breakinglight11: (CT photoshoot 1)
Saturday night I played in Spring River, the newest from Alleged Entertainment, written by [livejournal.com profile] natbudin, [livejournal.com profile] emp42ress, [livejournal.com profile] simplewordsmith, and [livejournal.com profile] v_cat. I always try to play their stuff, at least when I'm not on the writing team myself, as they do some excellent innovative stuff with the form of larp. I was actually invited to be on the team for this one, which I regretfully had to decline due to other commitments, but the upside was I got to play in it.

The premise of the game is that every player is one personality trait within a complete character, so four of you make up one complete person who must battle it out to figure out what decisions your shared person will make. While not on rails, there are few secrets in the game, and you are actively encouraged to temporarily drop out of character to plan what the most dramatic trajectory for your person. By the end your character will have lived a mostly complete life as determined by how the various personality traits determine their choices.

I was cast as Noah's Hedonism, a role that I was not immediately sure how to approach. I didn't want to go creepy or gross, and I didn't want to box myself into something repetitive that wouldn't be applicable in all situations. Like, if I chose to interpret it as fixated on, like, animal appetites, like always wanting to go off and have sex or eat or something, it would get old fast and I wouldn't have much to contribute to actual conversations. So I decided to go with the idea of "I want what I want when I want it," with no ability to suck it up and deal in situations I didn't want to be in. Being obsessed with pleasure, in this case, meant always wanting to do the comfortable, pleasant, easy thing, rather than ever work, struggle, or suffer. I found this to be a workable perspective in the context of the game.

It was clear from the beginning that I was the worst part of Noah-- the weakest, the most immature, the most wrong. I believe I existed, from a game design standpoint, as the force of conflict in Noah's brain, as the others were his Idealism, his Nuturing, and his Competitiveness. I played it like a self-centered teenager, and whiny, loud, and actually pretty funny, advocating for the easy, fun, impulsive choices. This had the effect, I think, of establishing me as both really absurd, and always wrong. I think that made sense, as I knew I was the shoulder devil of the group. All that seemed to work, and I think I did a pretty good job of it. I even think I was the only person to make in-character use of the fact that we were all tied together at the wrist. When they were having a boring conversation I didn't want to be in, I pulled as far away as I could and slumped on the floor so that they couldn't forget my deadweight pulling on them; when I wanted them to go my way, sometimes I tried to pull them over towards me by it. But I have to say, I ended up having probably the strangest moment I've ever had in a larp because of it.

There was a moment where my team seemed inclined to go down a path that I as Hedonism felt was not just a pain, but CATACLYSMIC for our character. We'd become too workaholic, our stress was huge and we weren't really enjoying our life, our family, or anything. Since this was such an extreme moment, I decided that was the point that Hedonism would throw a fit. I mostly had just whined and made demands up to then, so I thought the time had come to escalate. And that's where the strangeness started. They literally ignored me. They didn't just tell me they weren't going to do what I wanted; they started talking to each other and paid no attention to me at all. So I escalated. I actually started yelling things like, "I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF ME." And they STILL ignored me, despite the fact that I had, albeit in a whiny obnoxious fashion, descended into nakedly begging to be addressed. That was the moment that Phoebe was yanked outside of the character of Hedonism for a moment and became really aware of the circumstances. And believe it or not, I experienced my first-ever moment of bleed in a larp.

I'm pretty much ninety-nine percent bleed-proof in larps; I am a technique actor, not method. But, if you know me at all, you probably know that about half of everything I do is influenced by the desire to prove to the universe that I am not lazy or needy-- basically trying to avoid anything that could ever be construed as hedonism. Not that it's exactly the same, but I never want to be the kind of person who imposes on other people for their own comfort. As Hedonism in that moment, I was doing exactly that. It was totally in character for Hedonism, but not only would Phoebe NEVER demand to be taken care of, but she's fairly convinced that it's the fastest way to give people contempt for you. So they'd never actually indulge that. So Phoebe had a weird moment where she saw people ignoring Hedonism's BEGGING for care and it confirmed for her that deep-set fear and belief of, "Wow. Even if you're desperate, you really can't expect help from anyone. They won't be there." And that caused that weird emotional bleed through where Hedonism's situation made Phoebe have a little moment of upset.

Now, it totally made sense for my scene partners to act that way. As I said, my performance taught them to regard Hedonism as both absurd and always wrong. And while it made sense to me that Hedonism wanted to be heard in that moment, I was not feeling like other players were being unfair in any way; I certainly didn't care that I wasn't getting my way. Ultimately, Hedonism pointed out that they NEVER gave in to what Hedonism wanted, and it was about damn time. It led to the other characters realizing that they'd never fed their desire to feel good and have fun and it had boiled over. I think it's notable that while many traits, such as Nuturing/Overbearing in Noah, had both a positive and negative aspect specified to them. Hedonism only had the negative, but it occurs to me that the positive side of it could be considered to be "Self-care." And that part definitely got neglected in Noah! And you know, having that be a crisis point actually gave an interesting turn to our character's story. He NEEDED to struggle through this problem, and that conflict shaped our arc. As [livejournal.com profile] natbudin pointed out, it led to a startlingly diagetic representation of a midlife crisis.

So I really liked this game. While I'm not really in larp for bleed, I prefer to just tell compelling stories, it was interesting that this happened to me. And I loved the acting challenge the strange role offered. So I highly recommend this game, which will be running at Festival this April!
breakinglight11: (Joker Phoebe 2)
What's a swamped graduate student to do when she's hankering to write larps but swore she wouldn't take on a project that would take her focus away from graduating? Join up with an Iron GM team at the last minute and bang out a game in a weekend!

I got a call from [livejournal.com profile] natbudin the weekend before last asking if I wanted to be on their team after they lost somebody at the last minute. I figured, what the heck, I've been meaning to try this at some point, why not help out now? The other members of the team were [livejournal.com profile] v_cat and Andrew Sheingold, neither of whom I've written with before, but I was eager to give it a try.

The process was pretty interesting. We got the secret ingredients at 6pm on Saturday, and immediately started brainstorming. We made some progress with an idea, then Vik made the suggestion that before long we should put that thread on hold and spend some time developing a second idea. Not because there was anything wrong with the first thought, but just to see what we came up with instead. And you know what, we ended up going up with our second one. It was more unique, more cerebral, less like your standard "pop larp," as Nat and Vik called it. I can't describe it yet, as I believe the games are confidential until they run at Intercon, but it is like nothing I would have written on my own.

Our writing went pretty damn well. I struggled a bit with the all-night aspect of it. I'm much more of a morning person. I couldn't deal with less than four and a half hours or so of sleep, which was more than anybody else got. But at least I managed to stay up enough to get my share of the work done. Everybody was really contributing, coming up with good material and good writing, and we had a good working dynamic where we could debate ideas and criticize constructively. I was proud of us. We even handed our final product in over an hour before the final 6pm deadline Sunday night.

This game is a weird game, not only the weirdest I've ever written, but the weirdest Nat has ever written, which is saying something! We decided that Iron GM was a good opportunity to do something really experimental, something with a good chance of being a spectacular failure because of the players not getting it, not getting into it, or it just being too difficult a story to represent in the form of a larp. The fact that Iron GM games have pretty much random players and random casting likely won't help. But I've written seven successful games at this point, most of them fairly safe in the sense that if I wrote them well, they were guaranteed to turn out. I was ready for an artistic risk.

We'll see how it goes. If we're lucky, it'll get scheduled in the earlier slot on Sunday at Intercon and I will be able to be present for the running of it. (Break a Leg is running in the later slot.) I shall be fascinated to see how it goes. We also bid it for Festival, where people will be able to self-select into it and we'll be able to send out casting questionnaires, so I think that will be a slightly more representative run of how it really works. But here's to my very first time as part of risky game concept! We'll see how spectacularly we fail!
breakinglight11: (wraith)
A little while ago I had a conversation with [livejournal.com profile] v_cat that gave me a very useful way to think about my emotional situation. Vik is a psychology grad student on her way to becoming a therapist. Though not her personal approach (which is, if I remember correctly, the really fascinating idea of helping people construct a personal narrative of their identity when they have previously never had or felt they had the agency to determine those definitions for themselves) she told me about the theory that your emotional experiences shape pathways in your brain that affect how your thinking works. If you spend as much time as I did in such a negative, hopeless mindset, your thoughts get stuck on the negative, hopeless pathways that get created as a result. After a while it just becomes how your brain works.

I am certain that's what's been going on with me. I got so deep into the negative ruts that good things couldn't bring me out and even the slightest bad thing pushed me back down. The thing that yanked me out of it was an extended period of being overrun with busy, productive, more positive things that kept me on busy, positive, productive thoughts. And I have been doing better lately. But all the bad pathways are still in my brain. I spend less time on those paths, but when I'm not doing well, I'm still all too easily prone to falling down the holes. So I know the problem still needs fixing. I need to start building good pathways, so that small things don't knock me down so hard. So that I stay hopeful even when things get rough. But I've got a lot of building and fixing to do before I've got that. Still, it's helpful to think of it like that. When I have a paradigm for the problem, it's easier to figure out ways to make it better.
breakinglight11: (Teasing Fool)
So now my silly little self-indulgent fashion experimentation has reached its end. I actually really enjoyed doing it, and I like how it forced me to be more aware of my typical patterns of putting together outfits. It made me be more creative with my colors and try combinations of clothes that I might not have normally. It also brought to my attention how nervous I am to combine different colors, which is something I should experiment with to get better at, and not always rely on neutrals (black, brown, white, khakhi, denim, etc) the way I typically do. I will be glad to not be taking pictures of myself every day, though. My iPhone is not totally up to the task, and it usually takes me eight million shots before I get one I don't hate. (As a side note, I really need to figure out the auto-shoot function on my real camera.) 

Funnily enough, what I felt like wearing today doesn't actually contain any black. But I look forward to being able to wear the color of my dark tormented soul again. ;-) I think I've earned the banner:



So continues my personal odyssey on the road to learning how to dress. And just because I'm thinking about it, just to call out someone I think has nailed this sort of thing, I've always thought [livejournal.com profile] v_cat to be a really stylish person. She is someone with a really distinctive personal style that always makes her look good. I don't know if it's something she works at or something that comes naturally, but I would like to reach the point where I'm regularly noticed for nailing my own great look the way I always notice hers.
breakinglight11: (Puck 4)

Saturday I threw a "meet the new roommate" dinner at Elsinore. We now have our last roommate Miriam, while Bernie just got a new roommate RJ, so we thought we'd invite them to dinner and make nice. We did it potluck, which was easier on the ol' pocketbook, but tougher on my "I want to control every aspect of the menu so it's up to my quality standards" instinct. It came out pretty tasty anyway, with grilled steaks, brussel sprouts, bread, and other good things. And I didn't have to spend the whole day cooking. I also know Jared has been itching to do social things with all the friends he hasn't seen in three months, so I'm glad he had a good time. After dinner we ate cheesecake and watched Clue-- an excellent thing for me, since I can study it for ideas on how to write my next game. The murder mechanic may be assisted by figuring out how it occurred int he film and trying to simulate that somehow. We're still figuring it out.

Sunday I piled Jared, Bernie, and Emma into my car and drove to Lunenburg to attend an excellent board gaming party thrown by Matt and Lise. I really don't get to see them enough, so I was very excited for this get-together. I only played one game but I liked being with people even more. I had a very nice time talking to Vicky, with whom I clearly don't seem to do that enough. And Lise and Matt served delicious beef shish kebobs; I think I must get the recipe. Unfortunately Jared and I couldn't stay for more than a few hours, because he had promised to help out Hold Thy Peace at the Activities Fair.

Again, I am extremely proud of HTP's new e-board. They were right there giving their all for the entire Fair, and they roped in quite a few names on the mailing list as well as the audition sheet for Romeo and Juliet. I signed up, though I haven't decided what piece to audition with. Or what to say on my casting questionnaire-- if anything in particular. It makes me glad to see so many people going out; it increases the chances of getting real talent, and means we won't be so pressed for just the simple number of necessary actors.

So, after all that, I am tired. I think I am going to spend the evening tonight at home recharging. I need some unscheduled time for a little while. Too long without it and I start losing equilibrium

breakinglight11: (tummy)

Went contradancing with [info]morethings5 last night, and got to see [info]captainecchi, [info]electric_d_monk, [info]natbudin, and [info]v_cat. It's something I've been wanting to try for a while, and when Lise mentioned it recently I figured now was a good time. The dancing turned out to be really fun, and not too terribly difficult to pick up. It probably helped that Jonathan very kindly showed me how the steps beforehand, so when the caller called them out, they were a lot easier for me to follow. He was such a good partner. :-) Unfortunately, by the end of the fourth dance I got so dizzy I was slightly motion sick, which worsened with the car ride home, and didn't go away until I finally fell asleep. Blast my so very fragile equilibrium.

Still, it was fun and fantastic exercise. And Nat showed me this really cool iPhone application that helps track calorie intake and burn when you're working out and watching what you eat. I'm thinking it might be worth downloading, at least to get an idea of what sort of numbers attach. I've had weird eating habits in the last week or so, but I have been working out pretty consistently. That reminds me, I need to keep taking weekly pictures to monitor my tummy progress.

You know, for someone who is as fixated on her stomach as I am, I'm sure having a hard time remembering to take a picture once a week. )
breakinglight11: (Bowing Fool)

I'll be honest, I cast Oz mostly by feel; I checked the casting questionnaires mostly to make sure I wouldn't stick someone in a part they'd hate, and then went with my instincts. I think by and large it worked, at least with people I got a chance to talk to afterward. I took particular care with [info]captainecchi, seeing as I screwed up casting her for Alice in the first run and gave her a character she couldn't play. Fortunately, Oz had somebody absolutely perfect for her, and I was very pleased with the way she played it. She had a tough job in game, and came very close to getting it done.

One thing I found and will have to modify for the next run is that there is such a thing as too much gamespace. As with Alice, I had the entire building of Golding, but unlike Alice, fifteen players do not fill space in the same way that twenty-seven do. The place felt strangely empty, and I was worried it meant that people weren't busy enough. It turned out that most people felt they did have enough to do; it was just that they were so spread out that not as much appeared to be going on. That will have to be remedied; I like the feeling of bustle.

The one thing I did find useful about the space was that there was an ampitheater classroom with a projector screen in it. I made this the window of the viewing deck on the Emerald Station and had a series of slides depicting space just outside. I liked it very much and thought it added a lot to things. The game, as was pointed out to me by the lovely [info]v_cat, who was by the way excellent in her role, turned out to be very GM-heavy, which was not my intention, but she's right, that needs to be corrected. The trouble with most things in that vein was that while I did a good job hammering out the plot stuff, I ran out of time when it came to mechanics. The first editing job required will be the fix all the stuff that was in my head but I never managed to get on paper. I'm very grateful to Bernie, not only for helping me GM, but for helping as well as he did when I didn't have time to get him as well up to speed as I should have. Another mechanic that I borrowed from Lise and [info]electric_d_monk-- who was, by the way, exactly what I pictured for his role-- I need to hammer out a little better as well, but I liked it very much in theory and think I can get it where it needs to be. The role that had the most to do with that mechanic was played by [info]in_water_writ, for whom the personality is just amazingly perfect. 

By and large, I am pleased. Some editing I believe is all that is required to smooth out the mechanical issues. Also, there is the matter of all the people who didn't get in and would like the play. I would love to run this again as soon as possible, if there is some time and space before the end of the year.

Next-- Saturday afternoon run of Paranoia

breakinglight11: (Default)
So when I tried my stopgap computer again this morning so I could tell my dad exactly what the error message said, it mysteriously booted up without issue and allowed me to sign in. Huh. Weird. Well, whatever, at least it works. It's what I'm working on right now. I seriously do not get technology. 

This past weekend I actually cooked for the first time in weeks. I made chicken piccata, a new dish for me but easy enough that it was no trouble. Came out well enough that I consider it a success. I am endeavoring to learn the kosher versions of the things I make so I can cook for Jared. So many things use butter just incidentally that I have to make small modifications to most of the stuff I know.

Went to [personal profile] natbudinand [personal profile] v_cat's lovely new place today with [profile] zapfto observe a meeting of the Intercon con com, mostly of curiosity to see what goes on at those and also to hang out with the cool people who were going to be there. They made excellent barbecue and I am now thoroughly stuffed with it.  I also hoped that being around people discussing larp and larp-related activities would inspire me to work on mine. Accordingly, I did some writing for a character sheet for one of my favorite characters in Men of Respect. She's going to be a very fun part. Unfortunately this game, while going to boast a substantial amount of player characters, is going to have an even more egregious gender imbalance than Alice had, with likely no more than eight out of forty female parts. Given that it's about gangsters in the 40s, lots of men is regrettably unavoidable. In light of this, we're trying to make the female parts especially interesting so they have a reason to be in the game. Sorry, ladies, but again you're more than likely to be cross-cast.
breakinglight11: (Default)
Well, I am delighted to report that the first run of Alice went fabulously. All my fears that it would be boring or confusing or difficult or with some huge hidden game break I couldn't find turned out to be for nothing. It seemed like everyone had a really good time, and I know I was on top of the world. Bernie couldn't have been better help to me, and it ran incredibly smoothly; Vicky was wonderful enough to help us out, but we probably could have run it with just the two of us. And best of all, people got incredibly into their characters. I was so happy to hear the enthusiasm of people like Mac for the Mad Hatter and Jared for the White Rabbit, and Matt was as great a Charlie as I could have hoped for. Also, Matt LeVan was a perfect Cheshire Cat, nobody but Brad could have been the Jabberwock, and Jenn was an amazing Queen of Hearts. And even some of the toughest characters came out great, like Zack's portrayal of the Dormouse. Even now, a week later, people are still talking about it. It needs some editing, which I shall be doing with everyone's opinions in mind over the next few weeks. Also, I have just bid my game for Intercon H, and I am eagerly awaiting the response.

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