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breakinglight11Forever Captain:
“The Hemingway Trip”
By Phoebe Roberts
~~~
Summary: “In the twenty years since Steve Rogers returned to the midcentury to build a life and family, he’s always been surprised at how close he became with Howard Stark. But it’s that very closeness that makes him the only person Howard can talk to when he’s wrestling with something big.
Nothing like a fishing trip to give the boys a chance to talk.”
Previous chapters:
1. Birds of Odd Feathers
2. In the Drink
3. Rough Time
4. Before This Day Ends
Chapter summary: Howard gets honest and confesses— and more than he intends to.
“The Hemingway Trip”
By Phoebe Roberts
~~~
Summary: “In the twenty years since Steve Rogers returned to the midcentury to build a life and family, he’s always been surprised at how close he became with Howard Stark. But it’s that very closeness that makes him the only person Howard can talk to when he’s wrestling with something big.
Nothing like a fishing trip to give the boys a chance to talk.”
Previous chapters:
1. Birds of Odd Feathers
2. In the Drink
3. Rough Time
4. Before This Day Ends
Chapter summary: Howard gets honest and confesses— and more than he intends to.
~~~
5. Nobody’s Hero
Tense moments went by, then more. Howard watched Steve intently, hackles raising, then tossed his hands out wide. “Well, there you have it!” He began pacing again, splashing heedlessly through the shallows in his wingtips. “What now, Cap? You gonna let me have it? Huh? What you going to do with me?”
Steve swallowed hard. “How could you?”
“There it is!” Howard’s head threw back, teeth clenched. “You wanted to know, you got it! You happy now?”
Steve winced, and tried to reel in his reaction. “No, Howard. I’m not.”
“Of course,” Howard sneered. “Mr. Goddamn Perfect Family Man, never looked at another woman. Beyond the failings of us mortal men. Thought you said no judgment, Cap!”
Steve breathed deep, knowing he had to tread carefully here. Knee-jerk self-righteousness would only chase Howard away, and he’d made that mistake with Tony once already, when first they met and he couldn’t see past the playboy swagger and the ego. But he had gotten his pal talking, so he couldn’t afford to lose him now.
“I’m not judging, and I’m not perfect,” he said at last. “I just— want to understand.”
Howard turned his back. “What’s there to understand?”
Steve kept his voice gentle but firm. “How could you do it?”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake!”
“No, Howard.” His tone didn’t change. “How could you do it to Maria?”
That got him; Steve could see his shoulders collapse a little as the wind was knocked out of his sails. “I didn’t mean to— I’m not—” He looked back, deflated. “Aw, Jesus. Why does anybody do it?”
Steve regarded him impassively. “I don’t know, Howard. Explain it to me.”
He dragged a hand down his face. “Look, I ain’t some kind of monster.”
“I know you’re not.” Steve could not keep the irritation from creeping into his voice. “But I gotta be honest, I’m not that interested in reassuring you right now—”
“All right, all right!” Howard tromped back through the mud to thump down on the rock beside him. The Johnnie Walker he slipped into his vest pocket. “You know how things have been lately. Men in office trying to get me to win this mess of a war for them when there’s nothing left to win. Folks on the street screaming at me that I’m getting rich off killing kids in a jungle. Somehow I managed to be public enemy number one no matter who’s chasing me. Is this my career now?” He sprang up again, forehead clasped in his hands. “Some days, I just— God, I miss the Nazis!”
He pulled himself up on Steve’s look. “I mean— not like that. It’s just, back in the day— you kick a Nazi in the teeth, it’s simple! It makes sense! Not like this garbage, where you don’t even know what the hell you’re fighting for or who the real bad guy is. You know what I mean, don’t you?”
Steve got it, despite the unfortunate phrasing. Hard as the war had been, that clarity of purpose had beat waging a battle against unknown enemies in his own midst at SHIELD. Or against Tony, a man who was his friend.
“It kept me going,” he admitted at last. “Even when things got pretty damn bad.”
“Exactly. We saved the goddamn world. Now… I ain’t nobody’s hero no more. I’m gettin’ it from all sides here, and when I do have a minute at home…Maria’s complaining that I’m not there when I am.”
Steve eyed him sidelong. “Are you?”
Howard threw up his hands. “With all this wringing me out? I’m supposed to have something left over?”
“I see.” A stab of shame dug into Steve, that in all his fretting over Howard, he hadn’t thought to wonder what it might be doing to Maria. He wracked his brain, searching through the last few months for some indication he might have spotted. There had always been an aloofness to her, and if she ever confided in anyone, Steve was not that person. But still, it had been some time since last he’d seen her, and he should have thought to see if she might be suffering too.
He shifted, inwardly berating himself. “So… is that where the other woman comes in?”
Howard scratched at his neck, sheepish. “There… isn’t just one.”
He burst out defensively as Steve’s expression turned. “There’s nobody that means anything! Ain’t like I got a side piece. Just… girls, here and there.”
Steve took that in, feeling slightly sick. “Is that better or worse?”
Howard spread his hands in a plea for mercy. “Jesus, Steve, you think I need this?
“I don’t know. How’s it happened more than once?”
The slight edge of sternness in his voice reined Howard in. He heaved a sigh. “What can I say? Trying to feel a little less lousy about everything I built crumbling to nothing… fell back on some old habits, I guess. ‘Course, that’s what told on me to Jarvis.”
Steve toyed with the fishing pole beside him, remembering the look of hurt in the man’s eyes at the barbecue. “What happened?”
“Found all my hotel receipts. He keeps an eye on things, God damn him. Places I used to take girls, back in the old days, so he knew what they were for. One night, he cornered me in my office, didn’t say a word. Just laid them all out in front of me one by one, so I’d know he’d knew what I did to Maria.” Howard’s lip curled. “So, yeah. Jarvis hates me now.”
Steve sighed. “Jarvis doesn’t hate you.”
“Like hell he doesn’t. He’s her man these days, you know. Always did like her better than me. Now I just disgust him. He can’t even look me in the eye.”
“He wants you to do better.”
Howard snarled. “Jesus. This Is what I get for surrounding myself with Boy Scouts. Look, you’re all making a big deal out of nothing.”
Steve turned to fix him with a look. “Are you serious?”
The man glanced down, unable to meet his eyes. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
“Oh, come on.” He felt the last of his neutral façade come down like a ton of bricks. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“Ah, now the gloves come off. I bare my soul to you, and that’s what you give me?”
“I’m not condemning you. But I’m not going to give you a pass, either.”
“Yeah, right.” Howard’s lip curled. “I should have known. Drag me out here like you’re some kind of pal who gives a damn what I’m going through.”
“I do care, Howard.”
But Howard stood and stalked off again. “Nah. You know, you might talk a good game about leaving Captain America behind you. But you still think you’re the righteous defender of moral virtue. You always know what everybody should do and how they should live their lives.”
That brought Steve to his feet as well. “It doesn’t take a saint to know it’s wrong to screw around on your wife.”
“Yeah, ‘cause it’s so easy to always do the right thing, no matter what’s going on!” Howard stopped in his tracks, whirled so that he was nose to nose with Steve. “Well, I didn’t get a serum to make me perfect, pal! It ain’t so easy for me!”
Steve refused to rise to the bait. “So let me help! If things are so hard.”
“Yeah, right. ‘Cause you’re on my side here? You don’t even know what it’s like!”
Steve’s eyes narrowed in confusion, and it pulled him back a step. “Know what what’s like?”
Howard snagged in a breath. He wavered and seemed to shrink back a little, as if suddenly embarrassed. “What’s old Ernest say? ‘A treachery of one’s own body.’”
Mirthlessly Steve laughed. “I thought I was supposed to be the Old Man and the Sea here.”
Some of the intensity crept back into Howard then, as he fixed his friend with a withering look. “Naw. How could you be? You don’t get old. How would you know what it feels like?”
Next chapter: 6. Promises to Keep
5. Nobody’s Hero
Tense moments went by, then more. Howard watched Steve intently, hackles raising, then tossed his hands out wide. “Well, there you have it!” He began pacing again, splashing heedlessly through the shallows in his wingtips. “What now, Cap? You gonna let me have it? Huh? What you going to do with me?”
Steve swallowed hard. “How could you?”
“There it is!” Howard’s head threw back, teeth clenched. “You wanted to know, you got it! You happy now?”
Steve winced, and tried to reel in his reaction. “No, Howard. I’m not.”
“Of course,” Howard sneered. “Mr. Goddamn Perfect Family Man, never looked at another woman. Beyond the failings of us mortal men. Thought you said no judgment, Cap!”
Steve breathed deep, knowing he had to tread carefully here. Knee-jerk self-righteousness would only chase Howard away, and he’d made that mistake with Tony once already, when first they met and he couldn’t see past the playboy swagger and the ego. But he had gotten his pal talking, so he couldn’t afford to lose him now.
“I’m not judging, and I’m not perfect,” he said at last. “I just— want to understand.”
Howard turned his back. “What’s there to understand?”
Steve kept his voice gentle but firm. “How could you do it?”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake!”
“No, Howard.” His tone didn’t change. “How could you do it to Maria?”
That got him; Steve could see his shoulders collapse a little as the wind was knocked out of his sails. “I didn’t mean to— I’m not—” He looked back, deflated. “Aw, Jesus. Why does anybody do it?”
Steve regarded him impassively. “I don’t know, Howard. Explain it to me.”
He dragged a hand down his face. “Look, I ain’t some kind of monster.”
“I know you’re not.” Steve could not keep the irritation from creeping into his voice. “But I gotta be honest, I’m not that interested in reassuring you right now—”
“All right, all right!” Howard tromped back through the mud to thump down on the rock beside him. The Johnnie Walker he slipped into his vest pocket. “You know how things have been lately. Men in office trying to get me to win this mess of a war for them when there’s nothing left to win. Folks on the street screaming at me that I’m getting rich off killing kids in a jungle. Somehow I managed to be public enemy number one no matter who’s chasing me. Is this my career now?” He sprang up again, forehead clasped in his hands. “Some days, I just— God, I miss the Nazis!”
He pulled himself up on Steve’s look. “I mean— not like that. It’s just, back in the day— you kick a Nazi in the teeth, it’s simple! It makes sense! Not like this garbage, where you don’t even know what the hell you’re fighting for or who the real bad guy is. You know what I mean, don’t you?”
Steve got it, despite the unfortunate phrasing. Hard as the war had been, that clarity of purpose had beat waging a battle against unknown enemies in his own midst at SHIELD. Or against Tony, a man who was his friend.
“It kept me going,” he admitted at last. “Even when things got pretty damn bad.”
“Exactly. We saved the goddamn world. Now… I ain’t nobody’s hero no more. I’m gettin’ it from all sides here, and when I do have a minute at home…Maria’s complaining that I’m not there when I am.”
Steve eyed him sidelong. “Are you?”
Howard threw up his hands. “With all this wringing me out? I’m supposed to have something left over?”
“I see.” A stab of shame dug into Steve, that in all his fretting over Howard, he hadn’t thought to wonder what it might be doing to Maria. He wracked his brain, searching through the last few months for some indication he might have spotted. There had always been an aloofness to her, and if she ever confided in anyone, Steve was not that person. But still, it had been some time since last he’d seen her, and he should have thought to see if she might be suffering too.
He shifted, inwardly berating himself. “So… is that where the other woman comes in?”
Howard scratched at his neck, sheepish. “There… isn’t just one.”
He burst out defensively as Steve’s expression turned. “There’s nobody that means anything! Ain’t like I got a side piece. Just… girls, here and there.”
Steve took that in, feeling slightly sick. “Is that better or worse?”
Howard spread his hands in a plea for mercy. “Jesus, Steve, you think I need this?
“I don’t know. How’s it happened more than once?”
The slight edge of sternness in his voice reined Howard in. He heaved a sigh. “What can I say? Trying to feel a little less lousy about everything I built crumbling to nothing… fell back on some old habits, I guess. ‘Course, that’s what told on me to Jarvis.”
Steve toyed with the fishing pole beside him, remembering the look of hurt in the man’s eyes at the barbecue. “What happened?”
“Found all my hotel receipts. He keeps an eye on things, God damn him. Places I used to take girls, back in the old days, so he knew what they were for. One night, he cornered me in my office, didn’t say a word. Just laid them all out in front of me one by one, so I’d know he’d knew what I did to Maria.” Howard’s lip curled. “So, yeah. Jarvis hates me now.”
Steve sighed. “Jarvis doesn’t hate you.”
“Like hell he doesn’t. He’s her man these days, you know. Always did like her better than me. Now I just disgust him. He can’t even look me in the eye.”
“He wants you to do better.”
Howard snarled. “Jesus. This Is what I get for surrounding myself with Boy Scouts. Look, you’re all making a big deal out of nothing.”
Steve turned to fix him with a look. “Are you serious?”
The man glanced down, unable to meet his eyes. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
“Oh, come on.” He felt the last of his neutral façade come down like a ton of bricks. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”
“Ah, now the gloves come off. I bare my soul to you, and that’s what you give me?”
“I’m not condemning you. But I’m not going to give you a pass, either.”
“Yeah, right.” Howard’s lip curled. “I should have known. Drag me out here like you’re some kind of pal who gives a damn what I’m going through.”
“I do care, Howard.”
But Howard stood and stalked off again. “Nah. You know, you might talk a good game about leaving Captain America behind you. But you still think you’re the righteous defender of moral virtue. You always know what everybody should do and how they should live their lives.”
That brought Steve to his feet as well. “It doesn’t take a saint to know it’s wrong to screw around on your wife.”
“Yeah, ‘cause it’s so easy to always do the right thing, no matter what’s going on!” Howard stopped in his tracks, whirled so that he was nose to nose with Steve. “Well, I didn’t get a serum to make me perfect, pal! It ain’t so easy for me!”
Steve refused to rise to the bait. “So let me help! If things are so hard.”
“Yeah, right. ‘Cause you’re on my side here? You don’t even know what it’s like!”
Steve’s eyes narrowed in confusion, and it pulled him back a step. “Know what what’s like?”
Howard snagged in a breath. He wavered and seemed to shrink back a little, as if suddenly embarrassed. “What’s old Ernest say? ‘A treachery of one’s own body.’”
Mirthlessly Steve laughed. “I thought I was supposed to be the Old Man and the Sea here.”
Some of the intensity crept back into Howard then, as he fixed his friend with a withering look. “Naw. How could you be? You don’t get old. How would you know what it feels like?”
Next chapter: 6. Promises to Keep
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