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I've been trying to reform some habits lately, in hopes of having a little more energy and focus and managing some mental health symptoms. One of those is I'm trying to replace my morning Starbucks with something a little less sugary, and that doesn't cost six dollars every day.

For this purpose, I decided to give Mud/Wtr a try. I believe it's an example of what they call "mushroom coffee," which doesn't actually contain any coffee, but is a drink powder made with functional mushrooms. As far as I can tell, "functional" refers to mushrooms that have adaptogenic compounds that ward off chemical and biological stress, but are not psychoactive. Since I have been struggling with some of the weariness and mental fog that they're supposed to help with, I thought I'd see if they worked for me, and if I could stand to drink it.

To make the stuff, you mix a tablespoon of the powder with boiling water and your milk and sweetener of choice. Mud/Watr even sends you a neat little blending whip to help mix it together, so it's kind of fun to make. And I actually was surprised to find how much I like drinking it. The kind I got tastes like a fancy hot chocolate mixed with masala chai, although not as thick or quite as sweet. It's no Starbucks chai latte-- my beloved creamy syrupy spicy sugar bomb --but it's way cheaper, and with significantly fewer empty calories.

I think I've been feeling a bit better with it too. It's only been a week, but I do think I've been less foggy. Of course, it could be any number of things-- maybe over Thanksgiving break I've been eating or sleeping better or something. But it makes me optimistic, and anything that cuts down on the Starbucks is a good thing for me now. Also I get to joke now about my morning microdose, which my straightedge ass finds endlessly amusing.
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This hasn’t been a great month on the health front for me. While I have been generally blessed through my life without any serious physical ailments, the specter of aging creeps upon me and begins crumbling this mortal body to dust. In the past month, I’ve had all my chronic issues of their varying severities hitting me one after the other, with a migraine, depression-related weirdness, and recurrent severe heartburn. All that, on top of a persistent cold that I couldn’t seem to kick. It’s really slowed me down and made me lose a ton of time.

The heartburn has been especially vexing, getting steadily more frequent with no obvious cause. I have a fairly healthy regular diet, but I would periodically eliminate the possible culprits— dairy, tomatoes, caffeine, carbonation, even lying down too soon after eating —and it never seemed to make a difference to whether I got it or not. I never did notice any pattern in it— except, possibly, that it seemed to overwhelmingly trigger later in the day. I got put on various anti-reflux medicines, which would work for a short time then quit. I was living on Pepto-Bismol, and it’s now at the point where that doesn’t even really work anymore.

I was referred to a gastroenterologist who has me scheduled for an endoscopy— wheeeeeee, gut snake —but it’s not for a while yet. In the meantime, I had to do something, as the symptoms had become increasingly frequent and intolerable. So I’m currently trying the only thing I could think of— not letting myself eat anything after 4pm. Since the only constant I noticed was I very, very rarely experienced symptoms early in the day, it seemed like it was worth a shot to just not give ANYTHING the chance to trigger it. And it is with mixed feelings that I must report that it worked.

I’ve been doing it for a week now, and I haven’t had any flare-ups since. It hasn’t been easy— it basically means I can’t eat dinner, which super sucks, and given my schedule, it’s hard to make sure I eat enough for the day before the cutoff time. I’m starting to get used to it, but it’s really not easy for me. Even with all the various issues I’ve had with food over the years, I’ve never been able to just make myself not eat when I was very hungry. I’ve had a few days where come evening my big guts were eating my little guts, and it took all the willpower I had. But the heartburn has been frequent enough that I’m starting to worry about ruining my esophagus, and this has been the only thing to consistently work.

I’m really hoping that the endoscopy will pinpoint the real problem. A silent ulcer, maybe, or a hiatal hernia. Something that can be decisively fixed once it’s identified. I really don’t want to spend forever not being able to consistently share an evening meal with people. That would seriously bum me out. But in the meantime, this is the best I’ve got.
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In the past several months I made a change to how I use social media. I put limits in place to block certain platforms that were actively chipping at my mental health, and to ensure I couldn't spend more than two hours a day on social media in general. I'd been increasingly developing the habit of compulsive scrolling and refreshing, and I really hated how much time I was wasting on dumb shit I didn't care about. I put in the blockers and gave the password to Bernie so I couldn't get around them. I've had abortive attempts at this in the past, so this seemed necessary to actually make it happen.

It was a rough transition. I've been having some mental health issues off and on since March of this year. I feel embarrassed saying this, seeing as in the last year so much of my life has been not only good, but a serious improvement over how things had been previously-- I got a new job that was a huge step up in my career, I moved into a new house, Bernie and I get to live together now. I don't mean to be ungrateful or unappreciative of all those great things. But I keep falling into intermittent low moods, and anxiety spikes hit me out of nowhere and sometimes keep my awake at night. A rough period was the precipitating event for the social media diet, since it seemed to be aggravating the condition.

For a few weeks after, my brain seemed to go into intense dopamine withdrawal, unable to focus on or get interested in anything. I felt like a lump and do anything was a struggle. It was especially rough in stressed out moments where I could feel the addictive behaviors coming out. But eventually I evened out. I no longer feel so under-stimulated, and some days I don't even hit the two hour limit. I'm certainly relieved at that.

But I was hoping I'd feel better in the day to day. I've been long concerned that social media aggravates the depression, and I was kind of hoping that cutting back might improve my general sense of wellbeing. I don't really think I've experienced that. I was also hoping it might help with my engagement issues, my trouble to get interested enough in anything to pay attention to it. But no luck there either, at least not that I've noted.

It's pretty disappointing. This has always been my problem-- I've always been good about changing my behavior to make things better. But altering how I FEEL, finding any way to change my emotions, I never seem to be able to manage.

Still, there are tangible benefits. I definitely waste less time, which always led to a huge sense of self-disgust, so I'm glad to be experiencing less of that. I've been reading more and more books, and having a much easier time doing so. I had years where I was barely reading any long-form anything, a huge source of consternation and shame, and I've vastly outstripped my reading goal for the year already. It may be a sign that it's improving my ability to focus. That I will definitely take.

Maybe it needs more time. Patience is not my strong suit. But, as a show I'm fond of says, it gets eaiser. But you have to do it every day.

That's the hard part.
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A lot of life and personal maintenance stuff has kind of crashed in on me all at once. Finally managed to get in for a doctor’s appointment, which was tricky after my insurance changed, to deal with increasing heartburn trouble. I got the COVID booster and flu shot, which left me feeling sick enough to be uncomfortable but not sick enough to take time off. I got an eye doctor appointment for the first time in way, way too long, as the already-outdated prescription on my glasses hit the breaking point. I’ve finally got new ones on the way, but since I can’t do without my current ones, the point of constant eyestrain they’ve reached is really wearing on me. Also I’ve needed to get some dental work done for a while now, but I’ve yet to successfully fight through the scheduling problems my current dentist has been throwing at me, so that’s gone on way too long too. Combine it with needing to take my car in for maintenance, I feel like everything’s messed up at once. I’m good at taking care of myself in a day to day sense— routines, deadlines, exercise, eating right, sleeping enough —which may be why I can get away with not doing these appointment things as often as I should. But they also feel really hard when the time comes around.

Gotta get that dental appointment already. I’m nervous there’s a real problem, since I’ve needed to get my wisdom teeth out for a long time. But my damn dentist won’t pick up the phone, and I never seem to have time to drive out and actually ask for one at the desk. I actually tried that TWICE; the first time they ended up cancelling the appointment the day before, and the second time they said their scheduling software was down and couldn’t do it. Maybe I should just get a new dentist, but figuring out who takes my insurance seems like an even bigger pain.

Also the eyestrain is really getting to me. I think I could tell my glasses were starting to get out of date for a few weeks now, but this week they just seemed to crash into the wall. I’ve had a low-grade headache for days now. I’ve got new glasses on the way, but they’re not delivered yet, and the new prescription is different enough I’m anticipating a long period of getting used to them. Probably means I’m in for headaches (maybe even nausea) for weeks more.

I’m feeling pretty ground down. It won’t last too much longer, I’m sure, but in the meantime… ugh.
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This past weekend concludes the most demanding two-week period for me in recent memory. In that time, I had to:

- plan six lessons
- grade about 50 essays
- Write 3 student recommendations
- Write an application for my first-ever academic study grant
- Pull costumes to lend to a friend
- Prep an expert talk I was giving
- Assemble props and materials for a larp
- Assemble marketing materials for the screening of Gentlemen Never Tell

On top of other various smaller life-maintenance responsibilities of which I did a variable job.

I managed to complete that list doing mostly a good job with all of it. Things like eating right and exercising weren’t as great this week, but at least I can catch up now. Still, I can’t remember the last time I felt that tired. I am frequently busy, and have had intense crunch periods before, but something about this felt particularly huge. I wondered if I was getting old. Bernie thinks it was just because I’ve never had such a crunch on top of holding down a full-time job. Technically true, this is only the second full-time position I’ve ever had, but I’ve had multiple part-time jobs that about added up. So I’m not really sure.

The thing that really bugs me about feeling like this is that it turns things that should be fun and satisfying into just one more damn thing I gotta do. Several things on that list could count for that, but the one that particularly jumps out is the larp I ran at Intercon. I love Intercon, but so often lately I end up resenting that I committed to run games because of the labor involved in the prep. My game went great and I enjoyed it, as I usually do. But it was pretty brutal to get ready for on top of everything else.

This is a frequent problem for me— that I hesitate to agree to do things that theoretically should be fun or life-enriching, because they involve extra effort and work on top of everything else I’ve got going on, and I’m not sure I can handle it. It gets me in a habit of, basically, finding fun to be too much work. Not a recipe for doing much besides responsibilities— or else, turning everything into a responsibility.

I don’t know. It’s a longtime symptom of my mental illness to be tired all the time, as well as to have trouble really enjoying things I know I should enjoy. I don’t have a great solution, not even after dealing with the problem for over a decade now.

At least I can relax next week. I am determined to not do much of anything. I’m hoping taking the time will help me bounce back.
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We are now at the point where everything is shot for the digital, socially-distanced Mrs. Hawking shows at Arisia 2021. It was a huge amount of work, but I’m proud of what we accomplished so far. Bernie designed a portable filming kit that was a workable balance between usability and effectiveness, I designed a system to film each actor in isolation that could be cut together later and still sound like they are speaking to one another, and the amazing cast put it all into action with a lot of talent and hard work. Team Hawking, yet again, makes it happen. :-)

It’s at the stage of being edited together now, which is Bernie’s purview, and there’s only a limited amount I can do to help. Just as the filming was my primary responsibility, the editing is his. Things are going well, and I can use a bit less intensity for a while. I’m pretty tired, since the shooting period was like having to prepare and execute a small tech week every couple of days for two months, and I  just finished my grading for the semester. But I’ve never been great at sitting back patiently and allowing other people to do their part, when I feel like I should be working on the project until it’s completed.

I am trying to use this stage of the process as a time to take a break. I’ve mostly been well, but I have been going hard lately, and I find my emotional regulation is a bit shot. Minor frustrations have hit me harder than expected, and I find I’m more sensitive than usual to discomfort. It would probably do me good to regroup a little. To that end, I’m going to start rebuilding some of the routines I had before filming took over my time. I haven’t drawn pictures or read books as part of my daily schedule in those two months, and cooking basically never happened, so I’d like to put that stuff back in.

Of course, being me, I immediately want to work on something else, if I can’t do much to help finish the shows at this stage. I’ve been wanting to do another episode of Dream Machine for a while now, so maybe I’ll noodle on that. When I had a filming kit set up in my house, I found myself daydreaming about other things I could use it for, including snappier versions of that show. But I think I need to be a little easy on myself for a bit, at least until Arisia is over.
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Had a couple disappointments recently that have knocked me down a bit. The big one was being forced to cancel Mrs. Hawking's spring shows at the Watch City Steampunk Festival. It was the right decision, for the sake of keeping people safe by not gathering during the spread of COVID-19, but I'm pretty bummed. I work hard to make it so that Mrs. Hawking sticks in people's minds, but a lot of the times it feels like it doesn't really stick with anyone when it's not right in front of them. I worry about what progress I've made being lost if we go that long without having a show. I know it's a small thing in the grand scheme of things, when so many people are suffering way worse, but this project means a lot to me, so I'm still sad. We're going to do something else in the interim, but I haven't settled on what it will be yet.

We also got word that our pitch did not win the contest we entered. It's not the end of the world; the prize was to get a year free of a program that gave you access to film industry professionals, with the possibility of getting signed to representation. It was cool to get as far as we did, but it would have been nice to get in, as it’s pretty expensive normally. It was just a disappointing thing to hear to right on the heels of the show getting cancelled.

I’ve been trying to sort of jumpstart myself. I was doing pretty well in quarantine until this. So I’ve been trying some stuff to jolt myself out of being down— specifically, trying some projects that are really outside my typical style.

More on that soon.
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I am a little bit ill. Not very, barely any symptoms, honestly, but definitely ill. I take pretty good care of myself and I guess I have a strong immune system, so I don't often get sick, and when I do it frequently takes the form of a dragging exhaustion with a bit of congestion or a sneeze. That's where I am right now, constantly wanting to sleep and feeling a slight nagging pressure in my face that really doesn't react well to barometric shifts. I've been this way to a very minor degree since Arisia ended.

My life is in a brief easy period for now. The one advantage of having fewer classes and tutoring instead is that I have a lot less day to day work. It makes it less of a problem that I want to sleep all the time. But I'm taking a several-week online pitching class right now that runs on west coast time. It's only two nights a week, but it starts no earlier than eight, and with the workshop component often goes into the wee hours. I'm not a night person at the best of times, much less when I'm sick, and sometimes have to get up at six to get to my North Shore class.

I think it's also made me particularly sensitive to the cold. Even when it's really not so bad out, I've been shivering and kind of struggled to do things. My house has old-fashioned steam heat that makes it a losing battle to try and get above maybe 62 degrees or so, and ridiculously expensive to try. So when I get home, I've gotten into a terrible habit of building a blanket nest around myself, and I don't want to get out of it because it's so much cozier than anywhere else. It means I sort of bed down immediately and any task that requires being up and about gets avoided. But between being so tired and so cold all the time, I've not quite had the energy to break the habit.

It's not a big deal. I'm barely sick, and I need to just be more mindful of wearing more layers. Now that I'm aware of the nesting, I can make better choices. But I need to make sure I eat healthy and get as much sleep as I can, so I can get back some of the strength to deal with these things.
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As I mentioned near the beginning of the month, I am not doing well now in terms of mental health. Haven’t been for some time now. I am more or less keeping it together, taking care of my commitments and responsibilities about as well as I ever do, but I’m pretty ragged mentally and emotionally and it’s been hard to feel this lousy all the time.

My willpower is so shot right now. It makes it hard to take a lot of steps to take care of myself, to build habits that will make me healthier. I am basically a sugar vacuum, completely unable to curb my intake of my two worst eating habits, Coke and chai lattes. I’ve been trying to stick to a social media diet, as all the sad things in the news make my anxiety skyrocket, but I have no discipline to keep myself off of it. I think both of these things are really hurting me in my efforts to manage my current mental state. I feel like a small child that needs a nanny, to pack her a healthy lunch and pry the smartphone out of her hands.

I have managed a few positive things. I’m lucky that I can basically always make myself keep exercising, so at least that hasn’t fallen by the wayside. I’ve even instituted a few new good things. Since Inktober 2019, I’ve been drawing almost every day. Lately I’ve been doing portraits of people’s faces, usually somebody in a television show I’m currently watching. I’m not very good, but I am getting noticeably better even over the course of just two months, which pleases me.

And I’ve been managing to make myself read a little from a book most days. My focus for reading anything long form has been HORRENDOUS in the last decade, after being a voracious reader as a child, which is a source of extreme frustration and shame to me. I keep trying to get back in the habit and failing at it; I think I’ve managed maybe one or two books a year in the last ten. But I saw an article recently that recommended setting a ridiculously low bar for anything you wanted to make yourself do that didn’t come easily— like setting a timer for as little as ten minutes a day. This has helped me get into Daughter of Empire, Pamela Mountbatten Hicks’s memoir, slowly but surely, as sometimes I find I can continue past the ten minutes. I really hope I can keep this up. I’d rather read books slow as molasses than continue not reading them at all.

And I’ve been buying these little precut packets of carrots, celery, and snow peas from the grocery store. They’re cheap and I can throw them into my bag in the mornings. Even though I can’t seem to curtail my sugar habit, I am at least upping my vegetable intake. I tend to consume my sugar drinks on top of a basically healthy diet, but this counteracts when I don’t have time to cook for myself, as is often the case lately.

Overall I’m still pretty down, low in emotional fortitude and feeling weirdly raw. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how while I have a lot of basically good structure in my life, I have been unable to make any meaningful change to it in a very long time, and it makes me frustrated and sad. But it would mean a lot to me if I can get these things to stick. Even if they don’t fix how I’m feeling, it would be nice to feel like I was making some kind of forward progress— that change for the better was somehow possible.
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Classes started for me this week, and since I still measure my life in semesters due to teaching college, it's a good time to take periodic stock.

I have five classes total, three at Lesley, two at North Shore, and one of the Lesley classes is online. They're all classes I've taught before, so I can reuse lesson plans, but I have to convert them into online materials for the last one. It will be a lot of grading, probably the most I've ever had at one time. But it'll be nice to be making a little more money, and I'm glad I can take a break from tutoring. The fact that I will not have evening classes is also something I'm grateful for, as I was really struggling with the summer teaching schedule I had.

I am almost done with the new Mrs. Hawking play, installment number six, though I am still mulling on the title. I was surprised to find that my early readers found the draft to be noticeably cleaner and closer to finished than previous versions, especially since I absolutely hated it in the drafting process. Maybe I really do have zero perspective on that in the midst of it. But I'm feeling much better about it now that I've gotten feedback and really useful, actionable suggestions for improvement. I think I should be able to finalize the draft within the next week or so.

Good thing, because now is the time to start preparations for the next round of Hawking production. We'll be debuting this new one this coming January, along with the reprise of last year's part V: Mrs. Frost. It's always a lot of work, but I like getting to build a new show, especially since the last few have interacted so interestingly with the previous show. It really lets us get a sense of the evolving story.

I've got a bunch of other writing projects to get going too, as soon as part 6 is settled. I need to edit the pilot of the Mrs. Hawking TV show in response to an executive I spoke to, which is my next big priority so I can get it to her in the next few weeks and she can look at it. I also want to work on editing my Adonis novel. Right now I'm concerned my worldbuilding efforts are coming off like a Wikipedia entry, or else are completely empty. I'm not sure how to fix that problem yet, but I know it will take some serious work.

I have started reading Bernard Cornwell's The Winter King on recommendation of my friend and writing mentor Mark. He thought it would serve as a good example for what I'm trying to do with my novel. I need to figure out how to give reader the scene-setting they need without drowning them in exposition.

My health is mostly good. I have been working out a lot and am in very strong, fairly sleek shape, though I've been eating a ton of sugar. Since the semester has started, I've made a resolution to cut back on the Coke and chai lattes, which are always my worst habit. I have been a little broken out on my chin, though, which makes me worried my beloved Curology treatment isn't working as well anymore. But it could also be due to the fact that I've been in a period of relatively high anxiety for a few weeks now. It's not at its peak anymore, but it's been a problem, leaving me pretty seriously burnt. Not a good way to start a new semester, but I actually think my schedule change will help. No evening classes and no long periods of having to sit in one place are much better suited to my lifestyle.

So overall I'm okay, except for the anxiety. I'm trying to get started on the right foot and make sure I'm not letting it make my good habits fall by the wayside. If I stay organized, I'll handle everything better.
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I think my wisdom teeth are reaching the crisis point. I was told in the last year that they were starting to look a little funny and would need to come out eventually. But the other day I poked at a little discomfort in the back of my mouth and ended up jangling a tooth that is clearly trying to bust its way out and is forced to do it at a weird angle. Now I'm feeling it all the time back there. It doesn't quite hurt, unless something really bangs against it, but I'm definitely noticing it more than I did previously. It's annoying, because the year before they appeared to be coming in straight and didn't even look to need extraction.

I'm not excited to get them dealt with. I'm not super bothered by dental work or surgery, but I really do not have the time or money to spend on it. I have dental insurance, but I always seem to end up paying a bunch anyway every time I get anything done. And the recovery time and arrangements are going to be a pain. I tend to react pretty strongly to general anesthetic. The last time I was put under for a procedure, it took me a long time to get straight again, and I ended up sleeping for like fourteen hours. I'm probably going to need somebody to pick me up and babysit me, at least until I can get home to bed. I hate imposing on people, especially with all the scheduling issues that would involve. Also I'm told I was pretty fucking weird last time as I was coming out of it, grouchy and yelling and acting ridiculous. My own embarrassment aside, I hate to subject anyone to that.

Ugh. It's going to be a pain, and an expensive one at that. I think all of my wisdom teeth need to come out, too. But I know I'm going to be sorry if I don't figure this out sooner rather than later.
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I've made an effort recently to seriously cut back on my social media use. I can't abandon it entirely— it's the only really effective way I have to promote my creative work —but I think excessive exposure to it is adversely affecting my mental health. My depression has a tendency to make me lapse into it as an endless source of bullshit input when my brain can't seem to latch onto anything substantive. And I get no joy from scrolling dumb meaningless shit on Facebook or Twitter, yet I do it when I feel bad anyway, and end up feeling worse with the time I waste. So I'm allowing myself to post things, check notifications once a day, but no scrolling through random feed stuff. I lose a ton of time to it and end up feeling bad.

I'm also trying to change my relationship with my smart phone, and I think the social media stuff is part of the problem. I've been reading articles and talking to people about smart phone addiction, how it destroys focus, and depresses enjoyment and engagement in other things. And as bad as one author had it, I compared my usage data to his and mine was actually worse. That was depressing to see. I've been struggling with attention issues and an inability to get engaged with things I would normally expect to enjoy, and I think this addiction at least makes it worse, even if it's not totally responsible. Recently I had some of the worst inability to enjoy or get interested in something that should have made me happy in ages, and it was such a terrible feeling I've resolved to do something about it. I don't know if just cutting way, way back on social media is enough to undo any damage, but I figure it's a place to start. If nothing else, I hate how hard it is for me to read books, or anything longform anymore, because I can't rouse the interest or focus. Even an improvement on that front would be a little victory.
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Well, got the results of my blood test back. The verdict: NOTHING. All my levels are fine; spectacular, even. I am the specimen of health. I mean, I do eat well, sleep well, and work out almost every day. This is ultimately a good thing, as I should be grateful I'm in physically good shape with no real problems. But I'm a touch disappointed there wasn't something identifiable or treatable found, like an iron deficiency or something. Because then I might have something I can blame for my feelings of low energy and lack of focus, and a clearer course of action to take to possibly fixing it. As it is, I don't know what I can do to change things, and I've been so frustrated by the impact it's had on my daily life.

To be honest, I am already starting to do a little better taking care of life stuff. I've made a ton of progress cleaning up my house, culling my possessions and organizing what I keep. It hasn't been very long, but I've already done better with my journal, and making sure I do at least a little work on a writing project every day. I've been on top of work responsibilities, such that so far nothing has been forgotten, or slipped to the last minute. I'm hoping to make these things habit again. I even resolved to try to get back into reading novels, even if it means reading only one chapter a night before bed.

But I still FEEL off. I sleep a lot, often going to bed ridiculously early and still napping during the day. And focus is a fucking BATTLE. I can usually eventually get into whatever I need to work on, but it takes a fair bit of struggle to get started, which wastes a lot of time. Reading just that one chapter of a book, I feel my brain wanting to drift almost constantly. I've had a suspicion for years smart phone addiction is partially to blame. It's worth it to try and modify how I interact with it, though I haven't yet decided how, and I know it's going to be hard. I really am addicted. I've been making a fair number of changes lately which have required effort and resolve, so I don't want to overload myself too fast. Still, it's looking like forcing myself to make adjustments to how I live are the only hope I have of snapping myself out of this bad rut. I'll just have to phase more things in gradually, I suppose.

But I really hoped I could just have started taking iron supplements or something and had an easy fix.
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I would really like to get back in the habit of journaling again. It's been so long, and it used to be a really big part of my life. So let's see if I can reintegrate it into my routine, now that my schedule and daily responsibilities have shifted.

I have very proudly completed our most recent Mrs. Hawking shows with the amazing cast and crew, which marks five years and five installments of the series. I'm really happy with the performances we gave and the audiences we drew.

But now that's finished, the shape of my life will be different for a while. I lost one of the courses I was supposed to teach this semester due to low enrollment, which is a brutal reality of being an adjunct and going to take a chunk out of my finances for the semester. I'm looking for something else if I can find it, but the one upside in the meantime is I will have a lot more free time and a lot fewer responsibilities. I think I need that for a while.

I've not been at my best for the last six months or so. I've been... sleepy, low-energy, spacey, forgetful. Less on top of my life, responsibilities, and projects than I've ever been. More prone to illness and exhaustion. I still don't know what it is. Bernie thinks it might be burnout. I used to have fairly light summers as break from my otherwise intensely busy life, but for the last two years those summers were eaten up again. It might be a breakdown from plain exhaustion. Or maybe it's something more biological. I finally got a blood test after not getting it together to see a doctor in over a year, in hopes that it's something simple like an iron deficiency I can fix with diet and supplements. But I haven't gotten the results back, so we'll see.

Regardless, I need to get my life in order. The next round of rehearsals don't start until mid-March. In the meantime, I'm trying to take care of myself, sleeping enough, eating right, exercising every day, and not taking on any new projects. I'm trying to clean and organize my space, attending to domestic chores that I've been putting off for ages. My costuming and other show properties need organizing and storing, and things I don't use need to be jettisoned, KonMari-style. I'm worried about my finances with the loss of that class. But I do need time to get myself back together, in hopes of regaining some of my old energy, and what is left of my already shot focus.
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I am a person who lives with mental illness. That has been clear since I was about nineteen years old, and has been a significant problem in my life on and off for the intervening time. The name of the illness and even the number I have has been disagreed upon by various parties in a position to offer an opinion— I've heard anywhere between one and four, and a corresponding range of diagnoses— but the one that's pretty indisputable is the moderate depression that has waxed and waned throughout my adult life. It's been a big enough and constant enough presence for me that I very much feel the daily reality that is being mentally ill.

I know it's common among other mentally ill folks to object to the use of the word "crazy." It's been dismissed by those people as offensive, even ableist. But I have never felt that way, and honestly do not even feel like the way most people use "crazy" refers at all to the symptoms of mental illness. It's much more a synonym for "absurd." People bust it out when they can't see how something could possibly have logically happened, when someone or something is unreasonable, ridiculous. Even when people call each other crazy, I don't feel like they're often actually implying that they think the person is mentally ill— instead, as stated above, being beyond reason or absurd. As someone whose life and behavior are definitely impacted by mental illness, I really feel as if the language has evolved here away from the original meaning the word may have had.

Now I admit I may not have the kind of conditions that inspire people to call you that word. I am highly functional even during severe attacks. Maybe if I had a personality disorder or something that caused more extreme behavior that I could not cope with as well, I would feel differently. But my illness definitely impacts the way I perceive the world and the choices I make in reacting to it. It's a very present part of my life. So I kind of resent the idea that my situation is not "real" or "serious" enough to have an opinion on this. I know I can't speak for every mentally ill person, and other people can decide what's acceptable to themselves. But as far as I'm concerned, it's a word that refers to something else because of the way the language usage has changed over time.
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As I posted, I have accomplished the most recent performances of Mrs. Hawking. The quality of the productions, plus the high attendance and overwhelming positive response, pleased me enormously. In an additional herculean effort, I've also finished my grading and submitted grades for the end of the semester. That means that I finally have a significantly lighter period ahead of me, and I mean to keep it that way. I need some downtime after all that intensity and stress.

Predictably, in this the first week since finishing, I have gotten sick. The cold Bernie brought with him when he came down for the show, and the migraine I gave myself with an excess of caffeine. Both of those I don't tend to get more than once a year, and I've noticed I tend to be ill in my off-time, rather than when I've got stuff to work on. I commented to Bernie that maybe it's the adrenaline and force of will keeping it off until I can afford to lie flat on my back and get some rest again. He countered that maybe it only happens after I've thoroughly run myself ragged. Equally possible, I suppose.

But as I said, at least I've got some downtime for now. I can use that to rest and repair-- eat right, sleep enough, and destress. I've got some projects this summer, but much less work, less tight scheduling, and less pressure to be on all the time. I think I'll feel better soon, and for now I'll just be grateful that I didn't get sick until after I finished.
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It's been a few very long weeks. My last class for the semester, the eight-week Creative Writing intensive, began on top of everything else, which threw in a new module to plan and eighteen more papers to grade every single week. The extra work has really gotten to me, and I'm starting to get worn down.

On top of that, my body has felt... sore. My knees are a bit painful and my muscles are generally achy. I'm worried it's because I'm not eating that well lately. I've been working out harder than usual and maybe I'm not taking proper care of myself. I should probably incorporate more rest, but I'm always worried about falling out of the habit. I always sleep pretty well, but it's rare that I'm not getting enough protein and vitamins the way I probably am lately.

What I need to do to deal with this, I think, is an actual free period of time where I'm not drowning in grading to catch up-- make maybe a few days' worth of nutritious dinners, rest without running around, and straighten up my life. I haven't been keeping up my normal level of organization either, which ups my stress level. I could also use a massage-- maybe more than anything else --but I probably shouldn't spend the money right now. Or hell, the time. But if this level of exhaustion and stress is making me less productive, maybe I just need to find the way to make it happen.
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I have reluctantly taken on a few more hours of tutoring this semester. I can really use the extra cash, for several reasons, not least of which because it's looking like I'll need to have some expensive dental surgery in the near future. Despite being told as recently as a couple years ago that they were fine, apparently my wisdom teeth are going to have to come out after all. I'm really unhappy about that, first because I do not relish the time spent out of commission due to how long it takes me to shake anesthetic. I might even need somebody to babysit me as I come out of it, as my history suggests it hits me very hard. The last time I had it when I was nineteen and had to be put under for a minor eye surgery, I was ridiculous and combative when I first woke up, then slept for like twelve solid hours, and then for the next day I was foggy, stupid, and not of totally sound judgment. Ugh. So at least for the beginning it's probably not the safest thing for me to be alone, but I hate to waste somebody's time with that.

And then there's the cost. It's looking to be extremely expensive, and my stupid insurance doesn't take much of a dent out of it. Overall, even before the extra hours I'm supposed to be making more this semester than last, but because of the schedule I'm getting paid on I haven't seen it yet, so this is a way of dealing with things more immediately. I'm not delighted to make my already full schedule even fuller, but I'm grateful that my work is flexible enough that I can do this at a time I need to. A lot of that is down to Bill, my awesome boss, so I'm particularly grateful for him.

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I hesitate to say it for fear of jinxing it or speaking too soon, but I think I can finally declare that I've recovered from the most intense burnout period of my life. It took almost two months, but I actually think I feel like my old self again, with my old energy and productivity. I confess I still feel fragile, like if things get tougher I may lose it all, but I'm hoping I'm actually past that level of exhaustion.

I'm back mostly in my preferred life routine, with regular exercise, careful if not obsessively controlled eating, staying on top of chores, and working on projects on a regular basis. I've gotten into a writing groove I'm pretty damn pleased with. I finished the edit of the Mrs. Hawking pilot and sent that off to my contact, which made for a respectable two-week turnaround. That's one item off my current list. I'm making steady progress on the Hood pilot draft as well, generating at least one scene for it every day. My plan on that is to get it sent in no later than one month after our last meeting, in an effort to keep to a brisk, efficient schedule.

I'm trying to maintain the work habits I've historically found to be the most efficient. I am a big proponent of the "vomit" or "slam" drafting process, which is where you just push to get a complete draft on paper without worrying if it's exactly right or not. I find that editing as I go prevents me from actually getting the words on the page. I do much better if I can just MAKE THE THING EXIST, and then editing and improving it once it does. So my current plan is to get it all technically "complete" without really rereading once it is, and once I've got a full draft, then go back and start fixing. It means I think this one is particularly rough at the moment, but I think it will make the improvement process easier on the back end.
breakinglight11: (CT photoshoot 1)
I am doing my best to cope with how bad I’ve been feeling. My lifestyle is pretty clean and healthy, but stuff slips when you’re not at your strongest. So here are something I’m trying to stick to in an effort to take good care of myself while I don’t feel strong.

Exercising regularly. I’ve stuck to my six-days-a-week routine really well. I feel like I’m getting real workouts without excessively stressing my body.

Dieting but not too sternly. I’ve been mostly keeping to my smoothie diet because I feel physically best when I do, but not being quite so strict just to go a bit easier on myself.

Drinking more water. I’ve been bringing a water bottle to work, which I drink and fill back up throughout the day.

Going for walks. It gets a little extra low-key exercise in, and makes me spend more time outside in natural sunlight. I spend way too much time indoors.

Taking a multivitamin. I should have started doing that ages ago. It’s gummy and tastes like raspberry.

Letting myself get up an hour later in the morning. My summer hours start later, so there’s no pressing need to be up at six every day. I worry about when I go back to my early schedule, but I have two or three months of buffer.

Seeing friends. I’ve made an effort to not just hide in my house every free moment. Having nice social time will do me good, so I’ve been reaching out to schedule things with the people I care about.

Sitting properly. I have a tendency, whenever I’m sitting in a normal chair, to sink down lower and lower in it until I’m basically sitting on my tailbone. It’s making my lower back hurt. I’m making a conscious effort to sit on my butt, with my back straight.

Not taking on new commitments. I need to not be overloaded for once. I’m trying to stand firm and not feel guilty about it.

I’m trying to limit myself to stuff that doesn’t cost money, as for the summer I’m on a tighter budget. I honestly am afraid this isn’t going to be enough to make me feel much better. But at least I won’t feel worse, and my physical health won’t be compromised during the bad spell.

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