Beautiful

[breakinglight11]

I am very fortunate to be a pretty girl. God knows how much I enjoy it and all the ways it makes me happy. I like it very much when other people notice and think so as well. So I've never been terribly distressed to have people stare, or make comments, or randomly hit on me, or even express their appreciation in even ruder ways. Yeah, sometimes it can be disrespectful, or annoying, but I'm usually okay with it because, hey, they wouldn't be doing it if they didn't think I was attractive. It's a nice feeling when someone uninvested tells you you look good.

So, no, I don't really mind it, but sometimes I really don't understand it. I get hit on lots of random places-- on the street, at the grocery store, at malls. I was walking with a friend on Russell Street a while ago, and a car full of jerky boys slowed down to catcall and leer. I laughed and said unthinkingly, "Again? Is Waltham just full of exceptionally tacky people?" She said "it's never happened to me." It happens to me fairly frequently. It happened again earlier this week. Now, I swear I have more of a point than how very difficult the life of a good-looking girl is-- my confusion comes in here. I get it, people like pretty people and want to be around them. What I don't understand is how you can make a play for someone based on no more information than you deem them to be physically attractive.

Because when a guy comes up to you in a food court in a mall and asks for your number, how does he have any idea you're the kind of person he'd actually want to date? How do these random guys know if I'm smart or nice or fun or interesting or anything at all besides pretty? Sure, I have a nice smile and a cute tummy, but do they really want to listen to me talk about larps or watch Law and Order with me? Or are they going to find me hopelessly geeky and way too arrogant? I love looking at the pretty as much as the next deeply shallow girl, but I personally can never really want anything from anyone I'm not already interested in as a person. I don't even particularly like touching people more than normal if I don't have that interest. I guess there's a hope that something might be there-- and as a friend once said to me, though it is what's inside that counts, people are more willing to look for those good things in a person with a good exterior. I'm willing to bet at least some of the people who have had feelings for me because of who I am were at least initially drawn because of what I look like. But I need to get to know a person first before I can have anything to do with him that way, so I'm slightly confused by people who hit on me before they do anything more than see me.

Comments

The Theory...

[bronzite.livejournal.com]

The Theory goes something like this:

In order to have a successful long-term relationship, you generally need three things: physical attraction, intellectual engagement, and emotional compatibility. Different people require these different values in a mate in differing amounts. For people for whom physical attraction is important, or who have very high standards, they can tell on sight whether or not you meet their minimum physical attraction quotient. Thus, one of the three key requirements is fulfilled. The other two might be, but the only way to find out is to get to know you better, hence the date. Taking the proverbial shot at engaging you has a very low opportunity cost, and a substantial payout if you prove compatible. As such, some guys maintain a policy of attempting to romantically engage every girl who falls into their "beauty" range, or every one who meets a certain standard.

Put another way, they know you're beautiful, and you might be stable and interesting as well, but if they don't ask, they'll never know if you were perfect.

Re: The Theory...

[gizmo224.livejournal.com]

Hm. That makes a decent amount of sense. By that reasoning I'd emphasize those in the inverse order to the way you listed, though there are certain disqualifying traits in the subordinate categories that can override the higher ones. I'd yet to generalize it since I was looking at the only case I really knew.

[gizmo224.livejournal.com]

Heh, I dunno. The majority of people I've found interesting in that way at all I'd known on some level for at least a year prior in some respect. Some don't even hold up to the general conventions of what's considered pretty, some do. There have been exceptions to this, but in those cases we really took off in finding common interests over the course of, say, a month or two. Note that this isn't just applying to people I've actually dated, but people I'd even consider. I'm kinda weird for a guy though, apparently. It also makes finding someone vaguely difficult, but eh.

So yeah. I don't deny that you're physically quite gorgeous, but I'm not one of the guys that's developed spontaneous feelings for you. XD

On another note, what's wrong with Law and Order? It's one of the only shows on television that both my dad and I can agree to watch... I suppose it's repeated so much that I often catch the same episode multiple times, but otherwise?

[laurion]

Sometimes it's worth it to shoot first and ask questions later. Er, rather, I mean, to make the play first, and learn about the other person later. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, but it's possibly better than hanging around and taking the time to learn about someone first, and then watch while they end up with someone else.

Visual/physical attraction is something you can figure out in under 5 minutes, but truly learning about someone can take a lifetime. That's what relationships are about.

So of course I'm also obliged to point out that sometimes what people want is not a relationship, and they really don't care as much about the rest of that stuff, so long as there's the physical chemistry.

All I can say is thank goodness for me there are people out there who don't just make those choices based on physical characteristics alone. *grin*

[hanasaseru.livejournal.com]

I mean, to be blunt, I think probably some men who hit on women based on physical attraction aren't necessarily interested in her personality, or getting to know her for longer than, say, it would take to hook up with them. And I know it's a stereotype of men but it's also true in general that there are people who don't need a getting-to-know you routine or to be emotionally comfortable with a person in order to want to just sleep with them. And they might be hoping that there's just a chance you might feel the way, because you are quite attractive. :)

However, I imagine there are also people who hit on attractive people in order to try to get to know them, and hope there's something more you might have in common, because wouldn't you just love to find out that you and that hottie over there in fact do have a lot in common, and hit it off fantastically. And, if one is physically attracted to someone and hopes that there may be a chance of a relationship, they might just start in with the flirting so as to not get put in the "friend" category, so to speak.

Either way, I'm sure their are a lot of reasons, shallow and not, well-thought out and not, for it, but those were my first thoughts on the matter.

[yunafonfabre.livejournal.com]

Here's what I know:

I set my online dating site to show me ONLY women aged 24-41 who are either lesbian or bisexual, who have a high match percentage on their questionnaires, and who are within the Boston metropolitan area and suburbs.

Given this list, I then look at photographs to find people I'm physically attracted to. When I find one I read their profile. If they're open-minded, articulate, have common interests, and are not poly-hostile, I message them.

Physical attraction is important. Without it, nothing else can really happen -- I'm a little shallow that way, and I have to enjoy the basic act of being proximate for someone to qualify as a date. On the other hand, I don't require it to be extreme -- looks above better-than-average are only a perq.

Now, the questionnaire they use is largely useless for anything but determining someone's general politics. So my list of criteria ends up being:

I DON'T EVEN BOTHER UNLESS I KNOW THAT THEY ARE:
1) Lesbian or female bisexual.
2) Appropriate age. (33 / 2 = 16.5 + 7 = 23.5)
3) Politically liberal.
4) Local.

I DON'T SERIOUSLY PURSUE UNLESS THEY ARE:
5) Good-looking.
6) Intelligent.
7) Compatible in terms of relationship style.
8) Interested in things I'm interested in.

Given ... given all that, I find the concept of just going around randomly hitting on anyone cute absolutely incomprehensible.

With the guys hooting out their car windows, though, I think it may be something entirely different: a way for them to affirm their masculinity to each other and blow off aggression as a group. I have never seen anyone do this when alone.

And ... while I've never been catcalled by someone who thought I was good-looking, now that I think of it I've been catcalled by cars full of teenagers or college boys insulting me. Which is quite possibly just another manifestation of the same phenomenon.