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This hasn’t been a great month on the health front for me. While I have been generally blessed through my life without any serious physical ailments, the specter of aging creeps upon me and begins crumbling this mortal body to dust. In the past month, I’ve had all my chronic issues of their varying severities hitting me one after the other, with a migraine, depression-related weirdness, and recurrent severe heartburn. All that, on top of a persistent cold that I couldn’t seem to kick. It’s really slowed me down and made me lose a ton of time.

The heartburn has been especially vexing, getting steadily more frequent with no obvious cause. I have a fairly healthy regular diet, but I would periodically eliminate the possible culprits— dairy, tomatoes, caffeine, carbonation, even lying down too soon after eating —and it never seemed to make a difference to whether I got it or not. I never did notice any pattern in it— except, possibly, that it seemed to overwhelmingly trigger later in the day. I got put on various anti-reflux medicines, which would work for a short time then quit. I was living on Pepto-Bismol, and it’s now at the point where that doesn’t even really work anymore.

I was referred to a gastroenterologist who has me scheduled for an endoscopy— wheeeeeee, gut snake —but it’s not for a while yet. In the meantime, I had to do something, as the symptoms had become increasingly frequent and intolerable. So I’m currently trying the only thing I could think of— not letting myself eat anything after 4pm. Since the only constant I noticed was I very, very rarely experienced symptoms early in the day, it seemed like it was worth a shot to just not give ANYTHING the chance to trigger it. And it is with mixed feelings that I must report that it worked.

I’ve been doing it for a week now, and I haven’t had any flare-ups since. It hasn’t been easy— it basically means I can’t eat dinner, which super sucks, and given my schedule, it’s hard to make sure I eat enough for the day before the cutoff time. I’m starting to get used to it, but it’s really not easy for me. Even with all the various issues I’ve had with food over the years, I’ve never been able to just make myself not eat when I was very hungry. I’ve had a few days where come evening my big guts were eating my little guts, and it took all the willpower I had. But the heartburn has been frequent enough that I’m starting to worry about ruining my esophagus, and this has been the only thing to consistently work.

I’m really hoping that the endoscopy will pinpoint the real problem. A silent ulcer, maybe, or a hiatal hernia. Something that can be decisively fixed once it’s identified. I really don’t want to spend forever not being able to consistently share an evening meal with people. That would seriously bum me out. But in the meantime, this is the best I’ve got.
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I really like things that smell nice, and wearing nice scents. I particularly love nice lotions, and find them my preferred way to put on fragrance. I have a hard time gauging how much perfume to use— I find the line between my skin eating it and it being way too much is easy to cross. My mother thought using body spray was the gateway drug to not showering and I can’t touch the stuff without hearing her disapproval. So while I’ve got those too, I end up using lotion more than anything else. I have a hard time resisting buying the stuff whenever the opportunity presents, and I sometimes think my ideal state of being would be just living in a big sack or tub of it all the time.

But then the perfume, which doesn’t last forever, goes bad because I don’t use it. So I had an idea to buy a bunch of unscented lotion— I personally like the stuff from the Hairy Farmpit Girls, a charming queer-owned small business who writes hilarious anecdotes of life on their farm. Every time I use it, I’m going to combine it with one of my little “imp’s ears”, which is what Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs calls their little sample vials of scent. They’re kind of an alt, gothy perfume company I’ve been a fan of since friends introduced me to it in college, and they sell little samples that I have quite a collection of at this point.

Some of them I didn’t end up liking, and some I didn’t use up fast enough before the scent changed with age. But of the ones I do like and want to wear, I thought mixing them into the plain lotion would be a practical way to actually make use of them. It’ll be like having a different kind of lotion every day, without having a million bottles cluttering up my life. (Reminder to self not to buy a million more kinds of lotion.) It’s always pleasant to be around a person who smells nice, so I like the idea of that being me.
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Not feeling great about my appearance lately. Specifically my skin and hair, but generally haven’t thought I looked great.

Last month I broke out pretty seriously, for the first time since I think the pandemic began. My Curology prescription, which had been doing pretty well by me, seemed to have abruptly stopped working, and my chin has been a spotty pink mess for weeks now. I made an appointment with an actual dermatologist who recommended an expensive prescription-only preparation which doesn’t seem to have made a dent in it, but since going away to see Bernie my use of it hasn’t been that consistent. I probably need to make sure I’m using it every night for a solid period of time before I’m sure it won’t do the job. But in the meantime, the spots are pretty bad, and right over my chin area where my skin is most showing its age. :-/ I’ve been trying not to fixate on it, but a year of Zoom calls has made me very aware of how my face is starting to change.

Sigh. Acne and sagging skin? Why do I have the worst of youth and age at the same time?

And I hate my hair. I’ve been growing it out from my short cut of the last several years, but I really don’t like the weird in-between stage it’s been in for months. I don’t know how to style it so it doesn’t look awkward, like I’m a little mushroom person. I think a lot about shaving it back down into a quiff, tall in the center and razored on the sides. I actually think I made it work, and I enjoyed having the aspect of a fierce bird. But as I’m aging, I think I might be getting too old for such a severe look. God knows I can’t function if boys don’t think I’m pretty, so I think I need to grow it out long again into something more femme. I have kind of missed having girlier hair. But I can’t get there without going through this awkward growing-out period. And if I shave it down again out of frustration, it’ll take even longer to get it long again. So I guess I’m stuck being patient and weird-looking a while more.

At least I’ve been in pretty good shape lately. Took a few pictures lately where that’s visibly on point, which makes me feel a bit better about things. I worked out really seriously during lockdown, probably the toughest workouts of my life, so I’ve got that going for me at least. However I basically did nothing over the two and a half weeks Bernie visited, so I feel so week and squishy right now. I need to get back in my good habit so dragging myself through the workout isn’t so painful. It took me a long time to build up the strength, and I really don’t want to lose it. Not to mention the slammin’ body it gave me.



Photoshop takes care of the pimples. If only my hair weren’t so mushroomy.
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As you may have seen in various pictures on Facebook, I have cut my hair.

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I've had long hair my whole life, and generally have had a preference for it, for myself, and for the majority of women whose appearance appealed to me. I went from hip-length with bangs that ate my whole head in my childhood to growing out the bangs to cutting it to shoulder blade-length in the beginning of college. For years I'd relied on long layers that I never got refreshed often enough. The failed attempt to turn it blonde two years ago and the much more successful dyeing it to pink last year were the only major changes I ever made to it as an adult.

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I don't know what possessed me to hack it off. Probably mostly just craving a change, but also because I just wanted to look a little bit "cooler" somehow— whatever the hell that even means. I'm a vain enough person that I get really upset if I don't think I look good according to my own particular aesthetic. If I ended up appreciably less pretty, I would be pretty grouchy until it grew back out to something I found flattering.

But my whole adult life, I've been wishing for, and trying to do everything to make, my appearance to be less "soft." I like my weight low to keep my figure lean and hard; I don't want curves, I want lines and angles, flat planes, defined bones. When I think of the things I'd fix about my face, it's always wishing for my features to be "sharper" and "tighter"— a more angular face shape, a more pointed nose, for the line of my jaw to be harder (with less of a hint of age-related jowliness in my future). I wanted to try and see if "harder-edged" hairstyle might help take away some of that "softness" I see.

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I didn't like it when I first walked out of the salon. But learning how to try to style it has made me come around, especially because I have a lot of options to try. It has been kind of fun learning to do it. I was never really able to execute anything with my long hair and tended to default to down, in a ponytail, or in mashed into a messy bun. I’m finding the short hair responds to products a little more easily and am trying different things. I like it best, I think, when it stands up like a bird crest. It makes me look more ferocious, which is kind of the effect I’m hoping for.

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Though I do wonder if men will find me less attractive. I mean, not that I want to make strangers come up and talk to me or anything, but I like it when people who look at me across a room think I'm pretty. I wish I didn't care about that, but I do. I’m not actively pursuing modeling right now, but I bet I’d get less work. I so miss the way the long hair framed my face, which probably ultimately was prettier. Of course, I spend so much goddamn time staring at my face it doesn't look like a face anymore. Sort of like when you say a word over and over again, it starts sounding weird and loses all meaning.

I will probably not keep it this way forever. But it’s fun to play around with for now. I’m particularly hoping that as I get better at styling it, I will get happier with it.
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I decided to take a week off from working out to try and let my body rest and recover. I've been sore for a weirdly long time, specifically in the joints, in my wrists, ankles, and knees. It's started to make me nervous, like I'm really wrecking my body. I work out pretty hard, and I've heard so many stories of, like, runners who wear out their knees from the impact. I mean, I've only been running outside for like two years now, two miles three times a week, so you'd think it hasn't been long enough to have already have destroyed my joints, so maybe I'm being ridiculous. I'm so spoiled, probably. I'm so used to a pain-free body that any pain at all makes me think I must be cataclysmically breaking down.

But just to give them a chance to heal, I'm taking the week off. Of course I'm nervous about ever letting up, but maybe I should just go back to the serious diet for that seven days just to make sure. It'd be nice to reset my system, though I've been so lax lately that it'd probably be a real struggle-- the old exquisite machine has been crying out for sugar lately. But I don't want to mess up the good thing I've got going lately.

I think I should probably do something chill, though. Maybe a stretching routine. I've also been weirdly tight in the Achilles tendons, and of course my knees are always stiff as boards unless I'm actively, aggressively working on them. Maybe that would help with the joint pain too. I'm not a big fan of yoga, due to said tight knees, but stretching would help.

*Sigh* It makes me miss ballet. I haven't been to classes in like a year, because it always seems to coincide with Hawking rehearsals. But I really liked doing it, and it helped improve that flexibility. Maybe I should check the schedule-- and the budget --and see if it might be possible to go back.
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For the past several weeks, I've done basically nothing except work and watch RuPaul's Drag Race. It comes from not leaving the house much except for job stuff and not having the energy for much beyond TV. So I've watched the seasons available through Amazon Prime of Drag Race and quite enjoyed them.

Drag has always been kind of fascinating to me. While I'm not particularly up on queer culture in any way, this part of it appeals to me because I like how it plays with the arbitrary nature of gender markers. Yeah, X, Y, and Z are traditionally considered indicators of femaleness, but look, a man can put them on just as easily! And vice versa. That kind of detachment from gender norms makes me smile. Drag is of course not the same as actual gender fluidity, but I like the idea of temporarily tossing your gender to the wind and being a different one for a while.

As I’ve mentioned, while my sexuality is about as firmly straight as you can get, my gender has always felt sort of incidental. Sure, I am definitely a woman and I’m comfortable with that, but it’s purely descriptive. If I’d been identified as a boy by society, I don’t think I’d be any more or less comfortable. So, while my straightness feels pretty intrinsic to the person that I am, my femaleness isn't. I often wonder what I'd be like if I were a boy, though I have no actual desire to be one. But I have always wanted to drag myself out and see how "masculine" I could make myself look. I think that would be a lot of fun to play that role for a little while. The technical aspects of drag, makeup, costuming, and other sorts of design, are up my alley, especially because they present a perennially interesting concept to me-- we have a problem (we need to make a male-identified person conform to feminine markers), how do we use technical skills to solve it?

I also think it’s interesting that the artifice of it is so clearly on display. In other aspects of culture related to appearance, I think there’s a lot of tendency to mask all the work and the seams involved. Oh, this model looks this glamorous all the time. She’s this thin naturally. This makeup isn’t hard to do. When in reality such images are the result of carefully composed, edited, stage-managed presentation. Even as I’m aware of that, in my own pursuit of beauty I’ve always gone for that ideal of “naturalness,” by which I mean that I look this good without accoutrement— so I would literally wake up like this. But making that possible actually means an enormous amount of work, including diet, exercise, skin-treating, and shaving. This is my real actual body, but it is certainly not like this left to its own devices. But in drag, I find it neat how the artifice is so embraced, so much part of the game. It's an interesting comment on what gender markers even are, if the strongest ones are those that any person, regardless of how they identify, could put on.
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I tend to miss Bernie in waves. I usually go long periods were the physical separation doesn't really bother me, as we talk constantly and our bond still feels strong even though we're not living in the same place right now. But when the waves of being lonely for him do hit, it tends to be because I notice something that just isn't the same without him around

One of the nicest small things Bernie would do for me is rub my back when I got stressed out or sore. I don't think I realized what a difference that made until he wasn't around anymore. It was great both for making my body relax when my mind wasn't so inclined, but I also think it kept me in physically better shape. I think I recovered from exercise-related soreness faster, and it combated the results of some of my unfortunate physical tendencies, such as how I slouch down into my chair and end up sitting on my tailbone. The exquisite machine feels so knotted up lately that it's been a real pain.

That's something you can get done professionally, but it's expensive. Probably worth shelling out for every now and then anyway, but sure was nice having somebody who did it on a regular basis for free.
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I've noticed my throat has started to ever-so-slightly tighten up when I exercise lately. Not when I run, interestingly. These days I run outside, and while I've always been sensitive to breathing in cold air, I'm fit and accustomed enough that it hasn't been a problem recently. It's only happened when I do my fighter abs routine, which I do indoors in a temperature-controlled environment. It hasn't been much, but in the breaths between, when I transition from one exercise to the next, I've noticed a cold, constricted sensation in my airway. It goes away quickly with a few deep breaths and hasn't really been holding me back in any way, but it's new and a bit worrying. I've always been concerned by my proneness to side stickers, but that's gone away as I've gotten stronger, and this seems to be almost like exercise-induced asthma. Why would that be appearing now, that I'm at the strongest I've been in my life?

I always worry I'm not breathing properly. I have tendency to hold my breath when I'm concentrating, and when putting the effort into finishing a difficult workout I often don't breathe enough. Maybe that's it. I should put some extra attention into regulating that pattern. I've gotten good at doing that when I run, as it distracts me from the sometimes-unpleasant sensation of exertion, but not so much during fighter abs. It definitely couldn't hurt, even if no real problem is developing.
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In my hero's boast, I laid out everything that I have to do from now until the end of the year.

One of those things was that I wanted to stay on both the smoothie diet and the fighter abs exercise program for twelve weeks. Just around Christmas, I completed that goal. I am super happy, because I look and feel great.



REGARD THE EXQUISITE MACHINE. I love how my body looks, especially my abs. I'm fitter, leaner, and more toned than I've ever been in my life. I'm happy enough that I'm planning on staying with lifestyle as long as possible. Taking breaks for special occasions will happen, but living this way has made me feel healthy, strong, and beautiful, so I want to stick with it.

WITNESS ME.
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Cut for diet, exercise, and body talk. )
I also added in a calcium pill and a joint supplement. My doctor recommended the calcium, as all women under thirty-five should be working to build up their bone density before it starts deteriorating, and I thought the joint pill might be a good idea since I've been running so much. I haven't experienced any knee pain, but I have noticed they've started clicking when I do squats and things that involve deep bends. That's not much, but it makes me nervous, as I know runners often suffer knee problems later in life. So maybe the supplements will help stave things off a little.

My skin's kind of a mess, though. I've been so busy I haven't been as consistent scrubbing my face with my automatic face brush lately, and I've broken out a little. It's funny because they don't recommend using a brush like this every day, but apparently my skin produces SO MUCH YUCK it defies conventional wisdom. Sigh. If I get back in good habits it should probably get better again, but I'm only going to get busier from here, so I'm sorry it takes so much dedication to work.
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It's officially been twelve weeks of my current diet-exercise-skincare plan. I've been very happy with the results, as my skin and abs look the best they ever have in my life.

My face routine is pretty much exactly what I want it to be. I love my electric face brush, which I use to wash my face every night before I go to bed. I've read that you're not supposed to use them every day, but I have been because I think it's working for me. That combined with my moisturizer has kept my skin clearer, brighter, and dewier than it's been since I was a kid. So I'm sticking with that for the foreseeable future.

My diet and exercise, however, I think I'm going to change up. While my current plan served me well up to this point, I'm pretty sure I've plateaued. So I'm going to try something new and see what difference that makes. On September 1st, I'm going to switch to this diet where you eat high-protein smoothies two meals a day and eat a large, no-carb, no-sugar meal for dinner, with one cheat meal a week. My dad has been doing it for a while now and he lost a lot of weight. According to my dad, you don't even have to exercise on that plan for it to happen. Of course, he's a sixty-three-year-old man and I'm a twenty-eight-year-old woman, so God knows how different our workings are, and also my goals are only to lose the layer hiding my abdominal muscles.

So what I think I'm going to do is kind of chill out with the eating restrictions for the next couple of days. Hopefully that won't mess up my system too much, or make the transition any harder. Then on September 1st, I'm going to eat the mostly-smoothie diet for a week, without working out. That might make it easier for my body to adjust. Then I'm going to start working out again while on that diet, with a new regime that is how martial artists get abs. Three months is probably the right amount of time to see if it works. I wonder if it will be miserable, but I'm going to give it a shot and see if it works.
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Today is the last day of the semester, which means I am about to start a two-week break before things kick in again. All of my jobs are currently for colleges, so I'll have no work commitments until things get intense for me again when the new semester starts. It's a bit expensive for me not to work during that time, but I will enjoy the time off.

It's almost the end of the summer as I defined it when I made my plan for the months of June through August. I'm in very good shape as far as the goals I set and the things I wanted to accomplish.

I finished the first draft of Base Instruments, and had a very enjoyable and productive reading dinner for it. The first draft turned out better than I thought it would, and it was so much fun hearing friends read it aloud. They made some great, helpful suggestions-- these reading dinners are the best --that will be great for the direction of the next edit. I am currently taking a week or so away from it before I dig in, though, so I can look at it with fresh eyes. Part of the job will involve cutting it down-- it turned out much longer than I wanted --so I think I can't be this close to it when deciding what I can afford to lose.

I just finished my syllabus for my class at Lesley. That proved much more difficult to make than I thought it would, mostly because of the constraints I set down for myself. I needed things with culturally significant protagonists, that my students could get for free online, that weren't all white dudes. I did the best I could with that, and I think I will enjoy teaching the pieces I chose. The only thing I'm not sure about is if I gave them the correct amount of work-- neither too little nor too much. I guess we'll see, and I can always adjust if things aren't working.

My diet and exercise plan I've managed to stick to for almost twelve weeks now. I'm pleased with the results, though I'm pretty sure I've plateaued. I have definitely got better abs now than I ever have in my life, but they're still not where I want them to be. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. But I may investigate into what I can do to jumpstart things again. In any case, I'm happy enough with the progress that I think this is how I'm going to be eating from now on.

Now to make a plan for the two weeks. I'm sure there's a way to make the most of the time, so I've got some thinking to do.
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I don't know I ever articulated these, but as we're about at the halfway point of the summer, I thought I'd look over my current set of goals for the season and see how I'm doing on them.

1. Draft a complete version 1 of Base Instruments

This is going really well! After making a mostly complete, and very thorough, outline, I have plunged into the actual writing, and I've gotten at least one piece of a scene drafted every day since I started. I'd estimate the draft is around fifty percent complete. It's not very good yet-- I'm shooting for completion, with plans to polish it later --but it's coming into existence where it wasn't before! I want to have at least a rough version 1 finished by the end of the summer.

2. Maximize ab development

My diet and exercise plan is turning out great. I'm trying to get my abs as defined as they possibly can be, and I've made the best progress of my life. I'm stronger than I've ever been too-- I pushed myself all-out on my run yesterday, and I actually ran a mile in 5:45! Fastest time for me ever! I look great, I feel great, and I do great. I'm also finally at the point where I think my body has adjusted to eating like this, so I'm not even constantly hungry anymore.

3. Do 31 Plays in 31 Days 2015

I have been really happy doing this in the past, so I think I'd like to participate again this August. I may change the terms for myself, however. Not exactly sure how, but I think I'd like to tailor it to a specific project I'm working on rather than just generating material for material's sake. Maybe that will be working on Base Instruments, if it's not finished by then, maybe it'll be for something else. But I like the productivity the structure has given me in the past.

4. Get together my bid for Mrs. Hawking and Vivat Regina at Arisia 2016

I have some informal approval already, but I'd like to get things official set down, so I know what to plan for. I'm both excited and daunted at the prospect of putting together SERIAL THEATER, WHICH IS BASICALLY UNHEARD OF, but I think that newness and daring will make it more exciting. So I'd like to get my proposal together and sent out before the end of the summer. Best to settle things as early as possible, to maximize preparation time!
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I’ve been investing a lot of effort lately into working up the old mortal shell through which God would have me experience His creation. I am probably a little too wrapped up in my own vanity, but I also care about keeping myself healthy and in shape. It makes me feel really good to look pretty and feel strong, so though it adds a fair number of extra responsibilities to my list, for me it acts as a form of self-care.

Content warning for body and diet talk to follow. )
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I have been getting a lot of things done lately. I've been working dilligently away on Base Instruments, and it's coming along. I wrote another pitch, this time for my other screenplay, The Tailor at Loring's End. Sunday alone I cleaned everything in my house except for mopping the kitchen floor (my least favorite chore, for some reason, so I avoid it), did all the laundry, washed and put away all the dishes. Made myself some chicken with sauteed apples and onions to eat this week.

My workout plan goes well. I think my body is in the best shape it's ever been. This system of working out six days a week, alternating ab routine with cardio, plus a low-carb, no-processed sugar diet with one cheat day a week is suiting me. It's not easy, but I feel strong and healthy-- and my abs are more visible than they've ever been. I'm in the middle of week three, and I'm hoping to make it at least a month so I can see where I am then.

But I think I need to get out of the house a bit more, or at least invite people over. I never mind being alone, but I do experience the sensation of missing friends. I feel like I haven't had much social interaction in some time. I'm handling Bernie's absense-- which has just hit the ten-month mark --pretty well, but I get into waves where I feel it more keenly than usual. I should make a point to make plans with people to keep it in check. The only remedy for missing people is to reach out and arrange to see them.
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At the end of my first week of my new exercise plan, my body is shockingly sore. I'm really surprised to be in this much pain. I didn't think the new stuff would be that much different than my previous regime. But my thighs and my back, of all things, are killing me. My new routine is mostly ab-focused, and while my abs feels fine, it's common for when the abs wear out in the course of a workout the back muscles engage to compensate. 😝

Otherwise I mostly feel healthy and good. It hasn't been hard to hold to the new diet, as I like eating mostly meat and vegetables, especially with the one cheat meal built in. But my muscles really hurt. I don't think it's any injury, just being ripped up from the effort, but it's been a while since exercise-induced muscle soreness bothered me this much. I actually ate some Advil today, which I usually don't use for anything except migraines and cramps. It used to help a lot to get massages, but without Bernie, it's tough to arrange without paying for it.

I think I am reluctantly going to make today the rest day for week two. I hate starting off the new week with one, as that means it's gone already, but I think I need it. One the positive side, if I'm feeling it this much, probably means it's working.
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This is the last week of ballet classes for the summer, which means I'm going to need to rethink my workout habits from now until September. I've also been feeling weirdly uncomfortable with my figure lately, and doing things that make me feel healthy, strong, and like my weight is under under control make me feel better about that stuff.

As anyone who's known me for more than five minutes knows, I've always wanted washboard abs. I've never quite been able to achieve them, but I've never actually stuck with a program long enough to see if it would really work. I have to be careful with this stuff, to make sure I don't do anything unhealthy, but since I need to rework my exercise plan anyway, I want to give it a serious shot. I've got a system I'd like to give a try, which involves an eating plan as well. It's a lot of work and willpower-- I'm better at doing the exercises than I am at following dietary directives. Not that I don't eat pretty carefully anyway, but with my love of Coke and chai lattes, I've always had way too much sugar.

But I just love abs so much, and I've never really had them. I'm old enough that if I don't get serious soon, I'll never know what it's like to have them. Yeah, I may just not have the genetics for it. I know people who work out less and eat less carefully than I do who already have them. But if the only thing that's standing between me and the belly of my dreams is sticking to a diet and exercise plan for a month, I would kick myself if I never actually did it once in my life.
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Body positivity is a weird thing with me. I tend to have a pretty good self-image, and through rigorous mental retraining I'm learning not to apply my crazy ideas to anyone else's body, but I have a hard time letting go of them when it comes to my own. Sometimes my crazy comes out in weird ways.

A few years back, during a period where peak depression intersected badly with a much more sedentary schedule, and I gained a small but noticeable amount of weight. It wasn't obvious to most people, but it made it so my clothes didn't fit. I had an incident where I popped a button off of a pair of jeans due to being too big for them that really left me upset. I should have just thrown them away, but I stuffed those jeans in a draw in a rage and tried to forget they existed.

I slimmed back down relatively soon after that, and all of my old clothes fit again, including those jeans. It's very satisfying to me that I can now fit my hand inside the waistband where once I wasn't even able to close them. I put a new button on them, but because the old one tore up the placket so much, it's probably not going to stay attached much longer. So they're kind of a pain to wear. But I keep them, I keep wearing them, instead of throwing them away. Because to get rid of them would be to admit they DEFEATED ME. And my crazy WON'T ALLOW THAT.

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