably-high chance of hurting someone's feelings.