Had a very nice Easter yesterday, if a little more work-intensive and annoyance-riddled than I would have expected. My family and I went out to a lovely Easter dinner at this beautiful inn in town called the Glasbern. It is a converted farm with lovely old farm buildings like barns and stables converted into dining rooms and lodgings, with gorgeous landscaping and actually raises a lot of its own livestock on sight. Homegrown chicken is very tasty, it turns out. I also ran into an old friend, a girl, Debbie, working there who went to my old high school, and in fact played Selene in the very first production of To Think of Nothing four years ago. I told her that I got a chance to direct it for myself just recently, and she said she loved the role and had very good memories of putting on the play.
The only problem was that I got quickly and inexplicably carsick on both the drive there and the drive home. Fortunately it wore off by the time dinner arrived, but I was really angry. There was no reason for me to get sick; the trip was short and over easy roads. I'm kind of afraid to get into a car again.
Fighting a very mild remnant of nausea for the rest of the night, I finally checked over and sent out all forty character sheets for my two games. It took hours, and feeling slightly sick did not help. And we had a drop in Oz RIGHT AFTER I sent out all the sheets. We had someone on the waitlist, but if that drop had occurred just a little earlier we could have redone the casting. The character that had to be filled is extremely well-suited to a particular kind of player, and I can think of others who probably would have enjoyed it. Ah, well. It will be fine, and I'm just grateful that the games are still full.
It's always been hard for me to believe that it's okay for me to want things.
I'm not sure why. It's certainly not something caused by my upbringing; for the most part my family has been very supportive and understanding of the things I needed and always endeavored to give me all of it. But for some reason, I have always felt like asking people for things was weak, demanding, selfish, and wrong, and needing anything was dangerous, because you don't have the right to expect anything, so you probably weren't going to get it.
This wasn't such a big deal before I came to college. In high school I was a much colder, more detached person, and nothing had all that much power to hurt me. It's not that I was particularly zen or evolved; I didn't have much investment in anything outside of myself, people included, which meant nothing external meant all that much either way. Totally natural, totally incidental, of no personal effort whatsoever. But I held it up as a point of pride, and constructed a lot of my image on it-- I am beautiful and untouchable, and I don't need anybody or anything. And I know for a fact that many of the boys I dated so casually and detachedly thought it was awesome how low-maintenance I was.
But, to paraphrase Sean Connery in First Knight, he who needs nothing loves nothing, and that was true of me. Nothing mattered all that much, which meant there was nothing that would hurt me to lose, but also nothing, and very few other than my family, that I really loved or cared about.
Thankfully, I've become a lot more human since high school. It means that things matter to me now, people matter to me now. But it also means that now I need things from people, and the cost of that is that a lot more has the power to hurt me, not least of which is my guilt over it. Maybe it's because I spent so much time telling myself that it was a thing that made me stronger and better that I didn't need anything, but nowadays I feel bad about myself when I do. And I had evidence that my low-maintenance qualities were considered to be part of my appeal. Weak, needy people wanted things. Nobody likes to constantly have to do things for somebody else-- I was more desirable because they wouldn't have to do anything for me. To ask is selfish and demanding, petty and dependent, and what makes me think that anyone owes me anything? What right do I have to ask?
A huge example of this was my (non-)relationship with Alain. He was the first person I ever had strong feelings for-- certainly not love, but still, strong feelings. Which made him pretty much the first person ever I really strongly desired to have a connection with. So, in my desperation to make him want to have a connection with me, I wanted to make myself seem appealing, low-maintenance, completely free of undesirable qualities. So I never asked him for anything, never made any demands on him, no matter what I was feeling. If I wanted attention that he didn't seem inclined to give, I never asked for any. If something he did hurt my feelings and made me feel uncared for, I let it go. This was partially because I never wanted to seem like a chore, and partially because of how afraid I was that even if I did ask, he wouldn't want to give it to me. And because I asked for nothing from me, he gave me nothing, until even our relationship became nothing, and I ached for it.
I recognize how unhealthy this is. My behaving like that contributed in large part to how damaging that situation was to me. But it's always hard to get over, even now that I associate with people who are much better for me. I'm still kind of afraid that if I suddenly start needing things, I'll lose the appeal of being so low-maintenance and come to be seen as a burden. And I'm definately afraid of having my needs rejected. I don't know why I expect to never get what I want, even from the people I love, whom I know love me. Or more specifically, why I expect them to never want to do anything for me. It's even caused problems for Jared and I when I said "It's okay," so many times when it wasn't that he didn't know any better than to keep on doing things that caused me pain. I know in my head that people who love you will want to make sure you have the things you need. But I'm afraid of testing that love and finding that it wasn't enough to want to take care of me after all. And finally, I'm afraid that if I get used to someone giving me things and doing things for me and helping me, what will happen to me if suddenly they're not there anymore? To have it and then have it taken away I'm afraid would break me. And I guess I worry that i I know it isn't healthy; God knows I've suffered for it in the past. But it's so hard to escape that desire for freedom from desire. I use to repeat that to myself, in my mind, and in my journal, again and again during low periods. I want to want nothing. If you don't want anything, you never get hurt when you don't get it. If nobody has to take care of you, nobody can get tired of taking care of you.
I am still working through this. But at least I understand the trouble I have.
So the Performing Arts Club banquet was last night. I went as Tiffany Case from the Connery Bond film Diamonds are Forever. I wore a dress covered entirely, and I mean entirely, in dark blue sequins, with silver heels that matched my little silver sequined bag.
I looked really hot. Thought you should know.
What a week I had. Lots of ups and downs, but it all came out okay.
I spent the night of Oliver dance auditions upset over something stupid, and was upset with myself for being upset over it. I didn't make it into Oliver, and none of my friends got the roles they deserved. I got a grip on my lame-ass self over the stupid thing, and I'm not broken up about not getting into Oliver. I'm not the kind of person who feels sorry for herself; I firmly believe you're as happy as you choose to be. I do wish however that my friends had been better-dealt-with. You all earned those roles, and would have played the hell out of them.
The only thing I was really a little depressed over was that nobody to whom I told my new story idea reacted the way I wanted them to. I wanted to elicit a feeling of "That's sad," and all I got was a chorus of "That's gross." And well, yeah, it is, but that's a given; I thought it was a good, affecting plot device. But it seems everybody else just think it's first and foremost yucky. That makes me sad, like maybe my idea is just gross. I mean, hey... I thought it was good.
But there was good stuff this week too. I went to see Mr. Kleintop on Monday, and we had a wonderful conversation. We didn't talk about anything in particular, we just talked. Almost like, well... like we were friends. And for once I didn't worry over whether I was boring the person I was talking to; he was so interested, and interesting. I love how every single time I come to see him, he tells me to come again, often and soon. I can't explain why, but it's so important to me that he likes me, that he thinks well on me. And he does, I really think he does. All the times I was bummed this week, I would think of that, and I'd start to feel better.
And coolest of all, Mr. Moll is letting me direct a one-scene Shakespeare we can take to competition! I'm so excited! I won't actually get to attend the competition, because it's on the same day as the children's show, but that's okay, this will be an awesome opportunity. Ally and Ryan, you're in. No excuses. You're gonna do this for me; I need you. I may not be in Oliver, but who cares when I have this? Just goes to show, every time God closes a door, He opens a window. And that I have no right to let myself be sad.
And at the moment, I'm admiring my hair. Fresh-washed, clean and shining, soft and perfect and beautiful as a river of chocolate-dark silk. Ah, but I have gorgeous hair.
Life isn't bad. It really isn't.
ITS Conference rocked. Highlights include:
-Hugging Monty from "A Bird of Prey". I'm not usually into dramas about high school, but the actors were so good in this one I was blown away. I told everybody this already, but I'll commit it to writing: I went up to Dustin Giffen, the kid who played Monty, told him how great he was, and asked if I could hug him. He hugs very well. 
That made my day.
-"Pageant". So, so hilarious. So, so well put together. I laughed till it hurt. I ask again: where did they get those shoes? I mean, high heels that fit guys!
-"Nunsense". Very funny, and I enjoy Catholic humor. For some reason I cannot name, I like nuns. I want to wear a habit sometime. I don't know why. Man, did the girl that played Sister Mary Amnesia have a set of pipes on her. Wow.
-Those two boys that sang "She Has Lily's Eyes" from "The Secret Garden" were wonderful. What a beautiful song, what excellent singing. Brought tears to my eyes.
-Declaring that from now on, anytime anyone gives a lousy vocal performance, they shall be called "Sour Kangaroo". Seriously, you know you're bad when the audience groans when you come back out on stage.
-Seeing two or three production numbers we did at Stage Door performed, and being part of a self-satisfied ripple of "We were better" that ran through the rows of seats. We were, too.
-The kid who sang the lead in "Glory" from Pippin wore shiny gold jeans. I want shiny gold jeans. Though more people were distracted by the, uh, rabbit in his pocket the whole time. Eee.
-Walking around with Reagan talking about nothing when we got caught outside the theater after the next play started. We just hung out and talked about stuff. We even saw Andrew Wilson, the kid that played Horton, in the halls, and we had a sweet conversation with us, and he hugged Reagan. He seemed like a really nice kid. Reagan's great to hang out with.
-The period costume seminar. This incredible lady with the most lovely wavy silver hair caught up in a clasp showed up these beautiful Victorian costumes. She directs her school's shows as well as wardrobes them. She was fascinating and cool; I wish she was our director.
-The wonder that is Kayla Angstadt. I met her during M*A*S*H* rehearsals and really liked her, but I didn't realize just how cool she was until she was one of my roommates. It wasn't anything in particular that she did; she just was herself, and was great company. What a nice, sweet, awesome girl.
-Eating about twelve or thirteen oranges during the course of our time at the conference. Mmm, oranges. If this were The Godfather I'd be dead nine tiems over by now.
-Playing "Annie Likes This" on the bus on the way home. Lenny suggested it, and so many of my really awesome friends played it for like, hours. It was so much fun. Props to my good buddy Lenny for starting us off!
-Not getting carsick, thanks to my accupressure wrist bands!
ITS conference rocks!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zaluzianskya and ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
skylark_photos