Let's write more stuff for Palamon

So last night I did some serious work on my blank verse writing assignment. I don't know how good it is, but it's something, it's an honest effort with some substance to it. But I kind of like the topic at least, because I am writing about the conflict between Palamon, the fan favorite character from To Think of Nothing, and the younger brother of his who craves his approval.

There is a quick mention of a person in To Think of Nothing named Zephyrus as someone who attended an earlier show written by Cassander. Zephyrus is, in fact, Palamon's younger brother, who, to create contrast with his sibling, I decided is an actor who wants and never feels he gets the approval of the renowned theater critic he's related to. With that in mind, stuck for something to write about, I decided to write about the brothers working their crafts against one another.

I love the character of Palamon, It's weird to say about your own character, who hopefully ends up as whatever you designed him to be, but I find him so fun and charming and funny with an honesty that cuts through the bullshit to the bone, and I love it. This is shaped not only by my own intentions but by the fabulous performance of morethings5. Nobody could have played him more perfectly than Kindness, whose rendition made the character loveable, amusing, and yet still with that sharp incisiveness that gives him weight in addition to his comedy.

There you have it, the only one with the guts to sit in Cassander's chair. I just want to write reams and reams about him, so I've been craving a chance to use him in something again. And I'm amused by the fact that I'm writing him to speak in blank verse. I will post the results when I'm finished, which knowing me will likely not be before Friday, the last possible day I have to work on it.

I also need to get started on my regular playwrighting assignment. I was struck today with the notion to use two characters from The Stand, of all places. A PC and an NPC, the one who kind of captured my imagination and made me think there could be all kind of cool stories written about him. I can't work on that until I finish the stuff with the more pressing deadline, but that could be interesting to work on as well. Heh, though I think it would be spoilery for those who have not played the game.

"Man of the Theater"

I've always liked this image for some twisted reason. In a kinky way I like the bizarre way my body looks with the ace bandage crisscrossing my chest and changing my shape. It was taken by Jordi Goodman during Romeo and Juliet tech week, when I was playing Paris. Part of my pre-show ritual when playing men (which is often for me) is to walk around in just the ace bandage I use to bind down my breasts. It's hard to explain exactly what this does for me, but I guess it's a weird way of acknowledging my femininity and then dismissing it in order to fully take on the male persona I will be playing. For me, I think it's the exposed midriff contrasting with the rest of my appearence. I feel like my midriff is one of the most attractive parts of my body, so when it's exposed I feel like my normal feminine self. But when I'm bound up it's like I've put on a different skin, taken on a different shape, a male one that I want to settle into before I dress it in its costume. Though in my regular life I feel naturally traditionally feminine in most ways, and am pretty secure in that notion, I like sometimes stepping into masculine headspace. This is part of the way I transition into feeling more manly. A lot of girls can't play men because they don't like the implication that they can be unfeminine enough to make a believable man, but maybe this ritual is how I avoid that. You can see my sexy girl belly is still there, but the rest of me is different, reformed into something almost like a man.

There's something kinky about this image, something transgressive that appeals to me. I am fascinated by how flat I look here, strong flat stomach muscles beneath a flat bound-up chest, going down into hips flattened by the cut of my slacks. I also like the suggestion of constraint; not only is my chest bound, even the way I hold myself looks tightly contained and carefully controlled. I remember when I was in Love's Labor's Lost how fixated some of my castmates were on how uncomfortable it must have been; some seemed even slightly creeped out by it. To some apparently this is something kind of twisted. But to me, it's part of changing how I feel in order to feel like the different thing I'm trying to become. Maybe I like this image because of how it shows that process, of becoming that other thing. Maybe I like how different I look from how I normally see myself; I've always enjoyed becoming someone totally different from me. Or maybe it's that very juxtaposition I mentioned before, of constrained, reshaped torso and squared-off man trousers that I put on as markers of masculinity with my beloved midriff that I associate so strongly with appealing femininity. There's some complicated weirdness going on here, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is that appeals so much to me, but all I'm sure of is that something here I find very, very cool. Just out of curiosity, do I look at all masculine to anyone else's eye? Or do I just look like a skinny girl with an ace bandage around her chest?

I call this image "Man of the Theater." I like the pun of the title. I would be a man of the theater if I were a man, since I participate in the making of it. But also, I'm not really a man, so my being a man IS theater. And since I'm not really a man, it's only through the theater that I can be a man at all.

Perhaps sometime, if someone with any facility with a camera wants to, I'd like to reshoot this image a little more deliberately. Maybe do a series of myself in man pants, with my hair slicked, and my breasts flattened out by an ace bandage, where I actively try to look as masculine as possible that way. It might make an interesting study, as I'm so fascinated by the image it produces.