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polaris_xx introduced me to Cabin Pressure, a hilarious BBC audio series about a tiny charter airline firm. It's incredibly witty and well-written and I enjoy it a lot. A little while ago I had an idea for a fan fiction written in audio drama style, which I have noodled on but not made much progress. Today's entry is for that, introducing the terrible wealthy couple which the team would be flying to a family party in San Tropez.
Whenever I attempt a fan fiction, I want to emulate the style of the property I'm writing for. I am not nearly as funny and witty as Cabin Pressure writer John Finnemore, but I gave a decent attempt. See for yourself if I managed to make you laugh, or sound like the style of the original.
This is dedicated to Gigi for introducing me to it!
Meet Trudy and Cliff
by Phoebe Roberts
CAROLYN KNAPP-SHAPPEY, CEO of MJN Air
CLIFFORD SPEEDWELL III, the client
TRUDY CADWALLADER, the client’s fiancee
ARTHUR SHAPPEY, Carolyn’s son and the flight attendant
MARTIN CRIEFF, the captain
DOUGLAS RICHARDSON, the first officer
~~~
(In the cabin.)
CAROLYN: Hello, I am Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, and I’d like to welcome you on behalf of MJN Air.
CLIFF: This is the plane?
ARTHUR: We call her Gertie!
CLIFF: Oh, God. All it needs is a couple of passed-out drunks under the seats and it might as well be the Tube.
TRUDY: Oh, I'm sure you'll fix that once you get them to open the liquor cabinet.
(Pause.)
CAROLYN: While Arthur and I are here to make your trip as smooth as possible, we must draw the line at anything that leaves passengers actually incapacitated.
ARTHUR: But, Mum! What about the time the fight broke out with the football team and you used that empty Jameson’s bottle to—
CAROLYN: Thank you, Arthur! I trust we needn’t worry about riots breaking out between a pair of fiancés.
TRUDY: Don’t be so certain, if Cliff doesn’t stop texting the towel girl at the tennis club.
CLIFF: Caw, Trude, give it a rest. What’s everybody going to say when you show up making a mug like you’re a bulldog that somebody kicked in the face?
ARTHUR: Mum says you’re on your way to an anniversary party in San Tropez!
TRUDY: Oh, is that why we’re slingshotting ourselves across the Pacific in a junk heap somebody shot down in the Second World War? We have to go halfway around the world so you can let waitresses sit on your lap while your father tells us how his portfolio and his prostate are doing?
CLIFF: No, it’s because I'm not shut up in enough tiny boxes that I can't get out of while you harangue me.
TRUDY: You never listen to a word I say anyway!
CLIFF: How could I, when you’ve always got me bleeding from the ears!?
TRUDY: Well, have it your way! I am not speaking to you, Clifford! Clifford, do you hear me!? Come back here so I can tell you how I am never speaking to you again! You never listen to me, Clifford! Clifford!
CLIFF: (yelling from the rear) What have you got to drink on this flying bus?
(In the flight deck.)
CAROLYN: Martin, Douglas, have you seen the Johnnie Walker anywhere?
MARTIN: It’s ten o’clock in the morning!
CAROLYN: It’s an emergency, I assure you. Oh, I would have stocked something a little nicer if I didn’t have to worry about Douglas nicking it.
DOUGLAS: Won’t Tartan be good enough for old whatshisname… “Biff Speedtrap?”
MARTIN: You’d better not let them hear you say that.
DOUGLAS: Oh, no? Will that mean they won’t talk to me? Because that would be terrible.
polaris_xx introduced me to Cabin Pressure, a hilarious BBC audio series about a tiny charter airline firm. It's incredibly witty and well-written and I enjoy it a lot. A little while ago I had an idea for a fan fiction written in audio drama style, which I have noodled on but not made much progress. Today's entry is for that, introducing the terrible wealthy couple which the team would be flying to a family party in San Tropez.Whenever I attempt a fan fiction, I want to emulate the style of the property I'm writing for. I am not nearly as funny and witty as Cabin Pressure writer John Finnemore, but I gave a decent attempt. See for yourself if I managed to make you laugh, or sound like the style of the original.
This is dedicated to Gigi for introducing me to it!
Meet Trudy and Cliff
by Phoebe Roberts
CAROLYN KNAPP-SHAPPEY, CEO of MJN Air
CLIFFORD SPEEDWELL III, the client
TRUDY CADWALLADER, the client’s fiancee
ARTHUR SHAPPEY, Carolyn’s son and the flight attendant
MARTIN CRIEFF, the captain
DOUGLAS RICHARDSON, the first officer
~~~
(In the cabin.)
CAROLYN: Hello, I am Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, and I’d like to welcome you on behalf of MJN Air.
CLIFF: This is the plane?
ARTHUR: We call her Gertie!
CLIFF: Oh, God. All it needs is a couple of passed-out drunks under the seats and it might as well be the Tube.
TRUDY: Oh, I'm sure you'll fix that once you get them to open the liquor cabinet.
(Pause.)
CAROLYN: While Arthur and I are here to make your trip as smooth as possible, we must draw the line at anything that leaves passengers actually incapacitated.
ARTHUR: But, Mum! What about the time the fight broke out with the football team and you used that empty Jameson’s bottle to—
CAROLYN: Thank you, Arthur! I trust we needn’t worry about riots breaking out between a pair of fiancés.
TRUDY: Don’t be so certain, if Cliff doesn’t stop texting the towel girl at the tennis club.
CLIFF: Caw, Trude, give it a rest. What’s everybody going to say when you show up making a mug like you’re a bulldog that somebody kicked in the face?
ARTHUR: Mum says you’re on your way to an anniversary party in San Tropez!
TRUDY: Oh, is that why we’re slingshotting ourselves across the Pacific in a junk heap somebody shot down in the Second World War? We have to go halfway around the world so you can let waitresses sit on your lap while your father tells us how his portfolio and his prostate are doing?
CLIFF: No, it’s because I'm not shut up in enough tiny boxes that I can't get out of while you harangue me.
TRUDY: You never listen to a word I say anyway!
CLIFF: How could I, when you’ve always got me bleeding from the ears!?
TRUDY: Well, have it your way! I am not speaking to you, Clifford! Clifford, do you hear me!? Come back here so I can tell you how I am never speaking to you again! You never listen to me, Clifford! Clifford!
CLIFF: (yelling from the rear) What have you got to drink on this flying bus?
(In the flight deck.)
CAROLYN: Martin, Douglas, have you seen the Johnnie Walker anywhere?
MARTIN: It’s ten o’clock in the morning!
CAROLYN: It’s an emergency, I assure you. Oh, I would have stocked something a little nicer if I didn’t have to worry about Douglas nicking it.
DOUGLAS: Won’t Tartan be good enough for old whatshisname… “Biff Speedtrap?”
MARTIN: You’d better not let them hear you say that.
DOUGLAS: Oh, no? Will that mean they won’t talk to me? Because that would be terrible.
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