All Eyes on Me

This hasn’t been a great month on the health front for me. While I have been generally blessed through my life without any serious physical ailments, the specter of aging creeps upon me and begins crumbling this mortal body to dust. In the past month, I’ve had all my chronic issues of their varying severities hitting me one after the other, with a migraine, depression-related weirdness, and recurrent severe heartburn. All that, on top of a persistent cold that I couldn’t seem to kick. It’s really slowed me down and made me lose a ton of time.

The heartburn has been especially vexing, getting steadily more frequent with no obvious cause. I have a fairly healthy regular diet, but I would periodically eliminate the possible culprits— dairy, tomatoes, caffeine, carbonation, even lying down too soon after eating —and it never seemed to make a difference to whether I got it or not. I never did notice any pattern in it— except, possibly, that it seemed to overwhelmingly trigger later in the day. I got put on various anti-reflux medicines, which would work for a short time then quit. I was living on Pepto-Bismol, and it’s now at the point where that doesn’t even really work anymore.

I was referred to a gastroenterologist who has me scheduled for an endoscopy— wheeeeeee, gut snake —but it’s not for a while yet. In the meantime, I had to do something, as the symptoms had become increasingly frequent and intolerable. So I’m currently trying the only thing I could think of— not letting myself eat anything after 4pm. Since the only constant I noticed was I very, very rarely experienced symptoms early in the day, it seemed like it was worth a shot to just not give ANYTHING the chance to trigger it. And it is with mixed feelings that I must report that it worked.

I’ve been doing it for a week now, and I haven’t had any flare-ups since. It hasn’t been easy— it basically means I can’t eat dinner, which super sucks, and given my schedule, it’s hard to make sure I eat enough for the day before the cutoff time. I’m starting to get used to it, but it’s really not easy for me. Even with all the various issues I’ve had with food over the years, I’ve never been able to just make myself not eat when I was very hungry. I’ve had a few days where come evening my big guts were eating my little guts, and it took all the willpower I had. But the heartburn has been frequent enough that I’m starting to worry about ruining my esophagus, and this has been the only thing to consistently work.

I’m really hoping that the endoscopy will pinpoint the real problem. A silent ulcer, maybe, or a hiatal hernia. Something that can be decisively fixed once it’s identified. I really don’t want to spend forever not being able to consistently share an evening meal with people. That would seriously bum me out. But in the meantime, this is the best I’ve got.

A lot of life and personal maintenance stuff has kind of crashed in on me all at once. Finally managed to get in for a doctor’s appointment, which was tricky after my insurance changed, to deal with increasing heartburn trouble. I got the COVID booster and flu shot, which left me feeling sick enough to be uncomfortable but not sick enough to take time off. I got an eye doctor appointment for the first time in way, way too long, as the already-outdated prescription on my glasses hit the breaking point. I’ve finally got new ones on the way, but since I can’t do without my current ones, the point of constant eyestrain they’ve reached is really wearing on me. Also I’ve needed to get some dental work done for a while now, but I’ve yet to successfully fight through the scheduling problems my current dentist has been throwing at me, so that’s gone on way too long too. Combine it with needing to take my car in for maintenance, I feel like everything’s messed up at once. I’m good at taking care of myself in a day to day sense— routines, deadlines, exercise, eating right, sleeping enough —which may be why I can get away with not doing these appointment things as often as I should. But they also feel really hard when the time comes around.

Gotta get that dental appointment already. I’m nervous there’s a real problem, since I’ve needed to get my wisdom teeth out for a long time. But my damn dentist won’t pick up the phone, and I never seem to have time to drive out and actually ask for one at the desk. I actually tried that TWICE; the first time they ended up cancelling the appointment the day before, and the second time they said their scheduling software was down and couldn’t do it. Maybe I should just get a new dentist, but figuring out who takes my insurance seems like an even bigger pain.

Also the eyestrain is really getting to me. I think I could tell my glasses were starting to get out of date for a few weeks now, but this week they just seemed to crash into the wall. I’ve had a low-grade headache for days now. I’ve got new glasses on the way, but they’re not delivered yet, and the new prescription is different enough I’m anticipating a long period of getting used to them. Probably means I’m in for headaches (maybe even nausea) for weeks more.

I’m feeling pretty ground down. It won’t last too much longer, I’m sure, but in the meantime… ugh.

We are now at the point where everything is shot for the digital, socially-distanced Mrs. Hawking shows at Arisia 2021. It was a huge amount of work, but I’m proud of what we accomplished so far. Bernie designed a portable filming kit that was a workable balance between usability and effectiveness, I designed a system to film each actor in isolation that could be cut together later and still sound like they are speaking to one another, and the amazing cast put it all into action with a lot of talent and hard work. Team Hawking, yet again, makes it happen. :-)

It’s at the stage of being edited together now, which is Bernie’s purview, and there’s only a limited amount I can do to help. Just as the filming was my primary responsibility, the editing is his. Things are going well, and I can use a bit less intensity for a while. I’m pretty tired, since the shooting period was like having to prepare and execute a small tech week every couple of days for two months, and I  just finished my grading for the semester. But I’ve never been great at sitting back patiently and allowing other people to do their part, when I feel like I should be working on the project until it’s completed.

I am trying to use this stage of the process as a time to take a break. I’ve mostly been well, but I have been going hard lately, and I find my emotional regulation is a bit shot. Minor frustrations have hit me harder than expected, and I find I’m more sensitive than usual to discomfort. It would probably do me good to regroup a little. To that end, I’m going to start rebuilding some of the routines I had before filming took over my time. I haven’t drawn pictures or read books as part of my daily schedule in those two months, and cooking basically never happened, so I’d like to put that stuff back in.

Of course, being me, I immediately want to work on something else, if I can’t do much to help finish the shows at this stage. I’ve been wanting to do another episode of Dream Machine for a while now, so maybe I’ll noodle on that. When I had a filming kit set up in my house, I found myself daydreaming about other things I could use it for, including snappier versions of that show. But I think I need to be a little easy on myself for a bit, at least until Arisia is over.

I am a little bit ill. Not very, barely any symptoms, honestly, but definitely ill. I take pretty good care of myself and I guess I have a strong immune system, so I don't often get sick, and when I do it frequently takes the form of a dragging exhaustion with a bit of congestion or a sneeze. That's where I am right now, constantly wanting to sleep and feeling a slight nagging pressure in my face that really doesn't react well to barometric shifts. I've been this way to a very minor degree since Arisia ended.

My life is in a brief easy period for now. The one advantage of having fewer classes and tutoring instead is that I have a lot less day to day work. It makes it less of a problem that I want to sleep all the time. But I'm taking a several-week online pitching class right now that runs on west coast time. It's only two nights a week, but it starts no earlier than eight, and with the workshop component often goes into the wee hours. I'm not a night person at the best of times, much less when I'm sick, and sometimes have to get up at six to get to my North Shore class.

I think it's also made me particularly sensitive to the cold. Even when it's really not so bad out, I've been shivering and kind of struggled to do things. My house has old-fashioned steam heat that makes it a losing battle to try and get above maybe 62 degrees or so, and ridiculously expensive to try. So when I get home, I've gotten into a terrible habit of building a blanket nest around myself, and I don't want to get out of it because it's so much cozier than anywhere else. It means I sort of bed down immediately and any task that requires being up and about gets avoided. But between being so tired and so cold all the time, I've not quite had the energy to break the habit.

It's not a big deal. I'm barely sick, and I need to just be more mindful of wearing more layers. Now that I'm aware of the nesting, I can make better choices. But I need to make sure I eat healthy and get as much sleep as I can, so I can get back some of the strength to deal with these things.

Classes started for me this week, and since I still measure my life in semesters due to teaching college, it's a good time to take periodic stock.

I have five classes total, three at Lesley, two at North Shore, and one of the Lesley classes is online. They're all classes I've taught before, so I can reuse lesson plans, but I have to convert them into online materials for the last one. It will be a lot of grading, probably the most I've ever had at one time. But it'll be nice to be making a little more money, and I'm glad I can take a break from tutoring. The fact that I will not have evening classes is also something I'm grateful for, as I was really struggling with the summer teaching schedule I had.

I am almost done with the new Mrs. Hawking play, installment number six, though I am still mulling on the title. I was surprised to find that my early readers found the draft to be noticeably cleaner and closer to finished than previous versions, especially since I absolutely hated it in the drafting process. Maybe I really do have zero perspective on that in the midst of it. But I'm feeling much better about it now that I've gotten feedback and really useful, actionable suggestions for improvement. I think I should be able to finalize the draft within the next week or so.

Good thing, because now is the time to start preparations for the next round of Hawking production. We'll be debuting this new one this coming January, along with the reprise of last year's part V: Mrs. Frost. It's always a lot of work, but I like getting to build a new show, especially since the last few have interacted so interestingly with the previous show. It really lets us get a sense of the evolving story.

I've got a bunch of other writing projects to get going too, as soon as part 6 is settled. I need to edit the pilot of the Mrs. Hawking TV show in response to an executive I spoke to, which is my next big priority so I can get it to her in the next few weeks and she can look at it. I also want to work on editing my Adonis novel. Right now I'm concerned my worldbuilding efforts are coming off like a Wikipedia entry, or else are completely empty. I'm not sure how to fix that problem yet, but I know it will take some serious work.

I have started reading Bernard Cornwell's The Winter King on recommendation of my friend and writing mentor Mark. He thought it would serve as a good example for what I'm trying to do with my novel. I need to figure out how to give reader the scene-setting they need without drowning them in exposition.

My health is mostly good. I have been working out a lot and am in very strong, fairly sleek shape, though I've been eating a ton of sugar. Since the semester has started, I've made a resolution to cut back on the Coke and chai lattes, which are always my worst habit. I have been a little broken out on my chin, though, which makes me worried my beloved Curology treatment isn't working as well anymore. But it could also be due to the fact that I've been in a period of relatively high anxiety for a few weeks now. It's not at its peak anymore, but it's been a problem, leaving me pretty seriously burnt. Not a good way to start a new semester, but I actually think my schedule change will help. No evening classes and no long periods of having to sit in one place are much better suited to my lifestyle.

So overall I'm okay, except for the anxiety. I'm trying to get started on the right foot and make sure I'm not letting it make my good habits fall by the wayside. If I stay organized, I'll handle everything better.

I've made an effort recently to seriously cut back on my social media use. I can't abandon it entirely— it's the only really effective way I have to promote my creative work —but I think excessive exposure to it is adversely affecting my mental health. My depression has a tendency to make me lapse into it as an endless source of bullshit input when my brain can't seem to latch onto anything substantive. And I get no joy from scrolling dumb meaningless shit on Facebook or Twitter, yet I do it when I feel bad anyway, and end up feeling worse with the time I waste. So I'm allowing myself to post things, check notifications once a day, but no scrolling through random feed stuff. I lose a ton of time to it and end up feeling bad.

I'm also trying to change my relationship with my smart phone, and I think the social media stuff is part of the problem. I've been reading articles and talking to people about smart phone addiction, how it destroys focus, and depresses enjoyment and engagement in other things. And as bad as one author had it, I compared my usage data to his and mine was actually worse. That was depressing to see. I've been struggling with attention issues and an inability to get engaged with things I would normally expect to enjoy, and I think this addiction at least makes it worse, even if it's not totally responsible. Recently I had some of the worst inability to enjoy or get interested in something that should have made me happy in ages, and it was such a terrible feeling I've resolved to do something about it. I don't know if just cutting way, way back on social media is enough to undo any damage, but I figure it's a place to start. If nothing else, I hate how hard it is for me to read books, or anything longform anymore, because I can't rouse the interest or focus. Even an improvement on that front would be a little victory.

I would really like to get back in the habit of journaling again. It's been so long, and it used to be a really big part of my life. So let's see if I can reintegrate it into my routine, now that my schedule and daily responsibilities have shifted.

I have very proudly completed our most recent Mrs. Hawking shows with the amazing cast and crew, which marks five years and five installments of the series. I'm really happy with the performances we gave and the audiences we drew.

But now that's finished, the shape of my life will be different for a while. I lost one of the courses I was supposed to teach this semester due to low enrollment, which is a brutal reality of being an adjunct and going to take a chunk out of my finances for the semester. I'm looking for something else if I can find it, but the one upside in the meantime is I will have a lot more free time and a lot fewer responsibilities. I think I need that for a while.

I've not been at my best for the last six months or so. I've been... sleepy, low-energy, spacey, forgetful. Less on top of my life, responsibilities, and projects than I've ever been. More prone to illness and exhaustion. I still don't know what it is. Bernie thinks it might be burnout. I used to have fairly light summers as break from my otherwise intensely busy life, but for the last two years those summers were eaten up again. It might be a breakdown from plain exhaustion. Or maybe it's something more biological. I finally got a blood test after not getting it together to see a doctor in over a year, in hopes that it's something simple like an iron deficiency I can fix with diet and supplements. But I haven't gotten the results back, so we'll see.

Regardless, I need to get my life in order. The next round of rehearsals don't start until mid-March. In the meantime, I'm trying to take care of myself, sleeping enough, eating right, exercising every day, and not taking on any new projects. I'm trying to clean and organize my space, attending to domestic chores that I've been putting off for ages. My costuming and other show properties need organizing and storing, and things I don't use need to be jettisoned, KonMari-style. I'm worried about my finances with the loss of that class. But I do need time to get myself back together, in hopes of regaining some of my old energy, and what is left of my already shot focus.

As I posted, I have accomplished the most recent performances of Mrs. Hawking. The quality of the productions, plus the high attendance and overwhelming positive response, pleased me enormously. In an additional herculean effort, I've also finished my grading and submitted grades for the end of the semester. That means that I finally have a significantly lighter period ahead of me, and I mean to keep it that way. I need some downtime after all that intensity and stress.

Predictably, in this the first week since finishing, I have gotten sick. The cold Bernie brought with him when he came down for the show, and the migraine I gave myself with an excess of caffeine. Both of those I don't tend to get more than once a year, and I've noticed I tend to be ill in my off-time, rather than when I've got stuff to work on. I commented to Bernie that maybe it's the adrenaline and force of will keeping it off until I can afford to lie flat on my back and get some rest again. He countered that maybe it only happens after I've thoroughly run myself ragged. Equally possible, I suppose.

But as I said, at least I've got some downtime for now. I can use that to rest and repair-- eat right, sleep enough, and destress. I've got some projects this summer, but much less work, less tight scheduling, and less pressure to be on all the time. I think I'll feel better soon, and for now I'll just be grateful that I didn't get sick until after I finished.

I have reluctantly taken on a few more hours of tutoring this semester. I can really use the extra cash, for several reasons, not least of which because it's looking like I'll need to have some expensive dental surgery in the near future. Despite being told as recently as a couple years ago that they were fine, apparently my wisdom teeth are going to have to come out after all. I'm really unhappy about that, first because I do not relish the time spent out of commission due to how long it takes me to shake anesthetic. I might even need somebody to babysit me as I come out of it, as my history suggests it hits me very hard. The last time I had it when I was nineteen and had to be put under for a minor eye surgery, I was ridiculous and combative when I first woke up, then slept for like twelve solid hours, and then for the next day I was foggy, stupid, and not of totally sound judgment. Ugh. So at least for the beginning it's probably not the safest thing for me to be alone, but I hate to waste somebody's time with that.

And then there's the cost. It's looking to be extremely expensive, and my stupid insurance doesn't take much of a dent out of it. Overall, even before the extra hours I'm supposed to be making more this semester than last, but because of the schedule I'm getting paid on I haven't seen it yet, so this is a way of dealing with things more immediately. I'm not delighted to make my already full schedule even fuller, but I'm grateful that my work is flexible enough that I can do this at a time I need to. A lot of that is down to Bill, my awesome boss, so I'm particularly grateful for him.

I am doing my best to cope with how bad I’ve been feeling. My lifestyle is pretty clean and healthy, but stuff slips when you’re not at your strongest. So here are something I’m trying to stick to in an effort to take good care of myself while I don’t feel strong.

Exercising regularly. I’ve stuck to my six-days-a-week routine really well. I feel like I’m getting real workouts without excessively stressing my body.

Dieting but not too sternly. I’ve been mostly keeping to my smoothie diet because I feel physically best when I do, but not being quite so strict just to go a bit easier on myself.

Drinking more water. I’ve been bringing a water bottle to work, which I drink and fill back up throughout the day.

Going for walks. It gets a little extra low-key exercise in, and makes me spend more time outside in natural sunlight. I spend way too much time indoors.

Taking a multivitamin. I should have started doing that ages ago. It’s gummy and tastes like raspberry.

Letting myself get up an hour later in the morning. My summer hours start later, so there’s no pressing need to be up at six every day. I worry about when I go back to my early schedule, but I have two or three months of buffer.

Seeing friends. I’ve made an effort to not just hide in my house every free moment. Having nice social time will do me good, so I’ve been reaching out to schedule things with the people I care about.

Sitting properly. I have a tendency, whenever I’m sitting in a normal chair, to sink down lower and lower in it until I’m basically sitting on my tailbone. It’s making my lower back hurt. I’m making a conscious effort to sit on my butt, with my back straight.

Not taking on new commitments. I need to not be overloaded for once. I’m trying to stand firm and not feel guilty about it.

I’m trying to limit myself to stuff that doesn’t cost money, as for the summer I’m on a tighter budget. I honestly am afraid this isn’t going to be enough to make me feel much better. But at least I won’t feel worse, and my physical health won’t be compromised during the bad spell.