All Eyes on Me

This past week, Bernie accepted a job with the patent office in Alexandria, VA. It's a pretty good position, with a good salary and great benefits, as well as a lot of flexibility and room for advancement. It'll be so great for him to really get his life going, which job searching has kind of put on hold since he graduated. It's not exactly what he wants to do long term, but it's a good move for now and I'm really proud of him.

But while it's definitely a good thing, I'm still a little sad because it means that Bernie and I are going to be separated for at least another year. I was started to get hopeful that he might be able to move back into the area by the point my lease was up and we'd be able to get a place together.

It's not the end of the world. Our relationship has been uniformly strong through all the last few years apart and I'm not worried about that part. As we also discussed, if something else he applied for (he's more interested in lab work or something a little more directly doing science) happens to get back to him with a perfect offer in New England, there wouldn't be much barrier to him taking it. And a year isn't that bad, especially if he's starting to make money, build his resume, and start really putting together his own life.

So this is definitely good news and a step in the right direction. It's just not perfect news, but then again, that's life. I'm grateful for the improvement.

I plowed through an epic amount of work today. It was pretty grueling, but at least I can go into this weekend without stressing out about getting things done. I'm experimenting this semester with setting designated "work times" that I will always stick to. I utilize scheduling a fair bit, but I tend to schedule things whenever is convenient rather than sticking to "hours on" and "hours off." I'm trying it for a while to see if it helps me focus and not feeling like I constantly should be doing more work.

I am still pretty depressed, but I'm trying to push on through it. Today I went back to eating paleo and am fighting to not lapse back into being a sugar vacuum. I think I will at least physically feel a little better. As I've mentioned, the biggest issue is I'm not INTERESTED in anything I could be doing. I don't feel excited or get any pleasure from stuff I theoretically should want to pursue. I guess that's classic depression. But I don't know what to do about it, and it's become a real problem as I end up not working on anything because nothing seems worth it.

I've had a bee in my bonnet for ages now about doing little audio or video recordings of my thoughts. Maybe like journal entries, or maybe something more codified. I've been listening to podcasts a bit more lately and I guess it's given me the bug. I know every asshole thinks they can do a podcast, and I don't know if I any of the unique things I have to say would be at all interesting for people to listen to. So I keep stopping myself because it doesn't seem worth it. But the idea's been nagging at me, and it would be better than wasting my time not working on anything, so maybe I should just do it and not care if it's any good or if anybody cares about it.

I got offered an interview this morning for teaching a writing class at Bentley University. That's awesome! Except... I don't know if I could accept it if offered. UGH.

When I was concerned that my third class at Lesley might get cancelled due to low enrollment, I started applying to other universities to see if I could get another class elsewhere as a backup. It turned out that the class isn't going to be cancelled after all, so my schedule was safe. However, I'd sent out a handful of applications by that point, and today I heard back from Bentley asking if I could come in for an interview.

This is of course a good thing! I'm glad my resume and cover letter were strong enough to get invited in. Bentley is a four-year college that's literally like ten minutes from my house, so getting a relationship there would be awesome. But when I was planning my schedule for the fall, it was taking into account how I'll be directing Vivat Regina and the inaugural production of Base Instruments for Arisia this year. Directing two plays, even if one of them is a reprise, is a lot of work. I was pretty burnt out last year by just that plus two classes and tutoring. I wouldn't have to tutor with a fourth class-- tutoring is easier, but a class is more money --but the real kicker is the grading.

Lesson planning and actual in-class time are certainly work, but for me at least, the most seriously labor-intensive is the grading. Literally the worst part of being an English teacher is reading and responding to all those papers in an actually constructive manner. Taking on an additional class would likely mean an extra fifteen to twenty students' worth of grading for the semester. Maybe I could manage to do it, but I imagine it would be a pretty miserable workload. Do I really want that level of stress?

I consulted the archives of Ask a Manager, a great advice website from a woman who is a consultant in management, professional practices, and job searching. She's a great source on the best practices of modern professional life. She is of the opinion that one should not accept an interview one knows one will turn down. Her reasoning is that you risk the hiring manager feeling that you've wasted their time, which could alienate them from ever calling you back in should you ever apply there again, and stealing an interview slot from someone who actually does really want the job. The former I definitely don't want to do, as I could see myself in a situation in the future where it would be great to be teaching there, and the latter I know how painful it can be when folks don't call you back.

So I guess my only two options are either politely decline the interview for scheduling reasons, or accept the interview with the intention of taking the job if offered. I'll have to think which one is going to be right for me.

Getting a little concerned about my third class at Lesley actually running. I'm basically good to go with my other two classes, Freshman Composition and Essentials of English, one of which I've taught before and the other which is a more basic approach to developing writing. But at the moment the third class, Business Writing, only has six students signed up for it, which I believe is beneath the minimum to be safe from cancellation. I'm not sure what to think about that. Business Writing is the class I know I will find most personally challenging. I'm less familiar with it than other writing forms, plus I've never had to design a syllabus for it before, so that promises to be more difficult. And it's a four-hour Friday night class, which are kind of grueling to teach.

So on one hand, if I didn't have to teach it, it would be sparing myself from a demanding, somewhat unpleasant work experience. But if I lost it, it would mean I only had two classes, and I was really hoping to have three this time around. It would be a good step forward in my career, more money, and establish me further at Lesley. I was really hoping to not have to tutor so much next semester, if only because it's a lot less driving. Plus, if the class is going to be cancelled, I kind of don't want to go to all the work and trouble of writing a syllabus I'm not going to use. Because that will take a lot of time and effort at a time when I'm trying to get so much writing done.

It might fill, in which case all this will be moot. But it's been almost a month of holding steady at only six students, which is worrisome. So just in case, I've started applying at other schools in the area. It would be really nice if this class falls through to be able to replace it with another one at a local university. I historically am not very good at getting my resume and cover letters noticed, but I've been reading the advice on Ask a Manager about how to improve them and rewrote mine to focus on accomplishments and what I specially bring to the work. Hopefully they are stronger now! Last year around this time was when I managed to get hired at Lesley, and there were a couple of places interested in me almost immediately just because I was then able to put that I was teaching at Lesley on my resume. Some of that may have been timing; classes get added and subtracted on short notice, so the fact that it was August-ish may have meant that I got mine resume in when they needed somebody for a sudden change. But I have more experience now, and hopefully an improved resume and cover letter, so I'd hope that my chances were better.

Again, this might not matter at all. The Business Writing class may go off as planned. But I'd like to have a backup in case it falls through.

This past weekend I bought a couple special cables for my iPad. The first was a lighting to HDMI adapter and the second was a regular HDMI cord. With this, I can plug my tablet into any screen with an HDMI input and have it display what’s on my device. I tested it on the television in my living room and was pleased to find it just worked the way I hoped it would without any fussing.

I got it for a couple of reasons. The first is because my tablet is my primary media devise of any kind. I don’t use cable TV anymore, so if I ever watch anything, it’s through some file or service on my iPad. If I ever want to play a movie or TV episode for other people, it’s way better to be able to put it up on a screen rather than huddle around my tablet. HDMI specifically enables the use of applications like Netflix, so that’s the hardware format I chose.

The second reason, which is arguably the more important one, is I’m hoping it will enable my classroom teaching a bit better. I’m only teaching at Lesley this coming semester, and they don’t have in-room computers attached to the projectors. I find typing notes which the projector then shows on the screen to be the clearest and most efficient way to display them to the class. You can’t do that without the proper cables when relying on an iPad. Previously if I ever needed to do this, I would have to go through the hassle of borrowing them from the university IT department. So, even though it was kind of expensive, I decided to just buy my own and have them whenever I need them.

I am a little concerned that not every room has HDMI compatibility. The classrooms I am assigned may not. It may be possible for me to book a different room sometimes, but that has to be done in advance and may not always work out. But I’m hoping this makes it at least a little easier for me, especially for showing clips or episodes.

I woke up with a cold today, the first I've had in like five years. It's not all that bad, but I dislike anything that reminds me that I'm not actually invincible. If I'm not invincible, it means there are some things I can't do, which I don't like to think about. Moreover, it's sapping my energy, and I've got more on my plate than I hoped I would right now.

I finished my writing project I needed for a submission opportunity, thanks to some awesome friends giving me feedback. Thank you, brilliant people! But now I need to finish editing my article for Game Wrap, and it's pretty demanding with jumping into new classes now. Not a good time to feel even less focused than usual.

I am close to having a break, though, or at least as much as I can with my normal work schedule. Next week I won't have the pressure of any due dates on me. I will use it to take a breather, but also to figure out what my next direction is. Which writing project to do next, what I want to have on my schedule, get into good life habits again. I want my exercise routine to go back to near-perfect, and my skin is a volcanic wasteland. I'm usually relentlessly healthy because of my routines, so if I'm compromised enough to finally get a cold, I probably need to take care of myself.

Well, it seems that one of the classes I'm going to be teaching this semester was cancelled due to low enrollment. There was always a risk of this happening, as I'd heard enrollment at North Shore was down overall, but I just got confirmation of one being full and one being cancelled.

I've got mixed feelings. On one hand, I don't think it's good for me to have fewer classes when I'm trying to establish a resume as a college professor. It won't look as good when I apply places in the fall with fewer under my belt. Also, I'll be making a fair bit less money without it. I will have more hours to tutor, but it's won't work out to as much. But on the other hand... I feel so tired after everything of the last few months, that I'm having a hard time working up much disappointment. Each class is a lot of work, and the idea of having not quite so much of it feels something like a relief, even though it's not good for me in the longer term. I would have had to write both syllabi this week, which is Mrs. Hawking tech week, and the idea of having to do two of those at once while finishing up the shows is exhausting. One is tough enough, but more manageable than two.

Aw, well. My resume and bank account won't be as good for it. But maybe I need a little bit of a break.

The classes I taught this semester are now officially over. I have to run the final exam for Lesley and do a mountain of grading, but other than that, I don't have to prepare any more lessons or show up at any more appointed times. That's a real relief, as I could use a freer schedule for a while. I still have plenty to do, but any break in the pressure will be very much appreciated.

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like I'm going to be teaching at Lesley next semester like I'd hoped. I did a good job with my class this time around, but they don't have freshman composition in the spring semester. I'm pretty disappointed that I won't be able to take on more classes there like I'd hoped-- at least, not until next fall. I have been invited to get back into contact with them in April, so I will most likely be able to return to teaching there eventually, but that means this next semester isn't going to be the career step forward that I'd hoped.

Things at North Shore look more promising. My bosses are amenable to the idea of me teaching there this spring, but even that isn't a sure thing. Enrollment for that semester is apparently down, and they rehire based on seniority. Since I'm brand new, I will be the last they allow to return if they don't have enough classes.

That makes me sad. I was hoping to transition into adjuncting as my primary day job. It was also nice to be making the extra money. I guess I'm still on the right track to that, but it might be put on hold for this next semester. I've applied some other places, but it's probably too late to be considered at this point, and I was way too busy this past semester to think of it before now. Ah, well. At least I won't be slammed all the time. It could be worse, but I'm kind of disappointed.

I just realized just how much grading I have to do over the next week. I have, between my two classes, a wave of revisions, a third essay, an outline, an abstract, and a one-page writeup. Not everybody handed everything in, but that totals around sixty distinct assignments that I have to evaluate. Gah.

I can get away with only focusing on what the students need for their coming work for the next Tuesday deadline. That means grading the Lesley essays #3 and the outlines for North Shore. But I should probably make sure I respond to the abstracts ASAP, as they need those to plan their research papers. The revisions are for the grade book, but the students aren't pressed for them, and I can probably get away with not grading all the pieces of the North Shore final immediately. Those require revision, but not until the end.

I don't want my whole break with my family to be taken up with grading, but I've got to get it done on time. This is the worst part of being a teacher. 😝

In the study skills class I'm teaching, the current chapter is one about choices and taking action. The idea it wants to communicate, basically, is even when you're in a bad situation that's totally not your fault, you should still make the effort to make positive choices to put into action for yourself, because even if you can't fix things completely, it will allow you the maximum amount of control and improvement over your life.

I think this is a good mindset to have. I try to live my own life that way. Still, it's a tough subject for me to teach, mostly because I want to emphasize personal agency without slipping into victim-blaming-- like, "There's no point in ever getting upset at unjust things that happen to you, because effective people always have the ability to take control of every situation," or anything extreme like that. But also because a big component of that is positive thinking. And for the last ten years or longer, I have struggled with that.

Bernie thinks it's at least partially because of my depression. He thinks it warps my perspective, making me prone to assuming the worst, and taking any downturn as a sign that my efforts will be for nothing. I think that's probably part of it, but I also think there's more to it. I am morbidly impatient-- I tend to assume that if my efforts don't pay off immediately, they're not going to. I also tend to want to prefer preparing for the worst rather than hoping for the best, in an effort to not have negative consequences come out of nowhere and wreck me. Whatever the reason, I am extremely inclined to those cognitive distortions that have to do with negative expectations, outlooks, and interpretation-- black and white thinking, filtering, overgeneralization, catastrophizing.

My one saving grace in this is that, no matter how negative my MINDSET gets, I am very good at not letting myself stop trying. One of the things about myself I have always been most proud of is my drive. It's something that friends often mention when they want to compliment me. When I want things, I am very good about not forgetting that the only way to guarantee you'll never get it is if you quit trying. So, despite my impatience and occasionally morbid pessimism, I am known for pushing and working and never giving up.

I have made a lot of things happen in recent time. I decided I wanted to do a new exercise and diet routine, so I did-- I've been doing it for almost five weeks now. I knew I had to change up how my life ran if I was going to succeed at my new jobs, so I made those changes. I've got projects I'm adding on on top of that, which I will be talking more about shortly. It's going to demand a lot of me. It may make me tired and stressed out, which pushes my attitude toward the negative. But I want these things to be, and the only way they will happen is if I make them happen. So I'm grateful I know I have the drive to push through, not only the amount of work and effort, but any possible roadblocks my mindset might put in the way.

Wish me luck!