What grief is so far

[breakinglight11]

So far it seems that grief is a lot of feeling dull and empty. My head is full of a lot of nothing. I can't think of things to say even when I try. Focus, elusive enough for me at the best of times, is at an all-time low. All I want to do is lay around in a heap, reading dumb stuff on the Internet I've read a hundred times before.

I still think it hasn't completely hit me. I miss her a lot. But it feels kind of like it does when somebody's been gone for a while, not when they've only just left and are never coming back. I wonder how the feeling will gape when I really grasp that this is forever. She's gone for always, and I will never have her again in this life.

I sure do miss her, though. When's she coming home again? Oh, right.

Comments

[audioboy.livejournal.com]

*so many hugs*

My mother and I didn't get along and I haven't particularly missed her these past six years,
but when I read your eulogy, I sat in my car and sobbed. It made me think about what I missed during that time we didn't get along and how I might feel differently now if we had.

Hang in there, Phoebe. You know you have so many people who love you and are here if you need them. Myself included.

[jducoeur]

Most heartfelt sympathies. In my experience, the realization is a gradual one -- after three years, I can't say that it's *completely* sunk in for me. (Certainly not in terms of my dreamspace.)

Grief is a lot of things, and you'll probably find that it varies day-to-day. But this sort of depression is very normal. It does pass, gradually and eventually, if you let it.

My main recommendation to you is not to hold onto it -- AFAICT, where people *really* get into trouble is when they let survivor guilt convince them that letting it pass is somehow wrong...