My body dances

[breakinglight11]

My ballet class just went out of session for the summer-- boo! --and I've resolved this time to do better about practicing on my own than I did last year. It's a big chunk of my workout that I don't want to just chuck out, plus I want to preserve and develop my skills. I actually did it tonight, for about forty-five minutes, holding onto the door frame into my office so I could switch between my door and vanity mirrors as I did barre work without the barre.

It's really hot in my house right now, so I was in my underwear. I thought I might not bother putting on clothes I would just have to sweat into, but I was given momentary pause by the concern that I might get distracted by my body in the mirrors. It's stupid, but I tend to get very fixated on how my stomach looks when it's exposed in front of a mirror. But then I decided to get over myself-- I have the same belly whether I can see it or not --and just went for it.

But far from being distracted by insecurity, I found myself very pleased with how my body looked as I practiced. I liked watching how my muscles flexed, and how visible my strength was as I danced. Even my stomach-- which is softer and less defined than I like, which due to my own damage I will probably never be satisfied with no matter what it looks like --seemed pretty good. Its imperfection seemed slight, and did not bother me as it sometimes does.

It's probably partially because I actually do look pretty good, I'm not so crazy as to be insensible of that. But I think it's also because of how ballet contextualizes my body in a way that reminds me to like it for what it can do rather than just how it looks. I am getting better at ballet, slowly but perceptibly. My two and a half years of classes are showing. I perform the steps better, and therefore more beautifully, which makes my body more beautiful to me. I am proud of what I'm accomplishing, the skills I'm slowly grasping.

It's very healthy for me. While I have an overall good self-image, I have nagging inclinations to fixate on perceived physical imperfections. When my body can do something cool that matters to me, it shifts my focus away from pointless shallow perceptions that create bad feelings.

Comments

[londo.livejournal.com]

This sounds like awesome and healthy progress.