breakinglight11 | Entries tagged with work

I have recently taken on a volunteer position at the Charles River Museum of Industry. This is something new for me, as I haven’t really done anything like this in this sort of venue before. I guess it counts as yet another different thing in my life and schedule, and I’ll be interested to see how it goes. I’m not sure what exactly I’ll be doing, but once a week I’m planning to show up and be of help in whatever way they can make use of me.

I decided to volunteer it for a bunch of reasons. The biggest one is that two people I really respect have gotten positions there in the last few months, and I’d like to support them and help them out. Bob Perry and Francesca Piper Koss were two of the main organizers for the Watch City Steampunk Festival this past May, resurrecting it after what seemed like interpersonal issues and mismanagement threatened to kill it forever. They did an amazing job, putting the whole big event together in just three months. If I’m not mistaken, their work organizing the festival led to their getting these curator positions, which I think is awesome. They were super-great to work under and were really a great support in my process of producing Mrs. Hawking as part of it.

I’m also kind of treating it as a kind of networking opportunity, so to speak. I’m putting myself out to be of service to an institution I respect and would like to have a connection with. I want to strengthen my relationships with the cool people I’m helping out. That’s what networking is basically, right? Networking is something I’ve been historically very bad at— social anxiety makes me unable to figure out why anyone who wasn’t already my friend would want to help me out when it’s so clear that I just want something from them —so this is an attempt I can make at it that’s manageable. Who knows what will come of it, but at least it’s a way to give it a try. And I can help out the museum and the curators in the meantime.

My new schedule has begun in earnest. I taught my first class at North Shore yesterday, and though admittedly all we did was go over the syllabus, I am pleased that it went well. I'd spent all the past week frantically building that syllabus, which was challenging as it's not my area of expertise, so I've been working pretty much constantly to get up to speed since I was only hired last Monday. I haven't actually taught any of the material yet, so I guess it remains to be tested, and I need to be prepared to adapt. Today I'm back at Bunker Hill in the tutoring center, which at least isn't too difficult until the semester picks up a little.

I'm a little bit burnt from the preparations for my new class being compressed into just the one week. The Lesley class at least gave me more lead time, and it's actually an English class, which was easier for me to get my head around. This is only the second day of my challenging new work schedule, and I'm already feeling a bit overwhelmed. The new diet, which requires a fair bit of prep and only eating at certain times, isn't making it easier, as I'm still getting used to it. But I'm sure I'll adjust. In the meantime, probably going to be hermitting to recuperate-- more than I do normally, I mean.

Today is the last day of the semester, which means I am about to start a two-week break before things kick in again. All of my jobs are currently for colleges, so I'll have no work commitments until things get intense for me again when the new semester starts. It's a bit expensive for me not to work during that time, but I will enjoy the time off.

It's almost the end of the summer as I defined it when I made my plan for the months of June through August. I'm in very good shape as far as the goals I set and the things I wanted to accomplish.

I finished the first draft of Base Instruments, and had a very enjoyable and productive reading dinner for it. The first draft turned out better than I thought it would, and it was so much fun hearing friends read it aloud. They made some great, helpful suggestions-- these reading dinners are the best --that will be great for the direction of the next edit. I am currently taking a week or so away from it before I dig in, though, so I can look at it with fresh eyes. Part of the job will involve cutting it down-- it turned out much longer than I wanted --so I think I can't be this close to it when deciding what I can afford to lose.

I just finished my syllabus for my class at Lesley. That proved much more difficult to make than I thought it would, mostly because of the constraints I set down for myself. I needed things with culturally significant protagonists, that my students could get for free online, that weren't all white dudes. I did the best I could with that, and I think I will enjoy teaching the pieces I chose. The only thing I'm not sure about is if I gave them the correct amount of work-- neither too little nor too much. I guess we'll see, and I can always adjust if things aren't working.

My diet and exercise plan I've managed to stick to for almost twelve weeks now. I'm pleased with the results, though I'm pretty sure I've plateaued. I have definitely got better abs now than I ever have in my life, but they're still not where I want them to be. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. But I may investigate into what I can do to jumpstart things again. In any case, I'm happy enough with the progress that I think this is how I'm going to be eating from now on.

Now to make a plan for the two weeks. I'm sure there's a way to make the most of the time, so I've got some thinking to do.

I am back from my visit to Bernie in Baltimore, and it was very lovely. I am reminded every day how lucky I am to have him in my life, but it was great being physically in the same place for a while. He's so good and adoring to me, and when I read that article that's been going around on how much emotional work women tend to get stuck with in their relationships, I realized in ours most of it is readily taken on by him. Not too many men like that, and certainly NOT the way of my previous relationship experience. Bernie's the best.

On other notes, I stuck to my diet, though I didn't exercise nearly enough. I also got very little else done, besides keeping up with Hipster Feminist (which turned four years old on Sunday!) It turned out to be a very nice vacation, though, which I guess I needed. But it's tough to get my brain back into getting-things-done mode now that I'm home again. August is almost here, and I'm trying to figure out what I need to focus on for the new month.

Probably the most externally important is finishing my syallbus for the class I'm teaching at Lesley. I know mostly WHAT to talk about and stuff, but I need to find good texts. I don't want to make my class buy a ton of books, as I remember how I hated breaking the bank on that when I was in school, so I need stuff I can post as PDFs on the class website to save them money. And they need to have examples of protagonists who are possible to discuss in terms of what they mean for the culture and individuals that have embraced them.

I need to finish my article for Game Wrap Magazine, "yearly publication focusing on the art and craft of live action roleplaying games." I'm on the editorial board as well as contributing, because I've always wanted a forum like this to exist where people can really examine larping seriously! My article is on the narrative function of villains in theater-style games, and how they must be designed and managed in order to properly push the conflict.

I want to do 31 Plays in 31 Days again, though probably under different terms than the ones expressly stated. Not sure exactly how I want to tailor it to my purposes, but I have been very happy with what it's done for my writing to participate for the last three years. I just need to decide what my personal parameters will be. As you can probably tell, I find structure very helpful.

Possibly related to that, I want to finish draft 1 of Base Instruments by the end of the summer, which I'm considering to be September 1st. Maybe I can use 31 Plays in 31 Days to faciliate that. But I want a complete draft, so I can schedule a time for friends to come over, read it to me, and give me their feedback to shape the edit.

That's a fair bit! I shall use this week to figure out how I'm going to do it.

For the freshman composition course I'll be teaching at Lesley, I had to pick a theme to focus the readings and writing assignments around. I thought that was cool because it's an opportunity to make the class about something interesting, but I found myself really struggling. I wanted an idea I'd enjoy enough to talk about for fourteen weeks, as well as have enough dimension so there were more than a handful of questions to ask. But I also needed something that would have plenty of possible readings, and would come off as sufficiently weighty as to be appropriate for the college level. Personally I believe any art can be analyzed in a significant way if you take the right perspective on it, but I wanted to make a good first impression with this first class I'm teaching.

I settled on the idea of "What does choice of protagonist mean about the people who read and write the story?" I wasn't that enthused about it, because I felt like I didn't have any other really good ideas, but I'm coming around to it. The paragraph summary:

"We often shorthand the concept of the protagonist in storytelling to “hero.” Though the two are not completely one and the same, the implications of that connection have a strong influence on which figures we choose as the centers of the narratives we read and write. This course will examine the “heroes” of significant works from various time periods, genres, and mediums to analyze what they mean for us personally and culturally. What qualities do we tend to find in protagonists? How have these qualities changed over time? What does this say about the values of their producers and consumers? Readings will facilitate examination of specific protagonists, as well as including commentary on the concept of heroes and protagonists and the questions they raise. Writing assignments will reflect on, analyze, and research what makes these central figures likable, compelling, or meaningful enough to follow their stories, as well as the implications on the cultures that react to them."

I hope that seems interesting. I also like that because pretty much all narratives have a protagonist, so there's lots of possible works to choose from. I think there will be lots to talk about, so even if it's not as fun a topic as I hope, it should facilitate the class well enough.

Today I had some good news! I interviewed for a position to teach an English class at Lesley University, and they offered me the job! I will be teaching freshman composition this coming fall!

I applied for it a while back, and got two rounds of emails turning me down before I got another that asked if I was still interested. I said yes, and got called in. I was nervous about my experience level, because I've never led my own class before; only guest lectured in other's people's classes. They asked for a syllabus from a class I'd taught, which for the aforementioned reason I didn't have. But I decided to design a sample one to show that I could, and to emphasize that I did have some classroom experience as well as the tutoring that I do every day. So, armed with that and some good advice from my awesome boss Bill, I went in and did my best. I got hired on the spot!

I'm really pleased. FOr some reason I don't "apply well" to things, and have had a very bad track record of getting my job applications noticed. While I'm much better in the interview, I rarely get to the interview stage, and when I got this one, I really didn't want to blow it. I'm proud of myself for doing well. Also it's a real step forward for me professionally. I think I've been held back by not having a lot of non-creative respectable job positions on my resume, and this definitely improves it.

I need to fill out my paperwork and choose a theme in the next two weeks. I have to get one that. But today I'm just proud of myself for FINALLY making this forward step.

Mrs. Hawking is finished, and I am pleased. We filled our house for both shows and my cast and crew did a phenomenal job. I'm really proud and happy. I even talked to some people afterward who may be useful in moving forward with the project from here. Who knows, of course, but we'll see. I'll be writing about the experience on the Mrs. Hawking blog in the coming weeks, so I'll say more about it there.

I wish I could say I could head into my break now, but sadly I'm not quite free yet. Urinetown, the show I'm costuming for Dana Hall, is now in tech, so that means one more week of rushing around all day. *Sigh* That makes five solid weeks. Fortunately the costumes are in pretty good shape by this point, so it's not the worst tech week I've ever had. It's just been wearing on me so hard to have had practically no downtime in over a month.

Next week I'll have a break. Not only will all my current obligations be done, I'll even have a little time off from my work at Bunker Hill between semesters. The idea of having entire days with nowhere to rush to is staggering at the moment. I really need not only the break, I need to switch gears. I am getting my head on straight about what my next steps are going to be-- from what to focus next on for Mrs. Hawking, to things for my other projects. It'd also be nice to see some people socially for once. I'm really looking forward to the change.

Well, Festival of the Larps is now over, so that's one more thing off my plate. Still, lately I've been running from one thing to the next in the last couple of weeks, and I'm starting to get burnt. Mrs. Hawking has less than two weeks to go before we go up, and while things are coming along very well, there's still a lot of work and time left to be put in. On top of that and my day job, I've been working some part-time jobs to make a little extra cash. I'm costuming a production of Urinetown for Dana Hall, and I picked up a few modeling gigs. I'm getting increasingly tired of modeling-- too many people treating you like a piece of furniture --but the money's good, and for the first time in a while, my finances are mostly back in order. We'll see how long that lasts! But it has the downside of meaning I'm pretty tightly scheduled, with lots of traveling in between things. That's the quickest way to wear me down, and I'm starting to feel it.

My focus right now is finishing Mrs. Hawking, and getting the word out about it as much as possible. Feel no obligation to attend again if you have already, but if you're interested or if you haven't seen it, it's totally free in Waltham, Saturday May 9th at 2pm and 6pm at the Center for Digital Arts on Moody Street. It's probably not good for me to focus on anything past that right now. But I find myself wanting to shift gears a little once I finish that.

I want to get back to writing, and to specifically pushing my writing. I want to work on Base Instruments and the sequels to Adonis. I find myself so inspired on them lately-- almost certainly a case of productive procrastination, but still --that I want to be able to devote real time to them. I also want to work on pitches. I think there may be some opportunities to get these things out there, and to do that, I need to work on what I would say to sell them to interested parties. That is starting to feel increasingly important.

Very excited for Intercon this weekend, but due to the various committments in my life, I'm unfortunately going to be a bit stressed about the time I'm not getting things done. Over-committed is of course my typical state, but I've taken on certain things recently out of necessity even though I didn't particularly want to. I'm costuming a production of Tartuffe that opens the weekend after this one, which is a nice experience and normally I'm very happy to do this sort of job, but I'm busy enough that I probably wouldn't have gone for it if I didn't really badly need the money. It's not super-convenient for that to be away all weekend for Intercon, but I'm just going to have to deal. :-P Also, for the first time ever, I have elected to not get a hotel room, in the interest of economizing. I hope this isn't a huge pain, but I really can't swing it this year.

It turns out that due to a crisis his family is dealing with, Bernie isn't available to come up this weekend to help me run Brockhurst.

bronzite is kindly stepping in to take his place, for which I am very grateful. It is mostly unedited from the original version. This will be only the second run ever of Brockhurst, and I've always believed you need at least two goes-through to decide if your design is functional. One player may have an unusual experience, making a given design choice succeed or fail, but if it happens to two or more, than you can make a pretty accurate assessment. The first run in particular seemed plagued by outside problems that I think were a factor in how people experienced the game, and I'd love to see how things go in the absense of that. At the very least, two data points should provide a better metric of what's working and what needs addressing when I seriously edit.

I have been going nonstop for about two solid weeks now and it is wearing on me. All my jobs-- tutoring at Bunker Hill, modeling, and costuming for Dana Hall --have slammed me at once right now. I'm getting everything major done, but anything that doesn't have a deadline on it is slipping. I'm stressed as hell, both from going a hundred miles an hour and from the feeling that I'm not fulfulling all my responsibilities.

I haven't done any real project work in days. I know I can always go back to it when things are done, but I hate it in the meantime. I need to just keep my head a little bit longer. Don't want it to wreck me.

Back from the wedding, which made for a lovely weekend where I could take a break from thinking about my life. Now, however, there's no more avoiding it. I have a crazy, demanding week ahead of me that has my stomach in knots from the stress of everything I have to get done. I have jumped in, but there's just so much to get through.

My depression has always been situational, and usually in response to some seriously bad life state. Jared's black cloud of a presence, my mother's illness. Nothing's bad on that level, but certain life things unraveling has left me feeling increasingly adrift and uncertain. I feel so pathetic saying I'm worried I'm getting depressed again, especially since I know so many people with way more serious stuff going on. The only thing that worked to lift it in previous instances was the circumstances changing for the better. But if I knew how to change my current circumstances, I don't think I'd be feeling like this.

I’ve been meaning to write up a status report on how I’m doing lately, partly to get myself to assess it, and partly in case any of you might be interested.

Mental:

I have been very busy with creative projects lately, which is good for my mental state. Vivat Regina is in rehearsal for a staged reading, which is going well so far and I’m very excited about, as I’m hoping it will spark interest in the property. Currently my biggest writing focuses are working on Puzzle House Blues, the musical I’m co-writing, and editing Adonis in response to the feedback I got from the BlueCat Screenplay Competition. I feel energized and excited about those two things. PHB has a real chance, I believe, of going somewhere in production, and Adonis was both one of the most challenging and creatively satisfying projects I’ve written in a while. I also made great starts on some other things in 31 Plays in 31 Days, including Base Instruments, which will be the third installment of the ongoing Mrs. Hawking story.

I’m a little hungry for a little more payoff for my work, though. I want to start reaching a larger audience, getting my work out there. My efforts are geared toward that—the staged reading, the musical, the contest submissions, and the fact that I put in a bid to get permission to put on a full production of Mrs. Hawking at Arisia. Nothing had quite come together yet, but these things take constant effort, and I’m doing my best. Still, I’m hungry for more.

Emotional:

It’s been three and a half months since my mother died, and the loss of her has gaped. I think about her almost constantly; I still go to call her most days, and her lack of presence is felt in dozens of ways. I talk about her a lot too. But my family has been handling everything so well that while it’s painful, it’s manageable, and I think we’re all going to be okay.

Bernie also is out of town for a while, I’m not sure for how long. Our relationship is very strong and I feel confident enough in it that I’m not worried it will suffer for the distance, but I sure do miss him being around. He just brings so much joy into my life, and while most of that is maintained just by talking to him, his presence meant a lot to me.

To deal with it, and to prevent myself from hermitting as is my wont, I’m making an effort to plan at least one social event a week. Lately I’ve been averaging at least two, which makes me proud of myself. And I’ve been seeing lots my lovely friends.

Overall I still feel pretty good, which is a nice change. My ability to stay even and positive is better than it has been in years. What a difference it makes to deal with difficult things when the depression is well and truly gone.

Physical:

I’m in great shape right now, possibly the best of my life. Not only do I look pretty good, I’ve been up to physical challenges I wouldn’t have expected myself to be, such as when I’ve helped friends to move this month. I have been exercising very frequently, including fairly intense circuit workouts. Now that it’s September again, my ballet class, which I love, has started back up, and my work schedule will allow me to attend all three offered in the week if I want. It also gives me more time to walk places, and I can get in a nice brisk three miles at least if I go to do errands in town.

The only thing physically that’s not so great is that my acne is extremely bad lately. I know I have a predisposition to have it chronically, my mother had it pretty severely too, but I really wish there was something I could do and I’m not sure what. Admittedly I’ve never stuck with a skincare regimen for very long, and I should try that and see if it helps, but I’m afraid it’s just my genes and nothing’s going to help.

Responsibilities:

I like my day job, which is tutoring writing at Bunker Hill Community College, which is easily the best and best-paying day job I’ve ever had. There’s even a chance it might develop into more serious work. But, and here’s where I’m struggling a bit, my finances have gotten away from me in the last few months and I’m trying to get back on top of them. I’m trying to cut back where I can, so I’ve been turning down most events that require spending money or driving long distances. My expenses aren’t huge, but the workouts that I do most reliably and get the most benefit and enjoyment from all cost money, and they’re the pricey thing I’m most unwilling to dispense with.

I've been very on top of other chores recently, helped in part by starting HabitRPG. The house is clean, stuff is happening on time, and I don't feel overwhelmed. More regiment, woo! I do however need to nail down one more roommate. Basically I’m looking for a young professional/college/grad student (preferably female if I don’t know them already) preferably as quickly as possible. Let me know if you know anybody!

Basically I'm doing pretty well. Yay! Given some of the rougher stuff, such as my mom and Bernie moving away, I'm really grateful to be feeling as good as I do.

I’ve accepted a job doing costuming for private girls’ high school Dana Hall again. I’ve enjoyed it the last two times, and this time I’m especially excited because they’re doing “She Kills Monsters” by Qui Nguyen. It’s about a young woman whose family dies in a car accident, so the only way she can learn about her dead little sister is through the D&D module the sister left behind. The story uses Dungeons and Dragons as a window into the sister’s mind and life, as it was the only honest outlet this lonely, nerdy little girl felt like she had.

I just read the script this morning and I enjoyed it. Honestly it’s not a fabulous piece of writing, and I get the sense that the author just did research into D&D, rather than actually being an enthusiast. There are terms gotten wrong or misused— such as a module being described as “homespun” rather than “homebrew” —and there’s a lot of assumption that what draws people to roleplaying is the need for an escape or wish fulfillment. That last is a bit of a pet peeve of mine— all us RPers are trying to get away from our lives/ourselves? None of us could be interested in creating stories or games-as-art? But it is cute and clever, and I like the idea of roleplaying actually getting some recognition in media.

I think it’ll be a challenge to costume. There are bugbears, kobolds, and a freaking gelatinous cube for God's sake. And got to make the girls look like fantasy medieval warriors on a budget, but I'm a larper, I can figure something out. I think it will be fun. :-)

Maybe I'll run a game for some of the girls...

I think about my mother all the time. Not the her of the last several years, but the active, talented, capable, beautiful woman she was before she got sick. I’m glad that’s the her that’s stuck with me. There’s still a sense of unreality about it. I mean, how could she really be gone? How can you not have a mother? Everybody has a mother. How could I not have a mother?

Grief has made me tired, mostly. I’ve been sleeping more, having a harder time getting out of bed in the morning, and I have less energy for activity and social. But it feels like clean sadness rather than the heavy, sinking depression that I was afraid was starting to creep up as she declined. It was so awful seeing her suffer. I feel bad that it seems lighter now that I don’t have to see her that way anymore— it kind of feels like making my comfort more important than her life —but I knew that she was ready for her pain to be over. She understood what that was from when her own dad was dying of Parkinson’s. (Previously my grandfather was our family touchstone for “relative who died too young.” It hit me hard when my dad pointed out that Grandpap lived seven years longer than Mom did.) I’m not out of grief yet, but I know it will in time be okay.

I actually feel more hopeful and positive about life lately than I have in a while. I currently have the best job I’ve ever had, tutoring writing at Bunker Hill Community College, and while it’s not exactly what I want nor does it really enable me not to worry about money, I am comfortable with it and making more than I have in the past. My real work, my writing, has been coming very well, and a number of opportunities have arisen that I’m hopeful about. None of them are sure things, of course, but they’re giving me direction and feel like real chances to advance my writing career. I don’t want to talk about them too much now, but with my musical Puzzle House Blues in particular I’m starting to feel like it could really go somewhere. I’m trying to finish the fourth draft, which I think is the penultimate one. The first act needs one small idea changed, and the second act needs only one more scene reworked before I think I will call version four complete and we can go to the final round of editing.

And of course a big chunk of that is Bernie. He just brings so much joy and positivity into my life. I enjoy him in my good moments and feel supported by him in my bad, and daily life is improved in every respect just by his presence. I love him, and don’t know how I got so lucky that he loves me the way he does.

So things are improving. And for once I’m feeling hopeful.

So I've had an interesting opportunity arise! I've gotten a modeling engagement in Los Angeles where they are paying for my trip. I will be out in the city next week from Monday to Friday, and I've even gotten an additional job for while I'm out there.

It's a cool chance, and obviously one I don't have come up for me often. I wish I had some idea what might be a good use of that time for a writer. It's a lovely fantasy to get discovered while I'm out there, isn't it? Just in case, I'm writing up treatments for my scripts and maybe having an elevator pitch in my back pocket for Mrs. Hawking. It's probably a pipe dream, but can't hurt to be prepared, just in case.

Does anyon have any suggestions on what's good to do or see while out there? Even if purely recreationally. I'm not sure what to do with myself during the downtime. Ideas welcome!

When I said no new commitment for a while, I'd forgotten that I had at least one more to polish off before I'm really free. I'm doing costuming for a production of Chicago done at Dana Hall, a girl's prep high school in Wellesley, and it goes into tech week next week. It's a nice gig, and I can use the extra money, but it means I have deadlines and places to be for one week more. I did a bunch of alterations in the last few days, and made a ton of fringed skirts today. I've also got a couple of modeling engagements coming up, which are nice because they pay a very decent hourly rate, but are more time sinks. I'm working hard to fit everything in around each other.

What I really want to do is work on my new screenplay idea. Maybe it's the enthusiasm of productive procrastination, of which I am a master, or maybe it's because the ideas are flowing for it so easily and so well, but I feel so jazzed about it. Even better, I told Bernie my ideas last night, and he had such great responses and gave me so many exciting suggestions. I'm so lucky that I have someone like him who is always interested in my work and capable of making such helpful contributions. He has a great skill for the structuring of plot, so he's always able to fill out where mine are lacking. I think this really could be an amazing story. Here's hoping my enthusiasm holds into the next week, when I'll actually have time to write it all out.

I resolved when I broke up with Jared that I would stop hiding how I felt so much, stop pretending things were okay when they weren’t. So I’m going to subject you to the dumb bullshit about how I’m feeling. Feel free to skip if you don’t want to hear. I wouldn't blame you; I'm sick of it myself.

At a very low ebb. Feel so off these, even when I’m mostly doing normal. Seeing how badly Mom is doing just makes me ache. How weak she is, how much help she needs, how much pain she’s in, how she’s sometimes muddled and off both from the painkillers and from the tumors pressing on her brain. It makes me so sad that all the other rough things in my life right now seem beyond my ability to handle.

I’ve come to dislike the term self-care. I know what it’s supposed to mean— making yourself and your wellbeing a priority —but I’ve come to associate it so strongly with people blowing off responsibilities that it raises my hackles a little every time I see it. I would rather feel a little worse than be the kind of person who doesn’t fulfill the commitments that they make to other people. Than for people to feel like they can’t count on me.

But I am overwhelmed. And I don’t know how to ease it. It’s mostly my own fault; in order to feel relevant and like I’m doing something worthwhile with my time when I’m low, I always load myself up with projects. It makes me feel like I’m actually doing something toward making the career I really want. That, and I am so prone to laying down and sinking into nothingness that I need occupations to stave it off. But I have so much difficulty concentrating under this stress that I struggle to get anything done. And so much is due, so much is expected that I’ve committed. And I know I would feel even worse about myself if I didn’t deliver.

How, then, can I take care of myself?

I want to hide, to seek refuge in quiet and solitude, but I can’t. My job, tutoring students in paper writing at Bunker Hill Community College, requires I see and talk with lots of new people every day. While I do fairly good work at it, I find that much human interaction to be extremely exhausting. It’s a good job, though I don’t get many hours, but that part of it stresses me out extremely. It seems like it’s been more so lately. Probably just because I’m so stressed by my mother’s situation, but I’m starting to worry that the wear is cumulative. Which means it would only get worse. But I have to do something, and I’m terrible at finding new jobs when I need them. I guess I have to hope this is only temporary.

I feel like I’m been slow and forgetful lately. Responding to things, remembering the things I have to make sure I get done. And every time a new responsibility hits me, I wonder if it’s going to be what topples me. When one of my roommates told me she’s leaving in a month, the thought of having to find somebody to replace her made me dizzy.

I worry about money. It’s gauche to talk about it, but it’s on the list. Now that the winter finally seems to be breaking it might not be an issue anymore, but the heating bills were absolutely killing me. I’ve been a touch behind for months, even with my careful budgeting. It’s so tiresome to expend so much effort being careful and still not being able to make things stretch. I guess I have one real monetary indulgence—I spend a probably ridiculous amount for my budget on my various workouts. I take two ballet classes a week, plus I attend two group circuit workouts with a trainer at a little gym in Waltham. It adds up pretty fast. But I get so much out of it. I love learning to dance, my body has never looked or felt better, and I think it does so much for my health. If I feel stressed and worn out now, I can only imagine what condition I’d be in without it. If I could just make myself do it myself—practice ballet myself for an hour and a half, go through the circuit routine on my own at the gym —I’d save a ton. But I have a hell of a time making myself do it when I don’t have an appointment with somebody to put me through the paces. I feel like the money’s worth it to me, but I suppose it’s stupid for me to complain about things being tight when I’m making a choice that makes it so.

I suppose I should be grateful. I remember when I was dealing with this sort of thing with the black cloud of Jared hanging over my life. Nothing sucked the hope or energy out of me like he did. Thank God that weight has been lifted; I don’t feel like I’m a breath away from sinking all the time. But I could use a victory. Something nice to happen to me. A success of some kind, a step forward. I know that won’t make up for what’s happening to my mother. But it might help me not to break down and lose hope.

Today is my first early day of work that wasn't canceled for snow. I prefer the early shift in general, but it will take a bit of adjustment as I haven't had to be in by 8:30 for quite a while. As a morning person, I think ending my workday earlier will make me feel less exhausted by the time I get home, which will enable me to make better use of my evenings. Of course, like an idiot, I forgot my lunch on my way out the door, which is not a great way to begin, but I'll have to get in better habits from here on.

I am making a serious go on the Vivat Regina subplot containing Clara. I'm not a hundred percent sure that it will work, which is making it a bit tough to commit to it. But I'm telling myself that if it doesn't end up improving or fitting within the piece, I can always just go back to the previous draft, so I won't lose anything but the effort. Much as I admittedly hate wasted effort-- likely a holdover from my depressed days when I had to seriously ration my energy --I really do want to give it a try and see if I can make it work.

Also going to have to begin working on the script and lyrics for the new 20s-era musical I'm co-authoring. That presents a really new challenge for me. Poetry is not my forte, and I've certainly never attempted to write it in such as way as it could be set to a song. In some cases my awesome collaborator Troy has already worked out what the music will sound like, and we'll be writing the words with that in mind, but in other cases we've decided it's best to write the words first. I'm excited to try, but also nervous. I want to do well. A piece like this is really made or broken by its songs, and good lyrics will really do a lot to see that the songs are good. I hope I'm up to the task. It's probably going to be a matter of brainstorming, giving it a shot, and then revising endlessly to get it to where it should be. Like any writing task, I suppose. Here goes nothing!

All this past week I've been cooking up all the stuff I've had in my cabinets, fridge, and freezer that I've had laying around unused. This served both to clear out my cupboards as well as stretch my budget to the end of my break period before I go back to my regular day job next week. That plus my various other obligations right now mean my time and mental resources are going to be tight. And how does Phoebe always deal with problems of this nature? WHY, MORE SCHEDULING!

Bernie and I took this opportunity to actually sit down together and make a meal plan for the coming week. I've been talking for YEARS about getting in the habit of making weekly plans like that, going to the grocery store ONCE at the beginning of the week instead of my typical, oh, four or five times for the one or two meals I'm thinking about right that second. I've even prepared for the couple days of week I'll need to use the slow cooker. It will save time, it will save hassle, and I'm hoping it will save money. I'm not sure I have a great frame of reference for what's an efficient amount for two adult to spend on food for a week-- I am good at keeping to a tight budget, but food is my real indulgence --but looking at the receipt, I think I managed to keep things pretty economical for two big eaters like me and Bernie.

I will be so happy if I manage to turn this into a regular thing. I'll save a lot of money and time, two things in short supply for me at this time in my life. I've wanted to do this for years but never actually managed to make it happen before now. I've hoping that by making it a blocked-off part of my calendar it'll be easy to keep up. I'm sure you can tell by now that I'm a very structured person; routine, scheduling, and habit are extremely helpful to my productivity. It's really hard for me to be really productive without it. So here's hoping it serves me in this effort as well.

I'm several weeks into this new life schedule and I'm starting to get into the swing of it. Getting up early and using my morning to prepare for the rest of the day, putting dinner in the crock pot, going for a workout, packing a bag with everything I'll need to take with me until I get home again at night. There's still something to get used to about being out around people for a full day, but I am feeling good about handling my responsibilities and doing a decent job of balancing them with the things that are important to me.

It struck me how happy I am with things lately. I have a regular part-time job that, while I don't love every aspect of, I like well enough, am good at, and leaves me enough time to pursue my other work. Between it and my various other small jobs, such as modeling and costume designing, I am making a little money again, more than I was at my previous job, and I am spending more time doing the things I want to do. I have been pursuing ballet and going to my circuit workouts, which has left me feeling strong and healthy. I am happy with how my body looks and feels right now. I launched my Mrs. Hawking website and, while I'm still working on how to find its audience, I'm proud of how it's coming along. I have been doing a TON of writing on various projects, many of which have a decent chance of seeing production, which could further my career as a playwright. I have lovely friends who give me a ton of joy, with whom my only issue is I probably don't spend enough time with them. And I have Bernie, whose love makes everything that much brighter.

I find I am happiest when I have a good balance of responsibilities, free time for fun, creative projects to work on now, and anticipation of good things in the future that give me a sense of moving forward. For the first time in years I feel like I'm mostly hitting that target. I may be a bit on the overcommitted side, as I often am, and should probably be careful of new commitments. But I feel pretty damn good overall, and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

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All Eyes on Me

"Do you know why heroes boast? Because it makes them brave."

Entries tagged with work

Volunteering at the Charles River Museum

Into the breach

Status update near the summer's end

Planning for August

Theme for my comp class

Adjunct job at Lesley University!

Week five of endless rushing

How things are going

Crashing into Intercon

So much work

Slipping

State of the Phoebe, fall 2014

Costuming for "She Kills Monsters" at Dana Hall

Hopeful

Anything worth doing in LA?

Almost free but not quite

Guess I'd better talk.

New challenges abound

The habit of planning ahead

Got it pretty good right now