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breakinglight11As I mentioned recently, I’ve been struggling to make myself go back and edit my novel version of Adonis. I am currently very unhappy with what I have, and seriously concerned my prose writing skills aren’t quite up to the task of making it the quality that I want it to be. I think it’s SUCH a good story, it deserves better than what I’ve managed to hack together so far. But my fear of being inadequate to the job puts me off.
Consequently, it’s been a while since I’ve gone back to it. But it occurs to me I’ve done a fair bit of prose writing since then. Since finishing the first draft I’ve written almost another novel’s worth of Captain America fan fiction, which if nothing else, has given me the opportunity to practice. Now, that’s considerably lower-stakes, and lower-demand due to considerably lower standards in various dimensions, so maybe it’s not really comparable. But I guess there’s a chance with that work I’ve done there has improved me. I suppose nothing will tell so much as going back and attempting the edit again.
One of the things I want to do with subsequent drafts of the novel is to expand it with secondary characters and story. Right now it’s very focused on the main plot, which was taken directly from the original screenplay. But I thought that giving Aidan some fellow gladiators to interact with would be a good way to add depth. So this scene shows a bit of that attempt, laying the groundwork for the scene I did in Day #7 - Red Tyrus. There’s not much here yet, but there’s an idea.
Day #18 - “Legend on the Sands”
From Adonis
By Phoebe Roberts
~~~
AIDAN, a Celtic gladiator
HAMBA, a Nubian gladiator
JOXER, a Macedonian gladiator, formerly a whore
ZAGORA, a Dalmatian gladiator, formerly a soldier
GAN JHAO, a Han gladiator
The Colosseum, the city of Rome
~~~
(They turn at the sound of JOXER attempting to scale the carved stone wall.)
JHAO: What do you do? The guards will pull you down.
JOXER: I’ll be quick.
ZAGORA: What are you about?
JOXER: Trying to get a look at the boxes. Don’t just stand there gawping, help me up.
(AIDAN and HAMBA look at each other. HAMBA rolls his eyes and they assist him.)
JHAO: Hoping you’ll spot an old patron?
JOXER: Not a patron. Red Tyrus.
ZAGORA: Red Tyrus? Would he be here?
JOXER: I’d bet on it. Given the company he keeps now.
ZAGORA: I heard nothing of him in ages. I thought he’d died.
JOXER: Hardly. Still, in my circles he’s legend.
HAMBA: Who is? A whore?
ZAGORA: Ha! A gladiator. One of the greatest of all time. Champion of the great games after the last victory in Carthage— twenty-odd year ago?
JOXER: Twenty-three. They say he had the crowd eating out of his hand. Even the highborn women— magistrates, marshals. Even a senator.
HAMBA: Of course. We are meat, after all. Are you not through?
JOXER: Easy! But Tyrus, he bested them all— not just in the arena, but for the real prize. That senator fell hard for him. Gave him gifts, made a pet of him. Even interceded on his behalf. Enough that he need never set foot on the sands again.
(AIDAN gasps quietly. The others look at him.)
AIDAN: Something my sister said… did she free him?
JOXER: (Laughing) She married him.
(That is enough to startle all of them.)
JHAO: Can that be true? A senator?
JOXER: Swear on my bones. There!
ZAGORA: Where?
JOXER: The box to the left of the imperial seat! The tallest one, black as the new earth, dressed in citizen’s robe.
(They crowd and stretch to try and see him.)
ZAGORA: I have seen him! But I didn’t know him. He’s cut off his hair.
HAMBA: He looks like me. Or could be, with my father’s years. Except he is there, and I am here.
(Pause.)
HAMBA: What is the difference?
JHAO: He fought for them. He gave them what they wanted.
(JOXER hops down from HAMBA and AIDAN’s shoulders.)
JOXER: Lucky for you, you’re about to have the chance. We all are.
HAMBA: If that’s what it takes. A steep price, to make a man of a slave.
Consequently, it’s been a while since I’ve gone back to it. But it occurs to me I’ve done a fair bit of prose writing since then. Since finishing the first draft I’ve written almost another novel’s worth of Captain America fan fiction, which if nothing else, has given me the opportunity to practice. Now, that’s considerably lower-stakes, and lower-demand due to considerably lower standards in various dimensions, so maybe it’s not really comparable. But I guess there’s a chance with that work I’ve done there has improved me. I suppose nothing will tell so much as going back and attempting the edit again.
One of the things I want to do with subsequent drafts of the novel is to expand it with secondary characters and story. Right now it’s very focused on the main plot, which was taken directly from the original screenplay. But I thought that giving Aidan some fellow gladiators to interact with would be a good way to add depth. So this scene shows a bit of that attempt, laying the groundwork for the scene I did in Day #7 - Red Tyrus. There’s not much here yet, but there’s an idea.
Day #18 - “Legend on the Sands”
From Adonis
By Phoebe Roberts
~~~
AIDAN, a Celtic gladiator
HAMBA, a Nubian gladiator
JOXER, a Macedonian gladiator, formerly a whore
ZAGORA, a Dalmatian gladiator, formerly a soldier
GAN JHAO, a Han gladiator
The Colosseum, the city of Rome
~~~
(They turn at the sound of JOXER attempting to scale the carved stone wall.)
JHAO: What do you do? The guards will pull you down.
JOXER: I’ll be quick.
ZAGORA: What are you about?
JOXER: Trying to get a look at the boxes. Don’t just stand there gawping, help me up.
(AIDAN and HAMBA look at each other. HAMBA rolls his eyes and they assist him.)
JHAO: Hoping you’ll spot an old patron?
JOXER: Not a patron. Red Tyrus.
ZAGORA: Red Tyrus? Would he be here?
JOXER: I’d bet on it. Given the company he keeps now.
ZAGORA: I heard nothing of him in ages. I thought he’d died.
JOXER: Hardly. Still, in my circles he’s legend.
HAMBA: Who is? A whore?
ZAGORA: Ha! A gladiator. One of the greatest of all time. Champion of the great games after the last victory in Carthage— twenty-odd year ago?
JOXER: Twenty-three. They say he had the crowd eating out of his hand. Even the highborn women— magistrates, marshals. Even a senator.
HAMBA: Of course. We are meat, after all. Are you not through?
JOXER: Easy! But Tyrus, he bested them all— not just in the arena, but for the real prize. That senator fell hard for him. Gave him gifts, made a pet of him. Even interceded on his behalf. Enough that he need never set foot on the sands again.
(AIDAN gasps quietly. The others look at him.)
AIDAN: Something my sister said… did she free him?
JOXER: (Laughing) She married him.
(That is enough to startle all of them.)
JHAO: Can that be true? A senator?
JOXER: Swear on my bones. There!
ZAGORA: Where?
JOXER: The box to the left of the imperial seat! The tallest one, black as the new earth, dressed in citizen’s robe.
(They crowd and stretch to try and see him.)
ZAGORA: I have seen him! But I didn’t know him. He’s cut off his hair.
HAMBA: He looks like me. Or could be, with my father’s years. Except he is there, and I am here.
(Pause.)
HAMBA: What is the difference?
JHAO: He fought for them. He gave them what they wanted.
(JOXER hops down from HAMBA and AIDAN’s shoulders.)
JOXER: Lucky for you, you’re about to have the chance. We all are.
HAMBA: If that’s what it takes. A steep price, to make a man of a slave.
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