31 Plays in 31 Days, #25 - "Old Romantic"

[breakinglight11]

Another big mess of a scene for my Cabin Pressure: San Tropez fan fiction. These are tough to write, I think because I'm aiming for someone else's distinctive style and characters. Also I want it to be funny with a touch of pathos as the original manages, such as you find of a show like Scrubs. That's pretty tough for me. So I just banged this out for the sake of a first draft, with plans to edit later once I complete the whole fic.

Old Romantic
by Phoebe Roberts

MARTIN CRIEFF, captain at MJN Air
DOUGLAS RICHARDSON, first officer at MJN Air
~~~

MARTIN: I don't have the best track record with women.

DOUGLAS: I rather got that when I saw you chatting up that hostie at the Cardiff airport by telling her her skin looked delicious.

MARTIN: I don't know what's wrong with me!

(Pause.)

DOUGLAS: That one's so easy I can't even bear to touch it.

MARTIN: Thanks for that, Douglas. Well, whatever it is, it doesn't help that I get so nervous.

DOUGLAS: You? Nervous? Never!

MARTIN: I just panic, I can't help it! Even if by some miracle things are going well, before long I start obsessing over how they could possibly want to be with me.

DOUGLAS: Aren't you reassured by the fact that they're there at all?

MARTIN: Oh, think about it, Douglas! Would you want to be with me?

DOUGLAS: While I see your point, I'm not sure I'm a representative sample.

MARTIN: Well, the fact is, I panic, whether they want to be there or not. And I end up clinging to them so hard I frighten them off.

DOUGLAS: Nothing puts a little confidence in you like a few tricks up your sleeve.

MARTIN: Will you come off that?

DOUGLAS: I thought you wanted to get your bobsled back in the race!

MARTIN: Douglas--!

DOUGLAS: Sounds as if you've been out of the running for some time now.

MARTIN: Yes, yes, okay? But I like this girl! I'm not looking to-- have one off in the cloakroom at the BAFTAs with someone whose name I wouldn't even know if they didn't announce her for Best Supporting Actress!

DOUGLAS: That was one occasion, Martin! I don't know why I even told you about that, it isn't as if you appreciate it.

MARTIN: I'm just trying to take a slightly more... romantic approach.

DOUGLAS: Here now! There's more to me than just a devastatingly magnetic ladykiller. I've a romantic side too. You see, Martin, it's all part of the game. Like when I met my first wife-- let me tell you, Martin, when a woman is forced into a bridesmaid's dress as hideous as that one, she'll be on the lookout for the first possible opportunity to get out of it. And that is a tip from me to you.

MARTIN: Sounds like a very solid foundation for a relationship.

DOUGLAS: Oh, not at all. She was a lot of fun, Joan was, but we weren't quite as suited other ways. It got to the point where I was picking fights just so we could scream at one other already and skip ahead to the snogging.

MARTIN: Does that work?

DOUGLAS: Makeup sex, my friend. God’s gift to hot-tempered women and the men whose every move manages to irritate them.

MARTIN: I don't think I can irritate Theresa into bed.

DOUGLAS: I suppose I don't recommend it. Nothing kills the development of skills at conflict resolution like trying to shag all your troubles away.

MARTIN: I'd like to stay in the game long enough to have conflicts before I worry about how we're going to resolve them.

DOUGLAS: I commend your optimism, old boy. But I've got experience there too. Now, Melinda, my second wife, she was much more sensible. She had things like goals. And plans. And a checking account.

MARTIN: And that drew you to her?

DOUGLAS: Well, I thought as my life grew more, shall we say, chaotic, I thought it might do me good to settle on someone steadier. And as my cracking verbal sparring with Carolyn proves, I've always been drawn to women who can hold their own in a back-and-forth.

MARTIN: Again with the rows. I'm beginning to notice a pattern.

DOUGLAS: Well, it took me long enough, but I finally wised up.

MARTIN: When you split up with her?

DOUGLAS: Actually when she split up with me. When the drinking got to be too much.

MARTIN: Oh.

DOUGLAS: As I said. She was much more sensible than Joan.

(Pause.)

MARTIN: I'm sorry.

DOUGLAS: So it goes.

MARTIN: You'll forgive me if I'm not feeling particularly encouraged.

DOUGLAS: Oh, don't give up. I'll have you know that, despite it all, I'm a great fan of marriage.

MARTIN: Well, you'd have to be, to do it as many times as you have.

DOUGLAS: At least that's not you're concern now.

MARTIN: Isn't it?

DOUGLAS: I know you're not just trying to get one over, Martin but I should say that's moving a little fast.

MARTIN: No, no, I mean... all I'm saying is, if I do... get one over... I'd like to... stay over. Once I've... once I've gotten there. If you know what I mean.

DOUGLAS: I hate it say it, but I rather think I do.