breakinglight11 | Entries tagged with vanity

AUGH I haven't posted here in so long, because Mrs. Hawking has me so busy. I hate when I do that! But I finally got new glasses and I wanted to mention that.

I REALLY needed them, as my night vision was basically shot. I got two differrent frames, neither of which I love. But that's what always happens. I get new frames, which are too different from my old frames so I hate them. That is, until I get used to them eventually, at which point they wear out and I need to get new ones which I hate. The cycle continues. But as it is, here they are.

Look at these fucking old lady glasses.

Neeeeeeeeerd.

I've taken to wearing my hair in these spiky headbands with large teeth these days. I first bought two of these to glue together make a sort of coronet for an Ancient Rome larp costume. I liked how the spikes sort of formed a tiara look. Then, later, I got a haircut, with the sideswept bangs I've taken to lately, but shorter than usual. I found the headbands in the drawer, picked off the hot glue, and started using them to hold keep those tiny bangs out of my face, since they wouldn't go back in a ponytail.

It works well to keep hair off my face, which is supposed to be good for my acne. If I put it in right, it can push the hair in front up a bit, giving a little bit of volume at my hairline. And if I angle it right, the spikes stick up and look like a crown. I've been wearing it a lot in the last few months, as it makes me look at least presentable when my hair's not cooperating. But I hope it doesn't come off as settling. I know I look my best with my hair down, framing my rather round face and giving it definition. I hope it actually looks good, and not like I'm going with something easy and practical instead of pretty. I am vain enough that I'm willing to go to a fair bit of extra trouble to look better.

My acne is really starting to bug me. I’ve been making a more concerted effort to deal with it than ever, and the results have not been great. Thanks to HabitRPG I’ve used my medicated face wash and moisturizer almost every day for a month now, which is way better than I was doing. Still, chronic acne like mine probably needs an application twice a day, and I haven’t worked up to that yet. My skin, weirdly, does seem improved, as my complexion seems brighter, softer, and smoother in the places where I do not have acne, but the spots seem to be as persistent as ever.

I think it’s due to a lot of factors. Genetics are certainly one; I simply am prone to it. I’m fairly certain the way I like to wear my hair touching my face all the time also aggravates it. And God knows I put my hands on it a lot, which every source tells you not to do. When I was on birth control I think I remember it not being so bad, but since I got pulled off it due to my migraines it’s back full force.

It’s probably at the point where I need a prescription from a dermatologist. Unfortunately getting a referral to one is likely to be a huge pain, and my finances are such that a big copay for a non-necessary medication would not be welcome. I’ve also heard that there can be a lot of side effects, ranging from the pain-in-the-ass to the possibly fatal. So I should probably resign myself to my spotty self. God, I am so physically blessed in so many other ways I should probably be grateful that’s the most messed up thing about my body.

Of course I haven’t been on the current regimen long. I should probably wait and see what being a little more consistent would do, try doing it twice daily. In the meantime, a pizza face I remain. :-P

I learned recently that Chris Evans, the gorgeous actor who plays Captain America whom I have wiled away many a happy hour ogling, suffers from extreme social anxiety. There’s a part of me that is shocked by that. Imagine, being a golden god, and being afraid people are going to judge you. But really, it makes me feel a kinship with him. More and more, I suspect I have some social anxiety too—at least a mild form of it.

It’s weird. As I’ve mentioned, I only have a couple of the markers, but the ones I do, I have to an extreme degree. I have inordinate anticipatory anxiety before many social situations. It’s not unmanageable, I usually just handle it, but it’s still there to be handled. It’s very strange. While I do have strong self-esteem, I still have a constant little nagging fear of being judged. Most people don’t understand how those two things can coexist, but I really feel like they do. The only way I can characterize it is, like, I see myself as definitely good. I am secure in the knowledge that I am good. But it’s like I have a fear that “good” isn’t good enough, if I’m less than “perfect,” that invites judgment. Fortunately that internal voice is not too hard for me to ignore, but it still meeps a fair bit about “You should be perfect and you’re not!” Honestly, a lot of my damage centers around the notion of “You should be perfect and you’re not!”

It often takes the form of an absurd, irrational worry that there’s something wrong with my face. I mean, I know intellectually that there’s nothing wrong, but my anxieties for some reason center on it. Certain people in particular, specifically people who I’m always struck with how good they always look, will trigger it. For example, it’s often set off when I talk to niobien, through no fault of her own, because she looks so damn perfect all the time.

I also worry a lot that I’m going to “bother” someone. Like, people will react with, “Ugh, leave me alone,” if they know me, or “Who the hell are you? Why would I do anything for you?” if they don’t. It makes networking hard as shit.

The other day I went over a list of sixteen markers and assigned myself one point for every one I had, and half a point for every one I’ve experienced even a little bit. Even then, I only got five and a half out of sixteen. All the ones regarding people paying attention to you were not problems at all, and often were in fact things I thrive on. But the ones I did have—a fear of meeting new people, a hatred of small talk, of calling people on the phone, of using public restrooms –I have pretty badly.

My head is a strange place. It’s full of tiny little voices saying crazy things, but none of them really hit me that strongly. I guess everybody has them, but I suppose I’m pretty good at remembering my jerkbrain is a liar, as Captain Awkward would say. But even though the feeling of social anxiety is manageable for me, I can’t really pretend it’s not there.

Here's a picture of the costume I wore for Halloween this year.

As I mentioned, I was feeling uncreative so I decided to go as one of the Ironettes, the Iron Man-theme dancers Tony had at the Stark Expo in Iron Man 2. I made it out of various pieces of shiny red dance wear, plus an arc reactor patch, a gold chain belt, and gold cage heels. I didn't feel like spending money on sparkly red boots I'd never wear again, so I wore these metallic red stockings with shoe I already owned. They creeped down my legs a lot, which was irritating, but whatever. I think I looked a bit too much like a gogo dancer from the sixties, but at least it's cute and marginally recognizable. I do wish I'd managed to get little red gloves of some kind. It would have been fun to find LEDs or little tap lights to make repulsors for my hands.

So, as many of you know if you've been acquainted with me for more than five minutes, if a magical genie offered me a chance to choose between world peace and an eternal set of perfect washboard abs, well, I would have to think real hard. But since I have no genie, I periodically decide I'm going to do something more serious than usual to make those abs happen. Right now I've cut out processed sugar and stepped up my workout regime quite a bit, definitely to a higher level than anything I've ever undertaken before. It's definitely having an effect-- my midsection is stronger, denser, and firmer than it's ever been. Seriously, next time you see me, squeeze me. I feel BULLETPROOF. But as strong as they are, they are still not quite as visible as I would like them to be to fulfill my midsection-related dreams. Because, let's face it, as much as I like being a physically powerful imposing force of nature, I just really really really like the way they look. So I've got to keep working at it. But still... I think, kind of you... you can sort of see them?

abs1

In the right light? Maybe?

abs2

ABS OF MY DREAMS HERE I COME.

Generally, in the grand scheme of things, my body image is pretty good. That's thanks to a combination of mostly looking the way I want to look and having a realistic perspective on how warped the beauty standard is in our culture. But it shifts a little this way and that, depending on how I really look or how I think I look or things that happen in my life or how I'm feeling about other things. The last couple of years I've been a little heavier than I used to be. I guess I didn't look too different, but I didn't like it. I have a really broad rib cage and really flat hips, so I like to keep my midsection as small as possible to keep my proportions looking right. I wish I were a little more hourglassy, but it looks like the closest I can get is straight up and down. A big tummy really looks awkward on a figure like that.

Perception's a funny thing. I mean, even as all this was happening, I was still modeling for photographers, as I do sometimes. On occasion they have even paid me for it. (My rates are extremely reasonable, if you know anyone who's interested!) You'd think that would be enough to convince a person that they look good. But I've been kind of invisible to men in the last few years. In my social circle I'd been taken and unavailable so long, and I'm not really a flirt, so I've haven't seen much in the way of male attention in a very long time. Whatever, I tend to be attracted to very very few people, so I understand how it's not so much fun to compliment someone who can be gracious, at best, but can't really return the favor. But it was a pretty strong contrast to the way people used to treat me a few years ago. It was hard not to wonder if it was due to something, my weight gain, or just maybe looking as bad as I so often felt. It didn't help that the number one person who theoretically was supposed to think I was beautiful no longer seemed to like anything about me.

The stress of the last few months caused me to drop some weight pretty quickly, but now that I'm a little less raw I've been a little more inclined to lazy eating, so I've got to be careful not to let it all come back. I am pretty active, at least. I've been getting at least four hours of serious exercise every week, in the form of two ballet classes and one circuit workout with a trainer. I can even attend an extra ballet class in the mornings if I want to, bringing up that total to five and a half. While I have definitely been thinner than I am now, I have certainly never been stronger. I can see it most in my arms and legs, but I feel it all over my body-- my endurance is greater, I can do more difficult physical tasks, even my ballet dancing is benefiting from it. The circuit workouts I've been doing have been extremely difficult, and the trainer is always increasing them as I get stronger, so it never gets any easier even as I improve. I've never loved physical activity for its own sake, and I like the feeling of being physically exhausted even less, but it really makes me feel good thinking, wow, I can do this. It makes me feel strong and capable. A lot of people couldn't get through what I can. It helps make me do it, even when I feel lazy or resistant.

My ballet ability is also improving. Just the practice of keeping at it with as long as I have has helped. Control and balance have always been the toughest parts for me, but that's where getting stronger has helped. I really love dancing ballet, and the more proficient I get, the more I enjoy it. I can feel my body adapting to it, as except for my weak ankles, I'm rarely sore after class. It gives me such a sense of accomplishment to go through the routine exercises my teacher shows us and see how much better I can do them now than I could when I started. I also like how it gives me a metric for body image independent from its appearance.

I decided to finally do something I've wanted to do for a while, get a second piercing in my ear. Just above the first one, for wearing studs while the old lower hole could have a dangling one or something, as in the picture here. I'm happy with how it came out, it's pretty and interesting but still subtle enough to not change my look too much. I don't own that many that earrings that could be worn in the upper holes right now, but the trainers I picked are neutral enough that I could probably wear them with most of my other pairs. I probably shouldn't have spent the money right now, but I wanted to do something for myself like this.

If you could look like anyone, who would you look like?

I have been watching a lot of Judging Amy. It's a great show and I should write about it. But all I can think about right now is how if I could look like anyone in the world, I'd look like Amy Brenneman. I love her wild dark curls, I love her refined features, I love her lean, sleek figure. I even love the way she's aging, how even the lines appearing on her face are elegant. I bet she looks just as good first thing in the morning, a quality I've always aspired to. In fact, probably why I'd pick her is because she's everything I aspire to with my looks-- the perfection I wish I had.

I popped another button on a pair of jeans the other day. Promptly collapsed into a self-hating mess that I had to dig myself out of before I could be a functional human being again. In order to make that happen, had to think through some things to get myself out of that headspace.

When I was in undergrad, this is pretty typical of how I dressed every day. Jeans (size zero Lucky's) and a shirt short enough to show at least a little bit of midriff. My stomach, obsessed over constantly by me, was one of my best features, and I liked to show it off.

Now I have a day job, in an office with a professional dress code. It's frequent I'll go weeks at a time without wearing jeans, because it would mean going through a whole second set of clothes after work. I don't always want to generate that much laundry. And the whole bare midriff thing in the professional world certainly does not give off a vibe of "take me seriously." But I've also done it less because I've put on weight. I am ever so slightly too big for my old jeans, and while it's mostly okay, I wore them tight enough already that I don't exactly have a lot of growing room. And I hate the muffin top look, the look of being squishy. I am less enthused to show off a midriff that is less lovely than it was before.

I know I'm being melodramatic. I'm still small enough that I still get referred to as "the skinny one" and have people marvel at how child's-sized my clothes are. But I've been thin enough in the past to model underwear. To have those jeans fit like someone painted them on me. And going from that to popping buttons is depressing like I can't express. I look at pictures of my old body, remember how my pants used to fit, and can't help but feel like things have gone a little wrong.

But you know, the more I get hung up on my literal size, the less that size becomes associated with how good I actually look. Which is what I really care about, of course. Yes, I probably have a little bit too much attachment to that little zero on the tag in my dress, but I really just like having nice narrow waist to allow my decidedly non-childbearing hips to seem somewhat full by contrast, and smooth muscle on my tummy. Yeah, well-defined abdominals someday would be nice-- I have a kidney and a liver in near-mint condition if someone would like to trade --but I will settle. And even a little heavier, I need to focus on the evidence of my eyes. Something that can't be quantified in inches or pounds. And you know what? I'm still looking pretty good.

"There's other ways I'd like to take you, though." ;-)

And yeah, I'm looking to drop a little of the extra weight. I'm already working to tone back up. But giving myself a complex about it is not going to help me feel better about my body. Which is what I really want.

Gah, so little sleep last night. My body has a strong tendency to wake me up very early no matter how long I've slept, and while I usually am in bed my midnight like a good little no-fun worker Bee, last night I went out with the Holmes cast after our last rehearsal before we get into our performance space. It was very fun, and since I often am often reticent about socializing on short acquaintance, it makes me happy that I got along so well with this all-new cast. Especially since we went to a place pretty far outside my usual style, a dive bar with a too-loud band. Probably would have been sensible to go home a little earlier, but I was very much enjoying the company.

I got my hair done for the show. I had too much trouble on my own, so my mom suggested I go to a salon and have them put it up for me. The lady didn't exactly do the head-muffin I showed her in that picture, but she put it up attractively and gave me a gorgeous complicated bun in back. Unfortunately it was much more expensive than I thought it would be, so I am trying to strategically time when I get it redone. But people seemed to like it and think it looked right. I still don't think I'm ever as pretty with my hair up, but it was certainly more flattering than the head muffin. Our Moriarty is a gentleman named Paul who I like a lot, he's got a wry sense of humor and he's kind of hot in an offbeat sort of way, and he gave me his little rose prop that he uses early on in the show. I put it in my hair and wore it that way for the rest of the night, and when I tried to give it back at the bar after rehearsal, he told me to keep it.

We had headshots taken for the lobby board taken last night. I am not excessively happy with mine. Yeah, yeah, despite my love for people taking and desiring to take my picture, I never like how I look in photographs-- it's a complicated thing, this part of me --but I really don't think these came out. There's a lot of shadow on my face and I think I look distorted because of it. Plus my hair is up, which just never works as well. Bah. I'll just have to pick the best of the lot and obsess over it to myself.

We also took the plot-relevant picture of Irene Adler and the King of Bohemia, the scandalous image over which Irene threatens to blackmail the King and ruin his marriage. Me and Tom, the actor playing the king, looked adoringly at each other arm in arm until Tom realized that nobody in the audience would ever really be able to see the picture, so he started doing silly things. I think we did the pose from Titanic and a dramatic romantic dip. It was lots of fun. I love when I can laugh and joke with the cast I'm in. Especially given my solitary, introverted nature, I got really lucky with these folks. <3

Awkward shot of my head flower again.

I turned down a part I got in a show today. That's the first time I've done that except in undergrad when I was choosing one show over another, back in the day when it was the etiquette to do so. The role was Dolabella in the Gazebo Players summer production of Antony and Cleopatra, directed by the awesome Debbi Finkelstein. I've always wanted to work with her, but the role is small and I am called for an awful lot of rehearsal given that, which when it requires an hour round-trip of driving just seems like too large a commitment of time. It would have been fun, but I will have just too much grad school work by then to take away time from working on it for a part I don't feel passionate about. I just hope I sounded polite and gracious when I declined. I still would really like to work with Debbi as a director someday, as I've heard she does good work.

This is a picture of me with our Sherlock Holmes. Tonight is the last Holmes rehearsal before tech week begins. I have enjoyed this process immensely, and I feel really good about the show. Having this role has been great for me. I got it strictly by giving a good audition, rather than people knowing me already, which made me proud of myself. And getting the chance to dig into an interesting character and develop a complete performance To be honest I find this conception of Irene in the script to be a little nonsensical if you scrutinize her too much, but I've reconciled and made her my own.

Lenny said to me a little while ago that she thought my best performances were the ones where I didn't need to worry about projecting the opposite gender-- specifically, Cordelia, the Fool, and Puck. Something I've always wondered was if my acting was hobbled a little by having to distract myself with projecting a masculine carriage. Also, because I am so willing to cross cast, I think I get automatically discounted for female roles sometimes because there's always girls who insist that they absolutely can't play a guy. :-P And then most people tend to not want to cross cast important male roles, which means I don't get considered for those either, which limits me further. I should probably just quit saying I'm willing, though I hate the idea of making myself sound so delicate. But it's been nice to get a real role who's a woman for once and be able to concentrate all my energy into acting the character. Also, it's kind of flattering to have gotten it. It's fun getting to be the Pretty Girl. Don't get me wrong, I've loved me my dude roles, but especially given how down I'm been feeling about myself, it's made me feel good to know that people think I make a believable embodiment of a brilliant, singular woman with "a face a man might die for." ;-)

The cast and crew have been great too. They're all really nice and extremely talented, pushing me to try and do better so I measure up to them. I would be happy to work with them again anytime. Even if you're coming to see me, it would be worth it to come to see them.

I got my hair done tonight for my show. As a lady of the 1890s with a well-known reputation as a diva, Irene Adler styles herself only in the latest and most sophisticated of haute couture fashions. Such as this charming muffin-head, with a bun set on top.

I can't say I love it; I've always thought I was vastly better looking with my hair down than up even in the most elegant of styles. I modeled once for a guy who started pinning it up, took one look at me, and said, "Oh, THAT'S why you wear it down." Not exactly sure what he meant by that, but it didn't seem, ah, flattering. This way's also pretty muffin-y, as I pointed out. But it is period, and it got compliments of appreciation (perhaps ironic, who knows) from others in the cast. I will also have a little fall of false hair, not pictured here, styled into long loose curls that I will pin into the bun, to sweep down my shoulder for drama.

The only real downside is I have to learn how to do it myself. The hair lady showed me how, but she can't be there for the shows, so it's on me. It involves flipping my hair over my head, spraying it with a fixative, teasing it, bundling it up on the crown of my head, and twisting it into a bun. I've got very little ability or experience doing hair, so I'm a little bit nervous. I guess I'll have to practice in hopes I won't go onstage looking any sillier than I should be, given the style I'm attempting to wear. You have to promise, guys, that you'll tell me if my head muffin looks dumb.

Yesterday I got to try on costumes at Sherlock Holmes rehearsal. I was so excited, guys. I am the leading lady in a Victorian show, one who is supposed to look very lovely, which puts me in the enviable position of getting to wear many fun Victorian-era gowns. I tried on several last night, made of drapery silk in red and gold and navy and green, including a gorgeous ivory wedding gown that was my favorite of the lot. At the moment they don't fit very well, but the costumer is a seamstress of some ability and is confident she'll be able to take them in such that they'll look nice. She also tried some things on my castmates, including a very slick gentleman outfit on our Moriarty. I am a sucker for men in Victorian suits, and I must say he wore it well. :-) The costumer also suggested that they will be curling my hair in ringlets, which I've never had before. I wonder how I'll look with them! I've kind of always wished I had wavier hair, so I hope they take. A week from today we'll be taking publicity photos, and I don't know if they'll be in costume or not, but in any case I hope they turn out. I'm always very insecure about how I look in photos. This show spends a lot of time talking about how beautiful Irene is, and I've been joking quite a bit about how I hope the audience agrees. A decent photo or two might help, right? ;-)

Back from Intercon L, and although I am utterly exhausted, it was a heck of a lot of fun getting that way. I didn't prepare for the unusual schedule as well as I should have-- I'd stayed late to see the Titus naked tech on Wednesday, and I'd had two days this week when I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep, so I went in with less reserve than I usually did. But even if I couldn't stay up late, I was determined to enjoy this special once-a-year occasion as much as I possibly could. Ahead is my non-spoilery review!

( Friday night was Feast of the Minotaur. )

( Saturday afternoon was HMS Eden. )

( Saturday night was Resonance. )

I left early on Sunday to catch the last show of Titus, which I'm glad I did, but still, I was sorry I couldn't spend more time socializing. Intercon is one of the most important moments of my year, and I love how it surrounds you with creative, interesting people. I was happy to hear that Jared and EB's game House of the Rising Sun ran great, as did The Prince Comes of Age by Kindness, Matt, and Bernie. Congratulations to everyone who brought their artistic labors, and thanks to everyone who helped make this con so wonderful.

I recently thrifted a sweater that I've been wearing quite a lot lately, but despite that it's not in my usual style and I'm not sure how I feel abut it.

I do not normally wear long sweater coats, particularly of this shape, but I was drawn to it to use as a warm over-layer. It's actually a very high-quality piece, BCBGMaxAzria in a hundred percent lambswool that isn't itchy at all. It's also got unusual horizontal seams on the middle of the back and the elbows that spread out into triangles on either side.

I've been wearing it a lot lately because it's warm and easy to thrown on over whatever else I've got on. Trouble is, I feel kind of schlubby in it and that bugs me. I usually hate wearing things of a boxy shape, especially when they're oversized. Clothes that fit like that are the easiest way to make yourself seem shapeless, sloppy, or not put together, all things that I've been trying to avoid ever since I resolved to learn how to dress better. And from the back, well, let's say it doesn't make it my most flattering angle.

Looks like you could land on a plane on my ass. At least you can see the back seam better.

I never want to settle for looking like a schlub just for something that's comfortable and warm; there is always an equivalent that looks nicer that I could go for instead. I haven't been feeling terribly attractive lately, what with the weight gain and everything else, so I worry this is a sign that I'm starting to feel like what's the point, I'm not going to look that good anyway. I don't know. I go back and forth between whether I think it looks bad or whether it's a perfectly legitimate styling I'm just not used to on myself. I know it's just a stupid sweater, not exactly worth having a crisis over, but I do worry if it means I'm trying to hide myself because of not feeling pretty much lately.

Some photographs.

I do not hate this image of me.

My dad took this picture of my mom in the kitchen at their house. I like that he sees her this way.

My family is having dinner at Legal Seafood. This is the fountain in the center, from downstairs at the bar.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

This past Friday I had the privilege of being the subject of a session of

hazliya's fabulous photography. I've been admiring her work for a while now-- particularly her fantastic shoot with

morethings5 in which she turned him into an ethereal antlered spirit of the woods --and was really delighted when she agreed to do a shoot with me.

Me and my vanity have a strange relationship with photography. I've never felt I photographed particularly well, and my typical response to pictures taken of me was to marvel how little they aligned with the person I see (and, honestly, so much prefer the look of) in the mirror. Plus my skin always comes out blotchy and my hair is always somehow wrong. I know the camera doesn't lie, but I think it emphasizes things that aren't necessarily as prominent, like the redness in my skin, in real life. And yet, with my Narcissus-like absorption with my own image, I really enjoy being the subject of photographs. The only times pictures work out to my satisfaction has been when the photographer has taken a little care with the lighting and everything, and frankly since I don't have the best skin I think wearing the makeup I usually eschew serves to even things out.

Haz is an awesome person to work with. She is great with every aspect of a photoshoot-- she does fabulous hair and makeup, she knows how to dress the set, she sets up gorgeous shots, and she gives great direction that really helped me figure out what to do with myself. I have done a little bit of modeling before, mostly very closely proscribed shoots involving "wear this costume and get x, y, and z shots on my list," but I really liked the way Haz experimented and gave such helpful direction.

I suppose I shouldn't have been so surprised by how much the whole process felt like doing theater. Getting into hair, makeup, and costume (such as mine was, heehee), having to put together a set, and then take direction to do the piece. But the few other times I did something like this didn't have that familiarity, so it was a pleasant surprise.

All the pictures are on Facebook now, if you'd like to see them. Haz is a whiz at photo editing as well, which also blows me away. It helps downplay all those little imperfections that I fixate on. That's the mark of a truly vain person, by the way-- not that they know everything that's right about that, that they know everything that's wrong about them. Though I like all of them, here are my three favorites:

So many thanks to Haz for being so awesome. I actually like these photos, that useless pointed corner of my room actually was good for something, and I like the way I look in yellow here. All very, very amazing things.

I don't like my new glasses. My old ones were in such a state that replacing them was no longer really so much indicated and a necessity for continued life function, but sadly I couldn't find a flattering new pair that was similar enough to the frameless style I had been wearing. I liked them because they disappeared on my face, which pleased me due to a long-held desire to deny the fact that I need glasses at all. These new ones looked chic on the display, but I'm not sure the purplish half-frame across the top really suits me, at least the way the others did.

I don't love them. I think they make me look old, or tired at least, as for some reason the bottom edge of the lenses sometimes creates the illusion of bags under my eyes. They also are not totally adjusted properly; I walked into an eyewear store the other day and had a quick job done, which made them better, but not perfect. The nose piece is still a bit tight, behind the ears as well. Maybe I'll like them better when they don't give me headaches by the end of the day.

Maybe I should just give contacts another go. I have a hell of a time getting them in and out, which is why I've never bothered with them. But I've always hated the fact that I wear glasses, and how dependent on them I am. I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't feel so dull-looking then.

Blue today. Not sure if this is just a low mood, or the beginning of a slide back into the depression hole. Today, everything seems gray and unengaging, making me want to just go home and sleep for the rest of the day.

I am already unable to stop myself from figuring out what I will be wearing for my proposed fancy dress party. I have more formal dresses than I realized, none of which come out to play nearly enough, which is one of the reasons I want to throw the party in the first place. But which to choose? The flame-orange Andromeda dress Frances wore to such fabulous effect in To Think of Nothing, with its old-fashioned glamor and striking color? The sparkly black party dress with the visually interesting rouched front that flatters my bust and but perhaps makes me look a bit wide? The simple black one-shouldered cocktail dress with the sleek line and the asymmetric hem? The short cocktail dress that is also just plain black and has a demure front but hugs my curves and is so backless it's dangerous? The new gray Chinese gown with the high elegant neck that fits me perfectly? Or the sparkly deep blue dress that is a great color, has interesting details, and looks absolutely fantastic on me?

Ah, decisions, descisions. My choice will probably be influenced by which dress I wear in other recent events, such as for The Prince Comes of Age at Festival. Hair and accessories will be chosen based on the dress. That still doesn't narrow it down much. Maybe I could just do that diva thing where I change outfits periodically throughout the evening. ;-)

There are of course other things I will have to plan for it. But for now, all I care about is how pretty I'm going to look!

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Page generated May. 24th, 2025 08:47 pm

All Eyes on Me

"Do you know why heroes boast? Because it makes them brave."

Entries tagged with vanity

New glasses at last

Tiara headband

A pox on me

Even golden gods have social anxiety

Halloween costume 2013

ABS OF MY DREAMS HERE I COME

Body and body image

New piercings

How lovely is Amy Brenneman

Getting over that popped button

Out with the cast

Nearing tech week for Sherlock Holmes!

The height of hair fashion in the 1890s

Costumes for Sherlock Holmes!

Intercon L con report

Old lady sweater

Best when I do not smile.

"Chinese peonies and a sea of sheets": my photoshoot with Haz

New glasses

Party dresses!